Merry Christmas

wacky wednesday waffs

a joke, if you don't like tasteless jokes ... do not read

So I have a JOKE.  It is the ONLY joke I know.  It is the ONLY joke I can remember. EVER.  My funny, weaned on 4-letter words and liquor, Italian friend from Brooklyn told me this joke.  About 25 years ago.  And I have been told many jokes since then but I do NOT remember ANY of them.  Not even the "knock-knock" ones on the restaurant cup that my children read daily. 

DIRTY JOHNNY

Dirty Johnny is always late for school.  Daily.  On this particular day the teacher told Dirty Johnny that if he received ONE more tardy then he would have DETENTION for the rest of the year. 

That night Dirty Johnny set his alarm, went to bed early, and woke up really early to his alarm.

He got dressed.  Ate Breakfast.  Brushed his teeth.  And got on his bike to ride to school.

He pedaled really fast.  He was going along just fine.  He checked his watch.  Plenty of time.  He turned the corner.  Still pedaling real fast.  He checked his watch again.  Plenty of time. 

All of a sudden, he saw a dog get hit by a bus. 

Dirty Johnny stopped to help the dog.  He checked his watch again.  Uh-Oh.

Dirty Johnny got back on his bike.  Pedaled really fast all the way to school.  Ran inside.  Ran to his desk.

"Dirty Johnny", shouted his teacher.  "YOU are LATE!  That's it!  Detention for the rest of the year!"

"But, teacher, teacher, you don't understand," replied Dirty Johnny.  "I got up really early.  I got ready.  I had plenty of time.  I got on my bike.  I pedaled really fast.  I checked my watch.  I still had plenty of time.  I turned the corner.  And BAM, a dog got hit in the A$$ by a Bus!"

"Dirty Johnny, it's RECTUM", corrected his teacher.

"Wrecked him?  Wrecked him???"  "God damn bus nearly f*ckin' killed him!"

why my husband doesn't take me out...

Last night, we went out to our favorite "guacamole" restaurant (Translation:  Mexican Food Restaurant).  We were seated in a quiet, dark corner (must be the multiple under 2 baby entourage) - far, far away from other patrons.  In fact, it may have been a special room for "families" ONLY.   Or for our family, ONLY.

The waiter proceeded to offer the specials.  Offer chips.  Salsa.  Iced water. 

The waiter returns to take our order. 

Fajitas for one daddy.  Small fajitas for one child.  Enchiladas for another child.  Rice and beans for the last child.  My turn:

"I'd like the personal-size, thin crust, vegetarian pizza -- cut into six slices instead of four.  Oh, with extra olives and cheese." 

Daddy buries his head in the remaining large menu.

Waiter stammers.  Waiter hesitates.  Waiter's speechless. 

I never got my pizza!

for the next fifty years....

Said husband resides with us... in between work, travel, and more work... so he is not home a whole lot.  But we have a very BIG dog and he bites.  and growls.  and chews.  and spits. 

Fortunate said husband recently had a day off ... no work, no travel, no projects ... in the downpour.  So he spent the day inside surrounded by extra X chromosomes, moods, tempers, and hormones. 

Daughters 1 and 2 and mommy start speaking in their deaf voices.  Husband is a bit bewildered and asked, "What did you say?" 

Daughter 1 perfectly responded, "huts her hunch?"   Daughter 2 laughed and added, "huh [gutteral sound]? hime her hunch." 

Perplexed husband is not pleased NOR humored.

Mommy guffawed and stated, "hood her hunch!"

Husband left the room.  He returned to announce, "AND I can easily go the next fifty years without ever hearing those voices again!"

So, mommy and daughters 1, 2 and 3 started conversing in Japanese.  

Back to my project ...

I have been shopping NON-stop.  All day in stores.  All night on-line. 

I scored ANAVINI dresses at Boutique S.  Can you believe it?  ANAVINI easily cost $80 per dress.  [Husband if you are reading this, that is probably a typo, I know I said they only cost about $8 - but that was for one sleeve.] 

ANAVINI on sale.  ANAVINI at 75% off.  I bought a lot of ANAVINI today!  Baby P needs some pretty dresses to detract from her forehead gash and scar. 

