a joke, if you don't like tasteless jokes ... do not read

So I have a JOKE.  It is the ONLY joke I know.  It is the ONLY joke I can remember. EVER.  My funny, weaned on 4-letter words and liquor, Italian friend from Brooklyn told me this joke.  About 25 years ago.  And I have been told many jokes since then but I do NOT remember ANY of them.  Not even the "knock-knock" ones on the restaurant cup that my children read daily. 

DIRTY JOHNNY

Dirty Johnny is always late for school.  Daily.  On this particular day the teacher told Dirty Johnny that if he received ONE more tardy then he would have DETENTION for the rest of the year. 

That night Dirty Johnny set his alarm, went to bed early, and woke up really early to his alarm.

He got dressed.  Ate Breakfast.  Brushed his teeth.  And got on his bike to ride to school.

He pedaled really fast.  He was going along just fine.  He checked his watch.  Plenty of time.  He turned the corner.  Still pedaling real fast.  He checked his watch again.  Plenty of time. 

All of a sudden, he saw a dog get hit by a bus. 

Dirty Johnny stopped to help the dog.  He checked his watch again.  Uh-Oh.

Dirty Johnny got back on his bike.  Pedaled really fast all the way to school.  Ran inside.  Ran to his desk.

"Dirty Johnny", shouted his teacher.  "YOU are LATE!  That's it!  Detention for the rest of the year!"

"But, teacher, teacher, you don't understand," replied Dirty Johnny.  "I got up really early.  I got ready.  I had plenty of time.  I got on my bike.  I pedaled really fast.  I checked my watch.  I still had plenty of time.  I turned the corner.  And BAM, a dog got hit in the A$$ by a Bus!"

"Dirty Johnny, it's RECTUM", corrected his teacher.

"Wrecked him?  Wrecked him???"  "God damn bus nearly f*ckin' killed him!"

i suppose we have all had this desire

... and, by the way, what is he made out of?  Kryptonite?  Steel?  Shit?  Because the a$$hole didn't die!

Languages, Linguistics, Losinitall in a Pub Crawl

No need to worry about drinking and driving.

No need to worry about anything.

No need to know your destination.

Eventually you will end up at one of the 1000 pubs.

Drink RADEGAST

and

bE hApPy!!!

the "what if...?" game

What if we lived in a country/place where women are called damy?

How does one pronounce damy?

Damn-ee?

Dame-ee?

Damn?

I guess this is the place where America inherited the phrase "Damn woman" from!

2010 or bust!

It's only been ONE day... and

So far I have managed to keep all of my New Year Resolutions!

I haven't lifted a finger.

Not a creature or person to stir.

I haven't done a thing.

The days are normal and slowly returning.

Amazingly, I do not have even an ounce of remorse or GUILT.

PS  I dumped MILT

2011

Can you believe it is 2011?
Personally, I cannot.

My brain still cannot grasp the concept that 1994 was like 17 years ago!  It feels like maybe 4 years ago.  NOT 17. 

A funny thing happened... sort of...

I was on a field trip with my girls to one of my favorite small towns in North Texas.  We were in the Town Square... enjoying all the shops, sights and colors. 

The first shop stopped me... and told me I look so familiar and was I from there.  Nope.

The second shop asked again, if I was from there because I looked familiar.  No again.

The third shop gasped.  And I almost kissed the clerk with gratitude.  She said that she was startled when I turned around because I looked like thee Kate Middleton.  Well, maybe on a good day like 20 years ago.  ha ha.  But really I asked her where I could get some delusional snacks too.

The fourth shop asked again if I grew up here... No.  Not even close.  By about 2100 miles.  I claimed that I must have one of those faces today... the kind that looks familiar... or perhaps someone here looks like Me.  Who knows??

Well, that wasn't it.

The fourth shop lady-- who by the way looks like my mother's age-- said I look like a girl she went to school with. 

I paused because I about puked. 

I just stared and stared at that lady... because she looks like she is about 64 !! 

Or... maybe she was having a bad age day.

I blindly grabbed for my girls hands, leaving, and shockingly said "NO, I am not from here"... and "I must really look tired today!!

My daughter who was listening, asked, "So who is supposed to be happy here?  Do you look OLD?  Or does that lady just think she LOOKS young??"

Personally, I am going with the Kate Middleton thing. 

Happy New Year!

Best Wishes for 2010! 

May the New Year be a great beginning!

How many resolutions can one have? 

I suppose you can have as many as you want considering the resolution is broken within twenty-four hours anyhow.  But it is always good to attempt a resolution ... it is the "peer pressure" type of thing to do. 

Besides, it sounds noble to announce:

NO more cheating.  (on my driver's exam, people!!)

No more eating junk food.  (unless it is the main entree)

No more 'falling' for short, fat, bald men with a lot of money and zero personality.

No more impersonal attempts at maintaining friendships.

No more yo-yo personaliting.

No more house cleaning.

No more drinking.  (diet coke, people!!)

2010 is going to be a great year, if I can keep my resolutions!

Coffee, Tea or Me?

 I am totally still in the holiday spirit of delusion.

My house is messy.

My kids are dirty.

My cats are ... somewhere.

The inlaws are _______________ .

My husband is _______________ .

Remember, I am still filled with the holiday spirit.

How many more days till everyone leaves the house - back to school, back to work, back to their hometown, back to Timbuktu, back to wherever they need to be????

Always a TICKER. Always a COUNTDOWN. Always WAITING.

God, I don't want to be wishing my days, weeks, months, years away.

My NEW YEAR RESOLUTION....

I WILL STOP MAKING COUNTDOWNS!!!

Fat and Happy...

... are the cats, the dogs, the kids, the hubby.  AHHH!  What a wonderful time of year! 

I hope everyone has had a memorable Christmas Holiday. 

Warmest Wishes for 2010!

PS  Santa, thank you for bringing me three karats worth of sparkly diamond earrings.  My husband swears he didn't buy them.  He has no idea where they came from.  But I believe.  So I know you were the one doling out this big, huge wonderful surprise!  Love you Santa!

Merry Christmas!

Have a Blessed Christmas Day!

A German Pickle to be in...

I don't care if this Christmas Tradition is a "created for Americans only but supposedly originated in Germany" tradition.  I think it is FABULOUS.  I think it is FUN.  Especially for the PICKLE FINDER! 

Our Non-German family, barely American at that, has a different twist on the German Pickle... we leave the German Pickle out for Santa -- along with his cookies and milk.  We ask that Santa hide the Pickle in the tree.  (I believe the American version asks that a family member hide the pickle, but we thought it would be more fun if Santa did!)

So, Santa hides the pickle on our tree on Christmas Eve when he makes it to our house.  When we awake in the morning, whoever finds the PICKLE FIRST on the tree receives an extra present.  Santa has left a special package under the tree with a tag that reads "PICKLE PRESENT". 

"HAPPY PICKLE HUNTING"!

ps  I hope I find the pickle!!

Only 4 more days...

... until Christmas Morning! 

I am as excited as my children.  It is a magical day... ENJOY! 

And don't forget to "ELBOW" any Grinch-bitch who doesn't smile or share in the holiday spirit!