odds and ends...

The end of something is always the beginning of something else.  How profound!

I traded in my pom-poms for running shoes.    
(Shhhh!  Don't tell "XXXX"  because I test shoes for another shoe manufacturer.) 
I traded in my retirement fund for stay-at-home fun.
I traded in my late evenings for early mornings. 
I traded in my soccer sprints for long distance jaunts. 

And I don't regret any bit of my life.

Once upon a time, I ran a fabulous Millennium marathon in New Zealand.  I met some co-runners that became friends.  Acquaintances, at least.  And five years later, I ran into a fellow NZ marathon runner in New Orleans -- of all places!!!  What a coincidence!  It was the first time in my whole entire life that I had "happened" into someone in a place that neither one of us was a resident.  We were both visiting from different states. 

So, my once-in-a-lifetime coincidence sort of happened AGAIN.  The only difference was that I was in my home state.  But surely, this thing cannot sort of happen again.
Only too bad for me ... it did!!
An EX -- standing front and center -- waiting for the run's starter gun to sound into the atmosphere.  I'm positive it is HIM.  Although it has probably been 16 years.  More or Less.  16 years. 5 months. 1 week.  And 3 days.  Since we walked in opposite directions.  Neither one of us turned around to watch the other one go. 

UGH.
How can I hide?
I am really not in the mood for idle chit-chat, catching-up, grandiosity or introductions. 

I hunkered down in a mob of runners as if to tighten my laces.  Certainly I look different.  Hopefully, unrecognizable?
short hair vs. long hair.
lighter hair vs. darker hair.
glasses vs. lasik
him vs. husband-at-hand
single vs. armed-with-children

And at that moment, HE looked up ... HE directly looked at me as I stood up from fake-lacing ... HE met my gaze ... OHHHHH SHIT ... HE KNOWS IT'S ME. 
Wait, maybe not.  Perhaps, he never had lasik and he cannot 'really' see me?!
And why is HE running???
He wasn't a runner.  When did he start running?  Why would he be running in my hometown?  Why is he here - here?
AND for the record, he still isn't a runner.

Saved by the starter gun.
Mile one.  check.
Mile two.  check.
Mile three.  check.
One-tenth of a mile.  check.
Finish.
Husband.
Water station.

Bib #382 approaches from the wings.  Closer.  My name is being called.  Shouted.  Screamed.  And I am oblivious.  Cannot even hear it - really.  Must be meant for someone else.  This positively cannot be who I think it may be.  But, in reality, it is!

Ex:  "Hey, don't I know you?"
Me:  Blank look.
Ex:  "Hey, Melissa, it's me, a$$hole."
Me:  Another blank look.
Ex:  "Aren't you, Melissa?"
Me:  Turning up fake hearing aid; "I thorry, I not Anissa."
Ex:  Blank look in return.
Ex:  "Huh?"
Me:  Blank look.
Ex:  Now shouting because it will solve my deaf problem, "Seriously, aren't you Melissa?"
Me:  Furiously signing. 
Ex:  "What the h#@% is going on? I just wanted to say hi."
Me:  Turning up fake hearing aid some more.  Signing nothing relevant. 
Ex:  "Ugh, well, sorry."
Me:  Big sigh of relief.

Thank you God for giving me this peculiar talent of signing and using my "deaf" voice!  So weird!  But totally feeling appreciative!  And thank you God for giving me a supportive husband who plays along perfectly with my deaf-play as he fake-signs back to me!

temptation abounds

All summer long, McDonalds:  any size soda $1
QT gas stations:  $.49 for 32 ounces
Sonic:  Happy Hour = half price sodas
On the Run:  $.69 for 32 ounces

Damn you, marketing people!  The only summer I cannot indulge in Diet Coke and you people display Fountain Drinks for mere pennies.  Mere change.  Mere misery! 

I am free to indulge in four weeks.  And I know how this game will be played out:  the specials will all be in the past.  There will not be one special deal on Diet Coke fountain drinks.  There will not be one Diet Coke costing less than $1.79 for 32 ounces.  And I am going to need a lot of fluid ounces!  I need them NOW.   Intravenously. 

