And more drivel...

And on the second day of the New Year, I was welcome to dismantle our home from every holiday article.
Yay for ME!
It was a fabulous day spent taking down trees, decorations, and stockings.

i.love.to.clean

This is the way we clean the house, clean the house, clean the house

This is the way we clean the house

At THREE in the morning

This is the way we sweep the crap, sweep the crap, sweep the crap

This is the way we sweep the crap

Deep in the corner

This is the way we wash a dish, wash a dish, wash a dish

This is the way we wash a dish

Big doggy lickins

This is the way we iron a shirt, iron a shirt, iron a shirt

This is the way we iron a shirt

Flattened under a mattress

This is the way we make the bed, make the bed, make the bed

This is the way we make the bed

Guess we didn't do it

This is the way we make a meal, make a meal, make a meal

This is the way we make a meal

Out of a box

This is the way we polish the table, polish the table, polish the table

This is the way we polish the table

Spit Shine and Wipe

This is the way we sanitize, sanitize, sanitize

This is the way we sanitize

Who's toothbrush's in the toilet

This is the way we mop the floor, mop the floor, mop the floor

This is the way we mop the floor

Just spill your water

This is the way we start the day, start the day, start the day

This is the way we start the day

With coffee and kahlua

This is the way we end the day, end the day, end the day

This is the way we end the day

Sloppy and sloshy

C.H.A.O.S.

A long holiday weekend, inevitably leaves me dreading Monday morning. The mess, the toys, the stuff, the disorder, the CHAOS ...

CAN'T HAVE ANYONE OVER (til the house is clean) SYNDROME

I threaten, I bribe...
"No play dates"
"No outings"
"No pool time"
"No fun"
til this house work is DONE!

We cannot have anyone over!

My oldest wisely replies...
"No phone"
"No gossip"
"No TV"
"No beer"
til YOUR mess is clear!

La Cucaracha Hunters

We live in the south and have bugs as large as the state of Texas itself. Bugs that I have never learned to accept. Bugs that I have never grown accustomed to. Bugs that I despise. Of those bugs, La Cucaracha (the cockroach) is the worst!

We adopted two cats last year in a delusional state of being petless. Kittens are so cute and fuzzy and furry and sweet and cute (again). Then you bring them home...

Our cats love to hunt anything... geckos, ants, flies, mice, snakes, birds, squirrels and cockroaches.

We have never housed so many critters as we have in the past fourteen months. I spend every bloody morning chasing critters around the house -- trying to remove them from the indoor premises. The cats are quite humane as they ALWAYS bring the critters home ALIVE. So for three hours every morning, I fly around the house on a broom shooing birds (yes, witchlike). Sweeping snakes. Catching geckos. And running from squirrels and mice.

The cockroaches are carried in via cat mouth. Cat #1 holds the cockroach in its mouth, runs into the house, locates ME, and deposits the roach at my feet (alive, of course).

First, I wonder, why ME? Why not husband? Children? Neighbor? Why do I get the prize?

Next I think, I thought there weren't anymore cockroaches in a three block radius of our house. Didn't the cats already catch them all and bring them home?

So, this morning, I woke up to Cat #1 standing above me with a cockroach being deposited next to my head. No need for an alarm this morning. I jumped out of bed and started wailing.

"Are you going to help me out? Or should I just run the vacuum and wake up the rest of the house?" It is only 5:45 am.

And so I begin to sing, in my loud tone-deaf voice, at 5:46 am.

La cucaracha, la cucaracha,
The cockroach, the cockroach,
ya no puede caminar
can't walk anymore
porque no tiene, porque le falta
because it doesn't have, because it's lacking
las dos patitas de atrás.
its two back feet.

Homemaid

'tis the handmade, homemade, diy generation. i cook, i clean, i launder, i take care of the children, i sew, i make, i paint, i create, i garden, i iron, i fix, i wash, i compost, i inebriate.
some time ago, i decided that i needed someone to come to my home and help me clean. not much. not thorough. not expensive. just the bathrooms and flooring. and so my quest for the unreasonable began.

my first attempt at 'hiring' a helper was "kate". her name and phone number arrived like destiny in my hand from friend A. friend A and i were on a play date with our children. she convinced me that this was the ONE.

i eagerly called and hired all in one breath.

me: kate, how much and when?

kate: $50 for a cleaning (not an hour, whew!) and i can come every other tuesday.

so, tuesday it is. husband's at work. daughter's at 'mother's day out'. the price of fifty was due to the amount of bathrooms in my home (three) and the total cleaning time would be at least three hours.

our first tuesday together was everything i had hoped it would be, and more. kate cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. my house was immaculate after three hours of scrubbing, scouring, washing, rinsing, polishing, and dusting. not that it was really very dirty since i have a bad habit of cleaning before 'help' comes to the rescue. (husband and mother would probably disagree). i was very blissful and googoo-eyed just as every newly infatuated relationship begins. i glowed and gushed, "see you in two weeks" as i handed over the very worth it money.

two weeks later, she cancels. reschedule. a week later, i cancel. reschedule. finally, a second cleaning to begin at 9 am. since this woman knows a friend of mine (for a few years now and they did meet at church), i decided to use her cleaning time to run a couple of errands that desperately needed to get accomplished. at 9:15 am, i left the money in an envelope and told her where it was just in case i didn't return before she was finished. i really didn't think i would be out until 12 noon. and i wasn't. i finished up my errands at 10:15 am and arrived at home ... to an empty home. no, she did not steal anything. she just wasn't there. she was gone. she didn't even leave a note. i knew she was not returning - it's not like she ran out of windex.

my house did not smell clean, it did not look clean, it was not clean. it was vacuumed. and for fifty green bucks, i sure as hell could push a vacuum. i was not mad, as in mean-revengeful-mad. i was just bitter. i paid a woman money to vacuum a small home. that was the fastest fifty bucks she earned, i'm sure. fifty bucks for thirty minutes (who thinks she stayed an hour?) -- that is one hell of an hourly rate. i am totally in the wrong business.

so my house stayed dirty for a very long time. perhaps my husband will suggest some help for me. when manatees fly. perhaps my husband will help out. when pigs dance. meanwhile, friend A got wind of my maidless home and called to remind me that "kate" only SURFACE CLEANS. what the hell is that? i do that daily! needless to say, friend A no longer employs "kate" as well. honestly, i didn't have anything to do with that. i just took a personal stand against hiring someone to surface clean.

my maidquest has continued over the years.

wanted: monthly cleaning

i'm easy -- i clean before you arrive

thorough cleaning preferred

i provide products -- drinks -- snacks

even friendly conversation, if you speak English

(se habla espanol tambien y nihongo o hanashimasu mo)

stay tuned for part II of my search for the perfect cleaning partner. does she exist?