It's alright, It's okay
... to print all of your digital pictures, even the mediocre ones, and save them
... to save all of your children's artwork
... to be delusional on occasion and insist that Pre-Filled Easter Eggs was really your IDEA
... to book a one-way, one-person ticket to Malta without a hint of guilt
... to harbor ill-thoughts toward an ex and his man-boobies
... to schedule cosmetic surgery and enhancements
... to despise the "mother" who only has one topic of conversation; "herself"
... to have a crush on Hugh Grant
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wacky Wednesdays
And your taxes...
And your medical...
And you're not my child, spouse, relative, or friend
Monday, August 23, 2010
It's alright, It's okay Mondays
It's alright, It's okay
... to ignore the "check engine" light
... to read an owner's manual six years later
... to peruse a cookbook and decide on "pizza" anyway
... to leave dog "whoopdies" for your husband to clean up and claim "it just happened"
... to dislike hotdogs
... to skip ironing for a week
... to pretend to be busy
... to learn to take a little rest with your eyes open
... to ignore the "check engine" light
... to read an owner's manual six years later
... to peruse a cookbook and decide on "pizza" anyway
... to leave dog "whoopdies" for your husband to clean up and claim "it just happened"
... to dislike hotdogs
... to skip ironing for a week
... to pretend to be busy
... to learn to take a little rest with your eyes open
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
It's alright, It's okay Mondays
It's alright, It's okay
... to suggest a hotel to your husband's mother or any of HIS other family members
... to laugh at your cousin because his insecurites are subliminally written all over his FB posts and your immediate and only thoughts include the word "LOSER"
... to call your best friend and harmlessly gossip
... to listen to your sister complain about her third (or maybe it's her fourth) husband
... to wonder if "Whole Grain White" bread is somewhat healthy
... to sit by the pool without SPF 50 for just an hour
... to not know how to play video games (nor care to learn)
... to swim "turtle neck" style (keeping your head and face above water)
... to suggest a hotel to your husband's mother or any of HIS other family members
... to laugh at your cousin because his insecurites are subliminally written all over his FB posts and your immediate and only thoughts include the word "LOSER"
... to call your best friend and harmlessly gossip
... to listen to your sister complain about her third (or maybe it's her fourth) husband
... to wonder if "Whole Grain White" bread is somewhat healthy
... to sit by the pool without SPF 50 for just an hour
... to not know how to play video games (nor care to learn)
... to swim "turtle neck" style (keeping your head and face above water)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
It's alright, It's okay Mondays
It's alright, It's okay
... to eat leftover cake for breakfast
... to write a real letter instead of an email or text
... to read a worthless novel and be unable to recall the title, plot, or author
... to wear the same outfit five days in a row (in your hometown)
... to be conservative
... to be a "real" feminist while donning makeup, a dress and a brain!
... to use coupons
... to watch "Sesame Street"
... to eat leftover cake for breakfast
... to write a real letter instead of an email or text
... to read a worthless novel and be unable to recall the title, plot, or author
... to wear the same outfit five days in a row (in your hometown)
... to be conservative
... to be a "real" feminist while donning makeup, a dress and a brain!
... to use coupons
... to watch "Sesame Street"
Friday, August 6, 2010
8 months of no shopping update
One month I consider my lack of spending to be great. In my own opinion. The opinion that really matters.
The next month, maybe not so great. Still in my own opinion. I can be honest and subjective. Or is it objective. Well, whatever...
Actually, at this time, I am a bit irritated with the credit card company. They have taken a liking to sending our bill, so that the bill actually arrives on a SATURDAY! EVERY MONTH. How is that possible with the erratic postal system? Perhaps, Saturday Delivery will soon be just a memory. Has that 'bill' passed yet??
Thank you, Bank A and your damn credit card. You ruin ONE out of FOUR weekends EVERY month. Weekends, as we all know, are precious commodities. And ONE of them is a total and complete BUST.
So, I have taken to retrieving the mail. And, subsequently yet sheepishly, hiding the mail. Or forgetting about the mail. Or, is it considered temporarily misplacing the mail? Well, regardless to what happens to the mail on that particular Saturday -- it doesn't reappear until Tuesday.
Why not on Monday? Mondays suck anyway, why make it worse? By Tuesdays, we are so preoccupied with the week's activities that the bill is overshadowed by the busy-ness of our life. Thank God for Tuesdays.
I think I will call the credit card company AGAIN... and beg them to close the statement on a different day. Or pick a different mailing date. Twelve "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad" weekends per year ... that's only 40 available for FUN!! And I desperately NEED all 52 weekends.
The next month, maybe not so great. Still in my own opinion. I can be honest and subjective. Or is it objective. Well, whatever...