SQUEAKY SHOES... LOVE THEM!  I bought pink size 6, brown size 7, black size 8 and white size 9.  When your toddler walks, the shoes SQUEAK!  LOVE THEM!  And Baby P will probably hate them by the time she gets to size 8.

LILY PULITZER for everyone in the house [minus hubby - pink and green are so NOT his colors].  Who can resist the preppy colors and fabrics of LILY?  It's like being on vacation all the time!  So many nights I just dream of the ocean... and then I get attacked by a shark [but it's really just the cat biting and pulling the skin between my knuckles!].

Don't forget the catalogs that arrive at 12:30 everyday.  Aaahhhh.  Should I order completely unnecessary winter gear from Lands End or LLBean?  Is there Free Shipping at Chasing Fireflies to offset their printed prices?  Need any home decor from Horchow?  Any birthday crap from Birthday Express?  Is that a 10% off at Posh Tots? 

I ordered printed Christmas Wrapping Paper.  Its implied monogram really says, "this cost money, rip open with care from the T family".  And monogrammed ribbon.  And personalized labels.  And personalized envelope seals.  And personalized toilet paper (not really, but if they had it - I may have considered it). 

Ahhh, euphoric shopping.  I have 77 days left until the start of my NO SHOPPING for ONE YEAR project begins!  That is 11 weeks.  NO, I am not going to continue to go crazy with more shopping.  I am just trying to finish my to-do list before I AM DENIED (by my own will) the process of shopping.  My husband is anxiously awaiting December 1st.

Home Maid III

So, there I sat at nine months and 5 days pg. And I had 3 weeks and 2 days to go. For those of you who are clueless or easily misled, pregnancy is 280 days which equals 10 months which means the completion of the ninth month. No, we pregger women don't get to reach the ninth month and rejoice... we have to complete the entire 4 weeks within that month. UGH!

I was still desperately seeking cleaning help. I started perusing classifieds in four different newspapers. I started surfing local classifieds. I called and begged friends. Apparently, nobody likes to SHARE their house cleaner. OR maybe you REALLY don't have one! HA! I even hauled my big belly to the corner and held a big sign that said, "Houseful ... of crap, Please help me clean it!" Nobody called. Well, actually, one person called but since he was already drunk I didn't think that would help my house situation.

Husband arrived at home to more dirt and mess. Surely, he isn't BLIND. Or oblivious. Or POLITE.

I handed him a bucket, sponge, cleaner, toilet brush, more cleaner, rags and a Coors Light.

He incredulously asked, "What's this for?"

"Um, I-dunno, maybe you can wash dishes? Or scrub the pool tiles? Or take one of the bathrooms?

Husband drank Coors. Husband misplaced cleaning supplies. Husband has disappeared.

definition of pining...

pining (v) 1. to suffer intense longing or yearning. 2. to wither or waste away from longing or grief. 3. intense grieving, mourning, or longing.

Boyfriend Z, Boyfriend's parents, and I were out to dinner. I was new to the workforce. I was new to the area. I was new to this particular family. I was new to the feeling of hatred!

Father-in-law wannabe announced, "I see you are PINING for my son."

Stunned into silence me could only utter, "HUH?"

Father-in-law wannabe continued, "You see, we like you better than Ex-A, Ex-B, and Ex-C. So please don't screw this up!"

Flabbergasted me wanted to PUKE, "What?"

"Honey," said Mother-in-law wannabe, "Can't you see, SHE doesn't know what PINING means? Oh, and son, she is of good size - she will never get FAT by eating greens - and she can always get silicone implants. (But make sure she gets them before you two get engaged so we don't have to pay for this one, you know I am still paying off the last girl's.)"

Silent me shouted in my head, "You all are Friggin' LUNATICS!"

Boyfriend Z just sat there like the A$$ hole that he was (and is, I'm sure). He loved the ridicule. He loved the one-sided banter. He flunked out of college and received pleasure by making others feel DUMB.

I remained in my seat throughout that long meal and never commented.

So here's my chance:

"HEY Z FAMILY ... I responded with WHAT because, frankly, I was speechless! I know what the freakin' PINING word MEANS. It just happens that I can't believe I sat there and took your ABUSE. Yes, ABUSE. And by the way, I am the one laughing now!

