based on my erudition...

... there are some things my daughter has learned in first grade this year.  

1.   the definition of b***h
2.   the meaning of "break-up"
3.   the idea of "bullies"
4.   the concept of money
5.   the reality of schooling
6.   the impracticality of cloning
7.   the disliking of uniforms
8.   the disregard for authority
9.   the likelihood of socialness
10. the probability of a good school lunch

However, it is number four that disturbs me.  The word "allowance" has seeped into daily after-school conversations.  It is a word we have avoided for some time.  We like the concept of "helping" without being paid.  Afterall, IT IS WHAT I DO!! 

So, ALLOWANCE, what's that?

Daughter #1 took it upon herself to seek out "something" that needed to be done without asking, begging, or pleading from me.  It did NOT entail the method of cleaning.  She chose:  setting the table with her choice of dishes and flatware. 

And, she even went the extra mile by adding a CENTERPIECE.  I love it!

Her allowance:  the GUMBALLS!

a proper sentence?

my oldest daughter is quiet by nature.  she is thoughtful.  she is introverted.  she is serene.  she is shy.  until recently.  it is the second semester of school - which also means - oldest daughter begins to come alive.  she becomes more animated.  she is more comfortable.  she is very interested in sharing her life with her class.

teacher:  "we are going to discuss proper and improper sentences today."
teacher:  "can anyone think of an improper sentence?  for example, 'cat running', that is improper."

oldest daughter:  "yes, ma'am, i know one.  'i is going shopping'." 

teacher:  "excuse me!"

oldest daughter:  "i said i is going shopping.  i is going home.  i is doing my homework.  i is happy."  "i is, i is, i is, i is...."

Spell check does not work in real life

On Monday morning, the teacher greets the classroom of twenty-four eager, happy students.

"I have the new first grade spelling list for this week. Ten fabulous new words and two bonus words. Let's introduce the new words!"

1. have - I have a new dog.

"Who would like to volunteer to spell the word 'have'?" asks the teacher.

"h-a-v-e", Brian confidently spells.

The teacher writes the word on the board and praises Brian.

2. funny - I laughed at his funny joke.

"Any volunteers?" questions the teacher. "Go ahead, Jake."

"f-u-c-k", Jake innocently spells.

The teacher ceases writing midstream f-u-.... and hides her face (creative, new, and very funny).

"Well, not exactly. Actually, there are five letters in this word. But ... Jake can I see you a moment. Class, please continue working on your reading handout."

Thank God the other twenty-three first-graders have not been weaned on the F-Word.

Mommy Mafia

A group of "first grade" moms congregate on the same patch of grassy lawn as school is dismissed. The mafia of moms varies daily. The rich moms. The fit moms. The tan moms. The dowdy moms. The intellectually-challenged moms. The mis-fit moms. The mis-understood moms.

Today the conversation is dull, braggart, and nauseating. We all "pay" the same tuition. We all "wear" the same uniforms. We all "have" the same teacher. We are all "getting" the same education. WE ARE ALL THE SAME. Maybe. Maybe NOT. NOT. Definitely NOT.

Mom A announces, "My Sara is reading on a second grade level already". (Woo Hoo!) Mom B counteroffers, "Dillyn is so smart. She has been accepted in the Children's University for summer!" (Another Woo Hoo to YOU!) Mom C agonizes with her statement, "Lizbeth is reading on the seventh grade level according to the latest testing at ESU" (What is ESU?). Mom D admits, "Where is ESU? My Briella has straight A's". (An amazing feat considering the students do not receive letter grades until third grade!)

I listen without volunteering as the one-ups-man continues in full force. Mom E sighs, "I wish there were another program for the extremely gifted"! Mom F declares, "Yes, I would pay more IF there were only a 'special' extra program for our children"!

I finally interject with my off-kilter humor, "The children are SUPPOSED to be READING???"

Six moms stop and stare at me in shock. They are aghast. It is apparent on their faces. They are oblivious to my sarcasm. Inside I am giggling like a six year old. I am totally pleased with my banter.

Later on, I realize that the gossip has begun. I am its focal point. I am the reason their brilliant children are being "held back" in the classroom. I am the reason their children are just mediocre. BUT, I GET THE LAST LAUGH!!