Actually, at this time, I am a bit irritated with the credit card company. They have taken a liking to sending our bill, so that the bill actually arrives on a SATURDAY! EVERY MONTH. How is that possible with the erratic postal system? Perhaps, Saturday Delivery will soon be just a memory. Has that 'bill' passed yet??
Thank you, Bank A and your damn credit card. You ruin ONE out of FOUR weekends EVERY month. Weekends, as we all know, are precious commodities. And ONE of them is a total and complete BUST.
So, I have taken to retrieving the mail. And, subsequently yet sheepishly, hiding the mail. Or forgetting about the mail. Or, is it considered temporarily misplacing the mail? Well, regardless to what happens to the mail on that particular Saturday -- it doesn't reappear until Tuesday.
Why not on Monday? Mondays suck anyway, why make it worse? By Tuesdays, we are so preoccupied with the week's activities that the bill is overshadowed by the busy-ness of our life. Thank God for Tuesdays.
I think I will call the credit card company AGAIN... and beg them to close the statement on a different day. Or pick a different mailing date. Twelve "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad" weekends per year ... that's only 40 available for FUN!! And I desperately NEED all 52 weekends.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Wacky Wednesdays
What did you do before cellphones?
Why is that 4 out of 5 cars that we pass, the driver is yacking??
The new earring, a cellphone?
Monday, August 2, 2010
It's alright, It's okay Mondays
It's alright, It's okay
... to appear in public with your child's vomit wiped on your yoga pants
... to wear a black shirt with obvious wet spit-up
... to like tofu
... to eat real burgers
... to visit the beach and complain about sand in your "drawers"
... to name a lower bodily function; a "fluffy"
... to refer to slow recall items as "whatchamacallits"
... to eat pancakes for dinner
... to appear in public with your child's vomit wiped on your yoga pants
... to wear a black shirt with obvious wet spit-up
... to like tofu
... to eat real burgers
... to visit the beach and complain about sand in your "drawers"
... to name a lower bodily function; a "fluffy"
... to refer to slow recall items as "whatchamacallits"
... to eat pancakes for dinner
Saturday, July 31, 2010
two weeks; more or less
My estimated due date is fast approaching.
And I am not ready.
Let me announce this with greater clarity: I am NOT ready.
Although the alternative is NOT great -- keeping baby #3 inside until I am DEFINITELY ready ... because she would come out like some smelly, hormonal, hairy teenager at the age of 14. And then, I may get stretch marks. Plus, that's like fourteen more summers in Texas!
So I ask, what fun would that be?
Therefore, I must suck it up and get ready.
As of my last appointment, I am beginning to dilate.
And that is ONLY because the doctor probably initiated that when he reached up to "feel" the baby's head. shit. that hurt. Why didn't the doctor just break my "water" and get this baby moving on its way out? Because ONE is never really ready to go through the rigors of labor and delivery, right? So just have a baby when you are NOT ready. It is much easier than waiting around for the due date.
Baby #1 -- my husband was in Los Angeles. Yes, that's right. California. With a two hour time difference. A 4+ hour flight to DFW. And I am sure he drank beer (or something a bit stronger) the entire flight. It isn't confirmed. But I have my hunches.
Baby #2 -- after settling me into my room, my husband went home to pick up a few things (like beer, wine and champagne), check on the existing children and grandparents, do some house stuff, clean the pool, fiddle in the garage... meanwhile, baby #2 decided to go from 2 cm to 10 cm in 45 minutes. And, too bad for me -- my cell phone was dead and I was too sick to think about calling him anyway.
Baby #3 -- yet to come.
Although, husband did leave me a note yesterday morning before he left for work (an extra hour early):
Dear Easy-Going, Loving Wife:
I have three business trips back-to-back this month. When do you think this baby is arriving? Is it possible for you to hold her in until one of the Saturdays? I really should be in on these negotiation/training trips. Just let me know your thoughts!
Anybody want to come sit with me in room 201? I will provide food and beverages. Gratis.
And I am not ready.
Let me announce this with greater clarity: I am NOT ready.
Although the alternative is NOT great -- keeping baby #3 inside until I am DEFINITELY ready ... because she would come out like some smelly, hormonal, hairy teenager at the age of 14. And then, I may get stretch marks. Plus, that's like fourteen more summers in Texas!
So I ask, what fun would that be?
Therefore, I must suck it up and get ready.
As of my last appointment, I am beginning to dilate.
And that is ONLY because the doctor probably initiated that when he reached up to "feel" the baby's head. shit. that hurt. Why didn't the doctor just break my "water" and get this baby moving on its way out? Because ONE is never really ready to go through the rigors of labor and delivery, right? So just have a baby when you are NOT ready. It is much easier than waiting around for the due date.
Baby #1 -- my husband was in Los Angeles. Yes, that's right. California. With a two hour time difference. A 4+ hour flight to DFW. And I am sure he drank beer (or something a bit stronger) the entire flight. It isn't confirmed. But I have my hunches.