Father-in-law wannabe: You're a bitter old man who hasn't gotten "ANY" in years! Perhaps you actually meant to use the word PINNING. As in, my son is trying to pin a wife so people don't assume he is gay!

Mother-in-law wannabe: You're ONLY married because FATTY has MONEY!!

And as for you, Boyfriend Z: YOU ARE FAT AND BALD AND STILL A LOSER LIVING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY! AND STOP GOOGLING ME!!!! I can still finish a 100 mile bike race faster than you. I can run faster than you. I am still smarter than you. I still have more degrees than you. I still have smaller boobies than you. You are still competing with me, but go ahead because you will NEVER win! I don't need to google you (I have an acquaintance who occasionally fills me in on your one-sided competition with me). And I am still laughing!"

Dating Disclaimer

1. I NEVER said I was NICE [all the time].

2. I NEVER said I liked your family [ever].

3. I NEVER said I was RIGHT [it's usually implied].

4. I NEVER said I emulated 'June Cleaver' [where did that come from?] .

5. I NEVER said I didn't drink [before five o'clock].

It's all about the 'things that are never said'; don't assume, ASK!

Commiserate or Celebrate?

It's the first day of school and my conscience said to me, "don't call the principal!"

It's the first day of school and my mind reminded me, "don't start complaining!"

It's the first day of school and my brain quoted me, "they're not all dumbasses!"

It's the first day of school and my cerebrum called to me, "you're paying a lot of tuition!"

It's the first day of school and my noodle bamboozled me, "three martinis waiting!"

It's the first day of school and my cranium challenged me, "children are adaptable!"

It's the first day of school and my heart cried to me, "they are growing up!"

Happy First Day of School to All and to All a Grand School Year 2009-2010!

8 day countdown...

GAME: FIND THE HIDDEN PURPLE SPRINKLE!

... To the first day of school. Our summer is almost officially over. Finished. Ceased. Ended. Never mind that the thermometer still registers over 100 degrees F. And the students will be covered in a slick film of sweat by the time they walk 50 yards to the front school door. Summer 2009 is complete.

Luckily, my children are just beginning to feel the word "boredom". We are creating new games and activities. Hopefully, these creative strategies will occupy most of their afternoon. Or at least 10 minutes of it. Long enough for me to go stand in my closet and guzzle a silver bullet. AND For all you mommies; this one lasted long enough for me to drink 3/4 bottle of red wine!

How is it that...

I continue to cross numbers off of my "to-do" list, but the list keeps growing?

1. locks (have you seen my ever changing neighborhood?)

2. V - new bike (the girl keeps growing!)

3. P - potty training (IF she can sit on the potty INSTEAD of IN the potty!)

4. weatherstripping (boring, but necessary)

5. buy more diet coke (running out of 8 oz., 12 oz., 16 oz., 20 oz., and 2 liter bottles; perhaps it comes on tap?! OR in an IV?!)

6. replace kitchen tile (need something darker to hide more DIRT!)

7. replace garbage disposal (so that spewy shit stops flying back up at me!)

8. clean windows (so I can see who is looking in at me!)

9. buy a 9mm (to aim at those looking... see #8. because in Texas, if they are facing you, it is OK. just make sure they don't turn around 'cause you'll end up in the slammer!)

10. start intoxicating at 6 am INSTEAD of 7! (why not?!)

A Skewed Survey

I recently took a survey regarding shopping. I honestly answered the questions and I was feeling very proud of myself. Until... husband walked in and peered at my answers and results.

Husband states, "YOU do NOT shop LESS than other people! You 'POSSIBLY' shop less than a personal shopper! You spend as much as a professional shopper! ARGGHHHH"

I could discover a way to get paid to shop!?

I thoughtfully consider his rage, "Is it the bazillion dollar playroom? Is it the $72 T-shirt? Is it the $851 receipt from Gymboree (I bought the entire new collection and received 17 Gymbucks)? Is it the $590 receipt from Justice (I did receive 11 Justice Bucks Cards)? Is it the $334 receipt from the Uniform Store (the kids MUST wear uniforms to school)? Is it the $442 receipt from Boutique A (the one with the most 'adorable = expensive' smocked dresses)?"