God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change or control
God, please grant me the serenity to give up Diet Coke for good, not just 280 days
God, please grant me the serenity to select another vice and may this vice be a good habit

A Big Glamour DON'T

I like to take walks through a neighboring neighborhood that has a walking trail, a playground, and a lake.  It is a beautiful area of town and a great place to bring the family.  And don't forget to pack some heat.   

However, the park area tends to attract characters at all times of day.  The kind who would definitely be caught on the GLAMOUR DON'T page.  And definitely not in "Runner's World".

Sidenote:  And who created these fashions?  I know the fashion trends are NOT arriving from the European Runways. 

Although the area surrounding this park is really quite lovely, the loveliness cannot be captured in this grey dreary photo... but trust me... it is a lovely area.  However, it is also privy to problems as are all park areas.  Drugs. Murders. Theft. 

I always carry my camera. For photo ops of my children. Not for spying on random people. But I couldn't resist this photo because...

1.  I am supposed to call the police when I spot suspicious activity according to the neighborhood association that I pay annual dues.  (Which I never do)

2.  I never know what is exactly suspicious activity.  Except with the recent neighboring murders, I am trying to be more aware. 

3.  This person stood outside of this home and made a phone call.

4.  I strolled by, minding my own business.

5.  Person went to the East side of home and hid behind a very large bush.  To relieve himself?  To converse in private?  To break-in?  To take a nap?

Conversation with the police:

Me:  "I apologize for calling, but there is a man acting suspicious outside of a home that is not his residence.  And now he has disappeared around the side of the house where there is no obvious entrance unless you count the window."

Police:  "Has he entered the home yet?"

Me:  "I don't know... I have children with me and I am not willing to wait for him." 

Police:  "Well, there isn't anything we can do at this time."

Me:  "Would you like the address so that you can drive by and keep an eye on this home, I feel that the owners would be very appreciative?"

Police:  "No, just give us a call back after he has completed his break-in and has stolen goods in his possession.  And remember, he must be exiting the house, not entering."

PS   according to the 10:00 news, this home was broken into and an undisclosed list of items were stolen.  If anyone has information regarding this incident, please call the police hotline with your anonymous tips. 

Boats and Beans and Barbeque?

or is it "Oats and Beans and Barley Grow?"

In November, my daughter's school had "Pilgrim Day" in honor of Thanksgiving.  The day was filled with fun activities; making butter, donning pilgrim or Native American costumes, weaving baskets, creating drums, eating corn and popcorn, and learning about seeds. 

Corn kernels, sunflower seeds, and bean seeds ... were observed.  I have no idea where the seeds came from -- probably someone's kitchen pantry.  The seeds were placed into a clear plastic bottle and used as a Native American maraca.

Recently, I found the plastic seed maraca stuffed into my daughter's closet.  I pulled it out so that I could dispose of it.  Two weeks ago, we took the seeds to the backyard -- to an area of mulch that nothing grows except weeds.  (AND I have tried sowing in that patch of mulch for three years now.)  We decided to spread the seeds for the visiting squirrels and birds to eat. 

Last weekend, my husband entered our home and asked, "What did you do?" 

What an open-ended question... HUH!

How shall I answer??  I have many automatic answers to fire off, but I need to know to what is he referring, so that I can save the good responses for a more serious crisis mode.

The question should have been stated as:  "What did you plant in the undesirable plot of mulch where nothing ever grows?" 

Answer:  "We decided to feed the squirrels and birds some new (or perhaps, old) seeds." 

Apparently the neighboring critters were not fond of our choice of disposed seeds because we now have 30 bean plants or more growing in an unusual space of mulch.  We have no idea what type of beans. 
My daughter is amazed at how the beans happened.  We did not plant them.  We just threw them.  Out.  Rid.  Dispose.  My daughter took her photo of beans and bean story into share with her class. 

The Moral of the Story:
Amazing things can happen when you least expect it!

2010 or bust!

