word of the moment

I pulled the dust-covered Webster's Dictionary off of the top shelf.  Ah, I have not seen this dear friend in a long time... guessing since the LSAT test... a few years ago. 

The letter tabs are completely worn off.  With all the technology these days, the words of the day from various web-sites, the on-line dictionaries, the on-line thesauruses ... my beloved blue dictionary has been forgotten.

I am going to open up the dictionary - at this precise moment - as I am typing this blog - and pick a word. 

The word is ...

paraphysis

 

page 901.  right hand column. that is where my prosthetic index pointer finger landed. 

Frankly, I doubt this word would EVER end up as a WORD OF THE DAY on any given web-site.  It is a new word for me... and again, I doubt I would EVER use this word in daily conversation - except...

The definition is...

n.  (pear-a-fi-zz-us) one of the sterile filaments accompanying the spore-carrying or sexual organs of certain fungi.

 

... except perhaps to refer to someone I despise (you know who you are) as a quixotic paraphysis.   One who has a very sterile personality.  And I am quite sure he is some kind of polycystic boil who resembles fungus!

definition of pining...

pining (v) 1. to suffer intense longing or yearning. 2. to wither or waste away from longing or grief. 3. intense grieving, mourning, or longing.

Boyfriend Z, Boyfriend's parents, and I were out to dinner. I was new to the workforce. I was new to the area. I was new to this particular family. I was new to the feeling of hatred!

Father-in-law wannabe announced, "I see you are PINING for my son."

Stunned into silence me could only utter, "HUH?"

Father-in-law wannabe continued, "You see, we like you better than Ex-A, Ex-B, and Ex-C. So please don't screw this up!"

Flabbergasted me wanted to PUKE, "What?"

"Honey," said Mother-in-law wannabe, "Can't you see, SHE doesn't know what PINING means? Oh, and son, she is of good size - she will never get FAT by eating greens - and she can always get silicone implants. (But make sure she gets them before you two get engaged so we don't have to pay for this one, you know I am still paying off the last girl's.)"

Silent me shouted in my head, "You all are Friggin' LUNATICS!"

Boyfriend Z just sat there like the A$$ hole that he was (and is, I'm sure). He loved the ridicule. He loved the one-sided banter. He flunked out of college and received pleasure by making others feel DUMB.

I remained in my seat throughout that long meal and never commented.

So here's my chance:

"HEY Z FAMILY ... I responded with WHAT because, frankly, I was speechless! I know what the freakin' PINING word MEANS. It just happens that I can't believe I sat there and took your ABUSE. Yes, ABUSE. And by the way, I am the one laughing now!

Father-in-law wannabe: You're a bitter old man who hasn't gotten "ANY" in years! Perhaps you actually meant to use the word PINNING. As in, my son is trying to pin a wife so people don't assume he is gay!

Mother-in-law wannabe: You're ONLY married because FATTY has MONEY!!

And as for you, Boyfriend Z: YOU ARE FAT AND BALD AND STILL A LOSER LIVING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY! AND STOP GOOGLING ME!!!! I can still finish a 100 mile bike race faster than you. I can run faster than you. I am still smarter than you. I still have more degrees than you. I still have smaller boobies than you. You are still competing with me, but go ahead because you will NEVER win! I don't need to google you (I have an acquaintance who occasionally fills me in on your one-sided competition with me). And I am still laughing!"

100

red jelly beans? 100 ounces? 100 minutes of peace and quiet? 100 freckles? 100 pages? 100 post-it notes? 100 t-shirts? 100 pennies? 100 steps to the mailbox? 100 idle seconds til I hear the word "MOM"? 100 repetitions of squats? 100 pistachios? 100 ...

100 blog posts!

100 days of writing... of releasing words... of mindless drivel.

Dictionary

Disclaimer: I make up words - like all the time. And, frequently, I make up my own definitions to existing words (which absolutely makes my husband insane). Oh, I sometimes (gleefully) even mispronounce words on purpose just to "irritate" someone who wants to feel superior! (like the time I repeatedly [at least 10 times in 3 sentences] said "PILOTS" for "PILATES" just to piss off snobby co-worker who walked away from me in a huffy puffy strut! Take that!)

During discussions, husband often asks me to re-define my words so that he can debate with me according to my "world of language". Very kind of him to enter my figurative world! His is way too literal!

So my three year old has recently joined in the 'word art'. She saw a police woman for the first time yesterday at a 'Safety Fair'. Police woman approaches, "Hello, girls! Thank you for joining us today." I say hello and motion for my girls to do the same.