I should have passed on the $72 T-shirt (right). I guess that was a difficult purchase to justify. However, a much better justification than the $300+ Gorilla Tee (left)!!

XM55

I don't watch tv. I only appear on the computer once daily. I don't listen to the radio. It is a very quiet house ... except for the children. I often get the question, "What DO you do? A couple of answers come to mind, but the most innocent ...

I drink.

I pretend I am on a secluded beach with lots of sunshine, sand, and beach music. I make fruit smoothies for breakfast at seven every morning... the healthy kind... strawberries, bananas, plain yogurt, and ice (and 'Malibu Rum' after I remove the appropriate amount for the children). Children should not be weaned on rum. Well, on second thought, milk and rum ... in the bottles? Perhaps worth considering.

Really, 'Malibu Rum' isn't like drinking at all. Can't even taste it! Can't even feel it! But it is a wonderful 'mood enhancer' ... all beachy and coconuty.

My latest plead is for an xm radio. Inside. Not the car. I don't spend enough time driving during the summer. So, inside. I want to be able to listen to radio margaritaville all day. I am begging.

Husband: "What do you need that for?"
Me: "just think, all day, margaritaville indoors - you would have one helluva happy wife!"
Husband: "you're already happy... and why is that?"
Me: "true..."
Husband: "besides, turn on the stereo... all five are already and always filled with Buffett CDs anyway."
Me: "true..."
Husband: "plus, the car... not only do you have all five stations programmed to XM55, but every CD is Buffett!"
Me: "inside satellite radio would be so convenient"
Husband: "for what?"
Me: "obviously, probably NOT getting an indoor radio."

So I can be found, post-smooth-smoothies, sitting in my car for the rest of the day!

Small Farm Animals in Question

Dear HOA,

We would like to inquire about the small farm animal policy per HOA [home owner's association]guidelines.

How many chickens equal a small farm animal?

Sincerely,

Melissa
Lot #9


Response:

Dear Melissa,

We at the HOA regret to inform you that we are a very busy volunteer group and do not have sufficient time for questions/riddles. This may come as a shock to you, but we do have full-time employment and the HOA is in addition to our regular life duties. Please contact us when you have a legitimate question/concern.

Sincerely,

HOA
of _____________.


Response:

Dear HOA,

I am sorry if I appeared to be mocking your duties. But, I seriously would like to know "how many chickens equal a small farm animal?". I am not ridiculing with the old "how many chickens does it take to ....?"

My daughter, Victoria, has been trying to decide which small farm animal she would like to have on our lot #9. And recently, she decided that she would like to house chickens. So, according to policy, can we have ONE chicken only? Or can we have a couple of chickens? Victoria is flowing with empathy. She feels that only ONE chicken will become lonely. She would like the chicken to have a sibling. And possibly some 'eggs'.

So, once again, how many chickens equal a small farm animal?

Thank you,

Melissa
Lot #9


Response:

Dear Melissa,

Please have your husband contact us at his earliest convenience!

Sincerely,

HOA
of __________

Fire Engine 26

You know who you are!

I was on my front porch yesterday when you all (four firemen and a truck) were out for a morning drive. 9:45 am to be exact!

You were braking to a stop at the four-way sign. My house is on the corner. On the left. Yes, that was me.

I was standing on top of a three-step stool wearing a YELLOW bathing suit. Yes, still ME! I was watering the hanging baskets and washing the entry windows. REMEMBER?

I saw your truck approaching, so I sucked in my 'post-baby' gut and posed really sexy while perching and stretching upward on top of the step stool. (Approximately 36 inches off the cement ground.) Thought I might turn your head?!

Suddenly, I lost my balance and tumbled HEAD-FIRST into the shrubs off the porch (36 inches plus 18 more porch height inches), falling 54 INCHES!

DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE I NEEDED HELP OUT OF THE PRICKLY BUSH?? DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE I NEEDED RESCUING?? DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE I DROPPED MY PHONE IN THE HEDGE AND I NEEDED TO RETRIEVE IT??

AND, you all just sat and stared (and probably laughed). Your time limit had clearly EXPIRED at the STOP SIGN!