It's only been ONE day... and

So far I have managed to keep all of my New Year Resolutions!

I haven't lifted a finger.

Not a creature or person to stir.

I haven't done a thing.

The days are normal and slowly returning.

Amazingly, I do not have even an ounce of remorse or GUILT.

PS  I dumped MILT

lists

I am a serious list maker.  copious lists.  post-it lists.  long lists.  short lists.  notebook lists.  calendar lists.   car lists.  everywhere lists.

But I lose them.  I start over.  I lose those too!

I have a Christmas list somewhere too.  And since I cannot shop - I need a "want" list to give to other willing shoppers.  And since I cannot buy whatever I want whenever I want - I have compiled a great list.  And the top ten change daily!

1.  jalapeno pepper corer

2.  jalapeno pepper cooker

3.  poached egg cooker

4.  wok - do they still manufacture these?

5.  carousel statue

6.  floating bar (for the pool)

7.  ergonomic pen

8.  restylane

9.  monogrammed cutting board and spreaders

10.  Wendel Chocolate

14 day update

Only 341 days to go!

Every time I get an urge to "run" to the store, I have decided to take a walk.  The walk lasts until the urge passes.  The urges are becoming less frequent.  After all it has been 14 days.  And it takes 1 to 2 weeks to retrain yourself when overcoming bad habits.

Today, only 8 urges... so far!

8:00 AM      take a walk
8:25 AM      return home
                    use the bathroom
                    grab some more water
8:29 AM      take a walk
8:44 AM      return home
                    make/eat breakfast
9:03 AM      take a walk
9:27 AM      return home
                    watch Rachel Ray
10:01 AM    take a walk
10:42 AM    return home
                    clean home
                    prepare/eat lunch
11:09 AM    take a walk
11:37 AM    return home
                    children to nap
                    listen to TV
                    clean out two closets
                    call "L"
                    clean oven
                    children still napping
                    cannot shop online - avoid computer
                    clean out junk drawers around the house
                    children finally awake
1:48 PM       take a walk
2:25 PM       return home
                    drive to school to pick up older children
                     return home - with NO stops
3:23 PM       take a walk
3:59 PM       return home
                    thinking about holiday sales
4:25 PM      take a walk
5:30 PM      return home
                   prepare/eat dinner
6:45 PM     reading/homework/sharing and BED
                   I am exhausted.

PS  tomorrow, I will wear a pedometer!
PPS  I walked for 243 minutes
PPPS  doesn't that equal like 16 miles if you're walking approximately 4MPH?
PPPPS  the good news is that I did not venture to one store today.  Or for the past two weeks other than groceries = necessities.

Saturated with the Christmas Spirit

We attended my husband's "department" Christmas Party last night.  I know, I know - the rule is to NEVER imbibe in public OR in the presence of people who can effect your future.  Definitely your husband's future. 

How was I to know that the beautiful red punch with floating cranberries and wreath-shaped iced cubes was spiked?  It's not like I own any tastebuds.  Those disappeared long ago ... during my AFRIN addiction!  AND, besides, the "hostess-bitch" said it was NOT spiked. 

Apparently I was intoxicated after two red drinks in 20 minutes because I ventured over to examine the exquisite ice sculpture.  It was flowing a beautiful pink colored watery substance.  Only too bad for me because I started guzzling the waterfall and that turned out to be MORE Vodka. 

We departed when I could not locate a safe place to hang my leg off the floor.  I was completely saturated with the Christmas Spirit.  Probably still am. 

cyberspace creates the everyday year-round Christmas letter

facebook, twitter, myspace, plaxo, linkedin, and any other social networking site ... it's like the year-round Christmas Letter!  The energizer Christmas Letter!  The "how blessed am I" that goes on and on and on! 

Everything you read is a Christmas Letter!  The brilliantly written, eloquently read, eternally optimistic, and the perfectly orchestrated life!  It's all so surfacely lovely!

Because with 4,953 "friends" reading your daily status, I guess your life isn't supposed to suck!

