odds and ends...

The end of something is always the beginning of something else.  How profound!

I traded in my pom-poms for running shoes.    
(Shhhh!  Don't tell "XXXX"  because I test shoes for another shoe manufacturer.) 
I traded in my retirement fund for stay-at-home fun.
I traded in my late evenings for early mornings. 
I traded in my soccer sprints for long distance jaunts. 

And I don't regret any bit of my life.

Once upon a time, I ran a fabulous Millennium marathon in New Zealand.  I met some co-runners that became friends.  Acquaintances, at least.  And five years later, I ran into a fellow NZ marathon runner in New Orleans -- of all places!!!  What a coincidence!  It was the first time in my whole entire life that I had "happened" into someone in a place that neither one of us was a resident.  We were both visiting from different states. 

So, my once-in-a-lifetime coincidence sort of happened AGAIN.  The only difference was that I was in my home state.  But surely, this thing cannot sort of happen again.
Only too bad for me ... it did!!
An EX -- standing front and center -- waiting for the run's starter gun to sound into the atmosphere.  I'm positive it is HIM.  Although it has probably been 16 years.  More or Less.  16 years. 5 months. 1 week.  And 3 days.  Since we walked in opposite directions.  Neither one of us turned around to watch the other one go. 

UGH.
How can I hide?
I am really not in the mood for idle chit-chat, catching-up, grandiosity or introductions. 

I hunkered down in a mob of runners as if to tighten my laces.  Certainly I look different.  Hopefully, unrecognizable?
short hair vs. long hair.
lighter hair vs. darker hair.
glasses vs. lasik
him vs. husband-at-hand
single vs. armed-with-children

And at that moment, HE looked up ... HE directly looked at me as I stood up from fake-lacing ... HE met my gaze ... OHHHHH SHIT ... HE KNOWS IT'S ME. 
Wait, maybe not.  Perhaps, he never had lasik and he cannot 'really' see me?!
And why is HE running???
He wasn't a runner.  When did he start running?  Why would he be running in my hometown?  Why is he here - here?
AND for the record, he still isn't a runner.

Saved by the starter gun.
Mile one.  check.
Mile two.  check.
Mile three.  check.
One-tenth of a mile.  check.
Finish.
Husband.
Water station.

Bib #382 approaches from the wings.  Closer.  My name is being called.  Shouted.  Screamed.  And I am oblivious.  Cannot even hear it - really.  Must be meant for someone else.  This positively cannot be who I think it may be.  But, in reality, it is!

Ex:  "Hey, don't I know you?"
Me:  Blank look.
Ex:  "Hey, Melissa, it's me, a$$hole."
Me:  Another blank look.
Ex:  "Aren't you, Melissa?"
Me:  Turning up fake hearing aid; "I thorry, I not Anissa."
Ex:  Blank look in return.
Ex:  "Huh?"
Me:  Blank look.
Ex:  Now shouting because it will solve my deaf problem, "Seriously, aren't you Melissa?"
Me:  Furiously signing. 
Ex:  "What the h#@% is going on? I just wanted to say hi."
Me:  Turning up fake hearing aid some more.  Signing nothing relevant. 
Ex:  "Ugh, well, sorry."
Me:  Big sigh of relief.

Thank you God for giving me this peculiar talent of signing and using my "deaf" voice!  So weird!  But totally feeling appreciative!  And thank you God for giving me a supportive husband who plays along perfectly with my deaf-play as he fake-signs back to me!

Wanted: TTY/TDD large printing telephone for the hearing impaired

My sign language interpreting skills paid off again yesterday. I have this 'insane' habit of playing the role of a deaf woman. At home and away from home. Anytime really. It just takes over my whole body. We practice 'talking' deaf at home. We sign nursery rhymes and songs at home.

(If you read my blogosphere drivel, then you know I have the "no-hear-ums", I use closed-caption, I ignore, and I don't listen.)

My children and I were on our way to Target, just six miles from home, when sirens started wailing and thus, I was pulled over by a friendly policeman.

Child #1: "Were you driving the speed limit?"
Me: "Only five over... but that shouldn't warrant a pull-over!"
Child #1: "Oh NO!"
Child #2: Starts crying and announces the obvious, "Daddy's NOT going to be happy."
Child #3: Is already wailing, "Waaaaaaaa!"
Child #2: "If you get a ticket, does that count as your birthday present?"
Me: "Let me handle this... no laughing, no talking, NOTHING!"

Officer approaches car. Officer gestures to window. Officer gestures for my license and insurance papers. Officer pauses, rubs his head, and begins to fidget.

The window is down and I dramatically start fiddling with my ear. Adjusting my 'pretend' hearing aid. I gesture to my ear. I suddenly start using hand gestures and signs ... very quickly and efficiently (mainly I begin signing the "Pledge of Allegiance" because I am good at that one). I then put on my "DEAF" voice and start mumbling about nothing in particular.

Loudly I shout, "I'n horry oh-ih-her, I con ere oo."

The officer immediately comprehended the situation ... Oh, shit! This woman is DEAF. I am thrilled that he deduced my situation so quickly. He started to apologize and he definitely wanted to ESCAPE FAST! He held his hand up to interrupt my Deaf Driveling Voice.

"You were going over the neighborhood speed limit", the officer announced slightly frustrated. And then the officer added slowly with a loud shout, "I-m s-o-r-r-y m-a-a-m b-u-t y-o-u-r b-r-a-k-e-l-i-g-h-t-s a-r-e o-u-t."

I stare at him. "I'n horry..."

He uses a stop sign hand gesture. He goes to his police car and starts writing. Oh shit. I hope it isn't a ticket. Maybe he is on to me. What could happen to me 'for deception'? Maybe I will have to appear in court and continue with my charade. If my deception pisses off said officer, I suppose he could haul my ass to jail and call my 'mommy and daddy' or worse, my husband.

He comes back and hands me a hand written note stating that my brakelights are out.

I smile a big fake smile. I nod in acknowledgement. The officer looks in the back seat at the children. One is still crying. One is looking down, almost pretending to be asleep. And one is looking at the officer.

The officer speaks to child #1: "Hi there, you take care of your mother, OK?" (Like I need taking care of...)

Child #1 looks confused but she responds to the officer: "I'n horry, I con ere oo". She speaks in her perfect six year old deaf voice.