Baby #2 -- after settling me into my room, my husband went home to pick up a few things (like beer, wine and champagne), check on the existing children and grandparents, do some house stuff, clean the pool, fiddle in the garage... meanwhile, baby #2 decided to go from 2 cm to 10 cm in 45 minutes. And, too bad for me -- my cell phone was dead and I was too sick to think about calling him anyway.
Baby #3 -- yet to come.
Although, husband did leave me a note yesterday morning before he left for work (an extra hour early):
Dear Easy-Going, Loving Wife:
I have three business trips back-to-back this month. When do you think this baby is arriving? Is it possible for you to hold her in until one of the Saturdays? I really should be in on these negotiation/training trips. Just let me know your thoughts!
Anybody want to come sit with me in room 201? I will provide food and beverages. Gratis.
Friday, July 30, 2010
cynicism: the new alligator
This new alligator is sewn on the left breast of (almost) every shirt I own and wear. The alligator is deceiving because it appears to be the real Lacoste. But this special "cynicgator" has its big tongue sticking out and it's pointing at everyone I pass. Especially if I happen to point my left breast in your direction.
Sarcasm goes hand-in-hand.
So, I ran into ... "Joe the Happy Guy and his equally dysfunctional fungus-like Wife". We, meaning the entire small big town in which we reside, all know they are full of shit -- quite up their eyebrows. They put on airs of happiness for their own benefit, I suppose. Because ... really who talks like that??? Nobody I really know. Only the SURFACE types!?
"HI. How are you? (They approached and inquired, not really meaning the question, but using it out of fake courtesy)"
"Ahhh... (before I am cut-off/interrupted)"
"We ARE GREAT. I mean REALLY FANTASTIC. LIFE is so GOOD. I can't BELIEVE how GREAT life is and how GREAT we are doing. Everything is so GREAT."
"Oh, that's... (before I am chopped off again and wondering who asked how they were doing?)"
"We have ONE child and she is BRILLIANT, FANTASTIC, GREAT, EXCEPTIONAL. YOU just don't know how GREAT it is to be a PARENT or to have a CHILD."
"No, I .... (cut-off again and still wondering who asked?)"
"I mean, isn't it GREAT how life turns out so PERFECTLY? We are SO SO HAPPY !!!"
"Well, nice to see you both again, I do hope you sell your FORECLOSED home, FIND a JOB, and child A gets accepted into the MAINSTREAM program at school!"
(because this IS small town knowledge and I walk off with a GIANT smile :+)
Because who really talks this way?
And IF they do really talk this way, is it true?
Do you believe them?
Who are they posturing for?
Who are they kidding?
Six positive adjectives in one fast breath, are they serious?
I have a tiny bit of guilt for not believing them, but do you believe them?
Haven't they learned that it is better to say nothing at all than to drivel in 'imposter' greatness?
Do you have a headache, too???
One compound word: GASBAG!
Please get me a Tylenol. Or three. Or an imposter daquiri.
Sarcasm goes hand-in-hand.
So, I ran into ... "Joe the Happy Guy and his equally dysfunctional fungus-like Wife". We, meaning the entire small big town in which we reside, all know they are full of shit -- quite up their eyebrows. They put on airs of happiness for their own benefit, I suppose. Because ... really who talks like that??? Nobody I really know. Only the SURFACE types!?
"HI. How are you? (They approached and inquired, not really meaning the question, but using it out of fake courtesy)"
"Ahhh... (before I am cut-off/interrupted)"
"We ARE GREAT. I mean REALLY FANTASTIC. LIFE is so GOOD. I can't BELIEVE how GREAT life is and how GREAT we are doing. Everything is so GREAT."
"Oh, that's... (before I am chopped off again and wondering who asked how they were doing?)"
"We have ONE child and she is BRILLIANT, FANTASTIC, GREAT, EXCEPTIONAL. YOU just don't know how GREAT it is to be a PARENT or to have a CHILD."
"No, I .... (cut-off again and still wondering who asked?)"
"I mean, isn't it GREAT how life turns out so PERFECTLY? We are SO SO HAPPY !!!"
"Well, nice to see you both again, I do hope you sell your FORECLOSED home, FIND a JOB, and child A gets accepted into the MAINSTREAM program at school!"
(because this IS small town knowledge and I walk off with a GIANT smile :+)
Because who really talks this way?
And IF they do really talk this way, is it true?
Do you believe them?
Who are they posturing for?
Who are they kidding?
Six positive adjectives in one fast breath, are they serious?
I have a tiny bit of guilt for not believing them, but do you believe them?
Haven't they learned that it is better to say nothing at all than to drivel in 'imposter' greatness?
Do you have a headache, too???
One compound word: GASBAG!
Please get me a Tylenol. Or three. Or an imposter daquiri.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