My Mornings; 5 - 9 am

Unfortunately, I have learned to become a morning person.  For 38 years, I was a night person.  And then I married the 'love of my life morning person' and became a mom to more 'little morning people'. 

The cats go out for their morning carousing at 4AM.  They return about 5AM, depending on the weather conditions and temperatures.  Most mornings upon their return, the cats bring home a surprise.  This surprise could be a cockroach, a gigantic moth, any other bug or insect, a bird, a squirrel, a mouse, a rat, or a snake. 

Lately, it is garden snakes.  They love to bring these snakes home.  ALIVE. 

{ALIVE, because that is part of the game we play every single day - "CATCH THE CRITTER"!}

Recently, the cat snuck back in the house before 5AM and brought a playdate.  A visitor.  However, this particular playdate did not want to play "TAG" any longer and he took off to start his own game of "HIDE AND SEEK". 

I was not quite bright eyed and bushy tailed at 4:40AM... so I missed the game of "TAG".  Apparently, I also missed the game of "HIDE AND SEEK".

Later on, I decided to do a load of laundry.  DARKS.  I picked up the load from the basket (that was sitting on the floor), threw it in the washing machine, poured in detergent and other harsh chemicals, pushed START, heard the rinse cycle, the spin cycle, and the final beeper. 

I started to throw the load into the dryer when I noticed a string had come out of a jacket or shorts or something.  I reached in to grab the string.  And since it is now 5:33AM, my coffee has kicked in and my eyeballs have been pried open. 

Good Lord, Mother of Mercy, Praise Jesus, Holy Shit ...

I washed a snake.

I wish I could say I didn't have a full load and that I have taken up snake-washing in all my free time.  When his friends see him back in the garden, all squeaky clean and shiny, his friends will be lining up for this new snake spa treatment!

PS  For all you PETA people, this was an accident.  I do not participate in snake washing.  Snake handling.  Snake anything.  And the snake survived the washing!  He is happy to be back in his garden hole.

feeling groovy

Well, today I am actually feeling skinny.  Because that is going to end really soon:  just ordered 5 to 10 more pounds of fat, lard, cellulite, and mid-drift rolls.  In the form of sofa-ass.  It arrives lumpy.  It stays frumpy. 

UVERSE.

giving it another shot.  really tired of barney.  And only twenty five days of FUN till my shopping experiment begins. 

UVERSE will keep me out of stores!
UVERSE will keep me on the couch!
UVERSE will keep its thumb on me!
UVERSE will be my babysitter, my monitor!

Thank God for UVERSE!

creativity in the kitchen

So I was feeling a little bit creative this morning at 5 am.  Who else is awake at this hour (besides those of you who reside here)?  I pulled out the ole' pot'o'crock.  It is a perfect rainy, chilly, dreary, gray day to plug in this magical appliance!

I opened up the refrigerator and I threw in a random sample of whatever was within my reach:

carrots
celery
half an onion
chicken breast
potatoes (2)
half a bag of frozen green beans
noodles
lentils
black beans (raw, not from a can)

Then onto the spice cabinet

cumin
ginger
chili powder
minced onion
garlic

Then over to the sink

water poured over the entire contents
enough water to cover everything

Timer set for 8 hours
Pot set on Low

Now... let's see how it turns out... The POT SURPRISE!  And if we don't get some sort of gastrointestinal situation or swine flu -- I will be back to let you know how this turns out.  Don't you just love surprises.  And if this surprise is less than desirable like my new-best-friend then we go to plan B.  FROOT LOOPS.

she's gone country

like twenty years ago.  to be exact.  before country was IN.  before country was cool.  [small disclaimer to the world of country: i do wish to declare that there has never been anything remotely cool about women's wranglers.] 

i went country in tokyo.  as in japan, the country.  every afternoon, armed air force radio was on - for two hours.  at first the two hours were extremely long.  then they got shorter.  armed air force radio was the ONLY english radio station aired.  its reception was finicky.  unpredictable.  highly anticipated.  yet, why country in tokyo?  why not hip hop? or oldies (have you been to harajuku)?