And, by the way, I AM OKAY! I AM NOT INJURED! (although my pride is!) I WAS JUST CHECKING THE HEIGHT AND DENSITY OF THE SHRUBS!! (YES, I WAS!) OH, AND RETRIEVING MY PHONE!!! (YES, I REALLY WAS!)

It IS Summer

Hair TODAY. THONG Tomorrow.

I am off to a 'laser' appointment with promises of 'thongs and going commando' in my future. (As if I have ever needed a reason.)

Better than waxing.
Better than ignoring.
Better than shaving.
Better than electrolysis.
Better than denying.
Better than tweezing.
Better than shearing.
Better than granny pantying.
Better than alcohol. Probably not.
Better than chocolate. Doubt it.

Chocolate, alcohol and thongs. NOW, that's GOOD!

Spell check does not work in real life

On Monday morning, the teacher greets the classroom of twenty-four eager, happy students.

"I have the new first grade spelling list for this week. Ten fabulous new words and two bonus words. Let's introduce the new words!"

1. have - I have a new dog.

"Who would like to volunteer to spell the word 'have'?" asks the teacher.

"h-a-v-e", Brian confidently spells.

The teacher writes the word on the board and praises Brian.

2. funny - I laughed at his funny joke.

"Any volunteers?" questions the teacher. "Go ahead, Jake."

"f-u-c-k", Jake innocently spells.

The teacher ceases writing midstream f-u-.... and hides her face (creative, new, and very funny).

"Well, not exactly. Actually, there are five letters in this word. But ... Jake can I see you a moment. Class, please continue working on your reading handout."

Thank God the other twenty-three first-graders have not been weaned on the F-Word.

Something to consider...

Fire drills are necessary. Children practice drills at school. But what about an emergency planning of a fire drill at home?

We have smoke alarms mounted in every corner of our home. Hopefully, someone in the household will hear one of them! Because IF I cannot awake to an alarm clock, or five, then I surely will not awake to a smoke alarm. I do not even hear them.

One night in my college dorm room, the fire alarm went off at three o'clock in the morning. My roommate insisted I get up. Sleepily, I rolled over and stated the obvious, "Hit SNOOZE". I think roommate pushed me out of the bunk. Because I eventually made it outside into the bitter temperature of twenty degrees. We cannot burn out here in a three foot snowbank.

We barely have an escape route planned for our home. I have told the children to just get outside. Jump out your windows. Luckily we reside in a one story. And IF you do not know where to go... go to the pool. The water will keep you safe until you are rescued.

My life flashes before my eyes - the good, the bad and the questionable. A fire. We will burn. I must plan an escape. I have some redeeming to do before 'that' day arrives.

I hear the searing of flames, the burning, ravaging fire offers its condolences:
STOP DROP AND ROLL WON'T WORK IN HELL!

A Movie Reference

My movie of the week is "Made of Honor" with Patrick Dempsey. I apologize because I am not sure what other actors are in it because I never get beyond the name "Patrick Dempsey".

I chauffeur my daughter every morning at 7:45 for soccer camp. She is finding the camp a bit boring due to the fact that it is all "Drills" and not so much "Soccer". I bring my chair, jug of water, book, sunscreen (because, yes, at 7:45 am it is already 95 degrees!), camera, cellphone and ipod.

Why do we stay to watch "camp"? I am not really sure. But all the other moms, dads, nannies, or grandparents are staying. So I stay, too.

I find the silver lining in soccer camp. I take photos. I take more photos. I wait for my daughter. I tell her to hurry and get in the car because I have some private news to share.

In the voice of an adult and all it's maturity, I gush, "Did you see TINY SHORTS?"

"MOM, shhhh!"

"I know, I know, but did you see TINY SHORTS?"

"It's just like our new favorite movie, 'Made of Honor', and TINY SHORTS playing basketball!"

I have captured TINY SHORTS in approximately twenty-six photos. We do not know TINY SHORTS therefore I will not add insult by posting his photo.

TINY SHORTS wears teeny shorts and knots his long t-shirt in the front (like Farrah Fawcett in the seventies!)

I laugh all the way home. I have more enthusiasm for soccer tomorrow. My daughter is gaining a bit more enthusiasm too. Too bad it is not for the 'right' reason.