"Hello," mumbles the eldest daughter. Too bored and hot to be polite, obviously.

"Hello, POLICE MA'AM!" shouts the middle daughter. ("Excuse me, Talulah, but she is a police woman," I quietly point out.)

"I KNOW IT," loudly acknowledges middle daughter. "She is a MA'AM, a MA'AM, I said."

Police Ma'am and I share a laugh as middle daughter continues on with her "new word" about the mailman and how our mailman is also a Mail MA'AM!

Word Kill

Coffee. Check.
Free time. Check.

Every morning, friend B logs onto the computer and begins her daily Internet ritual. First stop, mail. Inbox. And there waiting to be opened is her favorite email. The email that will fulfill her inferiority complex. The email that delusionally sets her upon a superiority stool. The email that ultimately makes her looks like an ass.

The "Word of the Day". The "Word of the Day" is interesting because it states, defines, and pronounces the new word. Unfortunately, however, it does not inform friend B how to correctly use this new word.

In the next twenty-four hours, friend B will use the "Word of the Day" as often as possible. Regardless of the current conversation and its context. Regardless of anything except the word that has been temporarily imprinted into her cerebrum. The WORD clouds out all reason and rationale. Friend B can only concentrate on THE word!

Six of us are gathered and we are currently discussing the political climate in D.C. Friend B interjects, "Based on my ERUDITION, remember, I am an English Major, blah, blah, blah!"

We stare at friend B, stunned into silence. Once again, we continue debating the last one-hundred days of the new president. Ten minutes later, friend B exclaims, "The ERUDITION I received at Kalamazoo College - now worth one-hundred thousand dollars - gives me the authority to be an expert on president B, blah, blah, blah!"

I cringe. Nobody speaks. I ponder erudition (extensive knowledge acquired chiefly from books). "Era-dee-shun" as friend B enunciates the "D" as if she lives in Spain. UGH! Friend B needs a "Webster" intervention.

Husband of friend B, speak up! She is torturing my ears. I cannot take this blatant word-kill. Friend B-husband has previously tried to curtail his wife's word obsession. But he is reprimanded and scolded with the overused "I AM AN ENGLISH MAJOR!"

Friend B has a desire to appear to be THE smartest person in the room. And in reality, SHE is the smartest dumbass in the room!

Fixin' - it's a Southern Thing

We fix dinner. We fix a crack. We fix a hole. We fix the car. We fix (many) a drink. We fix anything that is broken (sooner or later).

After thirteen years, I am still considered to be a "Northerner". However, if we are concerned with geographically-correct placement, I am a "Midwesterner". I have a slight, very slight, drawl only when speaking with other Southerners, and only if they happen to have a serious accent. At home, we speak Midwestern, which is basically a dialect with a non-existing accent.

One day, Victoria came home from Preschool announcing that tomorrow is "Shoooooooooooow -in - Taaaaaaaaaale" day.

me: "What kind of day is it?"

Victoria: "I said, shoooooooooow-in-taaaaaaaaale." (duh) "The kind of day that you bring in an item to show the class and then you have to tale all about it." "It's the best kind of day."

me: "Oh!"

So the following day Victoria took an ammonite.

Ahhh. Cute. Victoria's first drawled word.

I heard it again. Victoria came home singing "Jingle Bells" -- a tune stuck in her head since her class was preparing for their Christmas program.

"jangle bails, jangle bails, jangle all the waaaaay..."

And again, "I ahm fuh-iiiii-ve yeeears old".

Now, I am nauseated, not naw-ze-ay-ted.

When I first landed in Fort Worth, I worked with thick Southern accents. Initially, I had a difficult time processing their sentences if the accent was too deep. A co-worker was rushing around to end her day. She announced "I'm fixin' to go on vacation". I stared at her. "Fixin' what?", I wondered. What would one possibly be fixing on vacation? That is definitely not my idea of a vacation, a working vacation.

I am praying that Victoria doesn't learn and use this particular ear-numbing Southern word, "fixin'". How will we explain that word to our non-Texan relatives? Recently, I have heard fixin' spewed from two classmates' mouths. The two classmates are now on our "Do NOT Play with" list.

I am still in awe. Victoria learned to speak from her Northern parents. Yet, she has developed a Southern accent via osmosis, against any accentless persuasion . It is inevitable that she have a Southern accent, after all, she was born a Texan. She is a Texan. She is not from Michigan. She is not from Montana. She is Texan, born and raised.

And I know little sister, Petra, will soon utter her first Southern drawled word. Please don't let it be fixin'.