i began to listen at noon because i craved hearing the english language from english speaking natives.  and calling america, just to hear english, every day was getting a bit expensive.  especially to those of you to whom i called collect.  oops. 

i first realized i went country when:

*i was singing along
*i knew the lyrics
*i was humming a song (that was ultimately stuck in my head) and i hadn't forgotten the tune
*i went to karaoke and requested "achy breaky heart"
*i learned to line dance at the western saloon in tokyo  
*i had plans to move to tennessee or texas upon my return to the states and country music was the only reason for this move

i was walking down sakuragaoka street, heading to the train station and realized my head was singing john anderson's "straight tequila night".  it is my first memory of placing a country song with an event.  not a monumental event.  but definitely an event.  K13 became my favorite song.  I still play it in juke boxes wherever I may be.  K13 is not always my favorite song... like it's the beastie boys at the red cow.  or it's some rap song at flannagans.  or it's some new age tune at the cellar.

Top Ten List of Helpful Hints

1.  DO IT YOURSELF

2.  I'M SORRY, I MUST BE GOING

3.  DON'T BOTHER ME

4.  I'M BUSY

5.  I CAN'T HEAR YOU

6.  ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

7.  I'M NOT A HOUSEWIFE, I'M A STAY-AT-HOME MOM

8.  I'M CLEARLY NOT INTERESTED

9.  NO SUGAR-COATING IN THIS HOUSE

10.  I HEAR YOU, I'M JUST IGNORING YOU

This Top Ten List of Helpful Hints DO Help IF you follow them precisely and accurately.  Any one of the ten helpful hints can be used in response to any of your questions.  Please feel free to select the appropriate hint as a response to your assanine question.  Have a nice day!

Wednesdays at Walmart = FUN

ONLY because I arrived at WalMart at 7am.  Yes, in the morning!  I finally got BINGO at 8:29am! 

Thank you to the last WalMart patron! 

Unfortunately for me... I actually knew the BEARDED WOMAN. 

So, yes, confession time, I pretended that I didn't see you.  Yes, YOU.  And YES, it was ME.  AND Yes again, I purposely dropped my grocery bag and spent an inordinate amount of time picking up my private (now public) products. 

You see, you are one HAIRY FUNdamentally ILL woman growing a FUNdass FUNgus.  And YES, I was avoiding you.  Because EVERY time I meet your acquaintance, I have to hear how GREAT you are.  It's rather ANNOYING!  Deeply annoying.  I'd rather have my toenails removed.  

Do you exploit your latest surgery for awe?  for envy?  for jealousy?

Is it to feel secure by letting people think you have money?? 

Is it to gain compliments?  Like anyone is going to say, "Wow, what a waste of twenty grand!"  "Did it work?"  or "I can't tell the difference!" 

Your gasbagging SCREAMS "LOSER"!  Please STOP!

cheatersrus.com

I never ask you where your goin',

I never ask you where you've been

I've never called and checked your story,

When you stayed out with all your freinds

I've never tried to catch you lyin',

You see, because I found your cheatin' ass on cheatersrus.com

THIS is the greatest website since canned beer!  You can find a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a date, a spouse, a significant other, a partner, or a whatever here. 

All cheaters are registered  by their exes. {Their victims, their family, or their friends.} 

This is the perfect website for those of us who don't want a real relationship.  Nor a real committment.  Nor a real hassle.  Nor a real situation.  This website is also great for other "cheaters" because you know that the other "cheater" doesn't want anything REAL either!!!!

You log on to cheatersrus.   You browse the profiles like on match.com.  You select a mate.  You contact that mate.  Although that mate has NO IDEA how you found him or her.   (PS So you better have an excellent story and reason to be calling/emailing/texting.) And VOILA, you have yourself a bonafide CHEATER!  How great is that! 

SURPRISE, EX Boyfriend #3 ... I found your bald ass on cheatersrus.com

PS This is a fictional website and short story

From Mommy's Mouth?

SUPER PAPER STORE A has opened their doors to the PUBLIC!  ME!  ME!  ME!  The paper store is moving office/work space and I get to SHOP their MOVING SALE!  ME! 

I don't have to drive 20 minutes to buy invitations/thank you cards/labels/stationary/cards!  I don't have to dread going into the RETAIL store and buying ONE INVITATION at $2.20!   I have the opportunity to buy the whole damn box for $3.00. 

THANK YOU SUPER PAPER STORE A!

So, on my THIRD visit in 30 hours... I took the oldest daughter... the one with the most opinions.  The most stubborn one.  I wanted to make sure she selected her OWN invitations.  I didn't want to hear any complaining regarding her upcoming festivities. 

Oldest opinionated daughter selected a few more boxes of invitations... ones that I had overlooked.  Like the pizza/coke invitation in case we have a "Chuck E. Cheese" party for number three.  Or the "Maracas" for the Cinco de Mayo party we could have.  Or the "Giraffes" for the Zoo party we could have. 

As we loaded yet another bag of invitations into the car, I hesitated and thought about going back inside... I announced to stubborn daughter, "Do you think we should get the Camo/Dog Tag invitations - just in case"? 

Daughter studies my face and quietly says, "dammit!  I knew we should have bought those, too!"

I looked at her.  Obviously with SURPRISE!  My eyes dilated.  My mouth corners turned up (I couldn't help it).  And she announces...

"MOM, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD STOP TEACHING ME THOSE WORDS... I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO USE THEM.  AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO USE THEM IF YOU DIDN'T TEACH ME THEM!!!" 

no.school.no.mail.no.money.

Happy Columbus Day!

Thank God somebody discovered America so we could have another HOLIDAY! 

Oh, what to do today:

1.  visit a pumpkin patch?

2.  stay home?

3.  go to the park?

4.  stay home and pull weeds?

5.  schedule a play date?

6.  stay home and sleep?

7.  celebrate Columbus Day?

8.  stay home and hide?

9.  eat corn, tortillas, and popcorn?

10.  stay home and clean?

Check out:  www.enchantedlearning.com/crafts/columbus for FUN stay-at-home activities!

fundraisers?

we received a fundraiser in the mail from school A. 

tacky wrapping paper.
tacky greeting cards.

Dear 'school A' parents:

Please find enclosed are the Fall Fundraiser items. 
Each family is required to sell $50 worth of fundraising items. 
The enclosed four rolls of wrapping paper and five greeting cards are equal to the $50 minimum. 
If you sell more fundraising items, please fill out the enclosed order form. 
The items will be delivered in four weeks. 
All monies are due next week.  Thank you for your support. 
Happy Selling!
from The Crappy Wrappy Place

What am I going to do with this shit?  I totally cannot sell it.  It's ugly.  It's embarrassing.  Plus all our friends have children at the same school and why would they want to buy more ugly shit?  Again, what am I going to do with this ugly crap?  Seriously, can I wrap gifts in this? 

I would gladly donate $50.  With no strings attached.  With no ugly shit in exchange.  With no cost to the school.  What is the mark-up on this stuff, anyway??  UGH!!! 

HINT:  "SCHOOL A", JUST ASK FOR 50 BUCKS!  WE'D ALL GIVE IT! 

why my husband doesn't take me out...

Last night, we went out to our favorite "guacamole" restaurant (Translation:  Mexican Food Restaurant).  We were seated in a quiet, dark corner (must be the multiple under 2 baby entourage) - far, far away from other patrons.  In fact, it may have been a special room for "families" ONLY.   Or for our family, ONLY.

The waiter proceeded to offer the specials.  Offer chips.  Salsa.  Iced water. 

The waiter returns to take our order. 

Fajitas for one daddy.  Small fajitas for one child.  Enchiladas for another child.  Rice and beans for the last child.  My turn:

"I'd like the personal-size, thin crust, vegetarian pizza -- cut into six slices instead of four.  Oh, with extra olives and cheese." 

Daddy buries his head in the remaining large menu.

Waiter stammers.  Waiter hesitates.  Waiter's speechless. 

I never got my pizza!