recaps of the last six weeks

7.  Rats 'n' Cats

Where did this one come from?
Actually, it came from the house with the horrendous, ugly, 1970s green paint job.  Not only do they need a painter, they need an exterminator. 

Thankfully, we were outdoors so the cats didn't make it into the house with their "trophy" -- instead they played in the yard; until my husband arrived home and freed the little critter (back to the house with the ugly green paint)

PS no critters, cats, mice, rats or people were harmed in filming this "rat'n'cat" gameshow. 

the "Queen of Clean"

I love these books!  The Queen of Clean, aka Linda Cobb, has some great ideas and tips for cleaning almost anything.  The Baking Soda book by Vicki Lansky is also great!

Recently, I used a Queen of Clean tip because my fairly new shower door was showing signs of SOAP SCUM.  The dreaded scum.  The difficult to remove scum.  You can only keep a glass shower door scum-free for so long; even with daily cleaning and squeegeeing.  I tried every product available in the household cleaner aisle.  Expensive, inexpensive, good quality, bad quality, indifferent.  I spent three hours trying different cleaners.  Darling husband had read on the internet to use "oven cleaner" to remove soap scum.  Being almost 6 months pregnant, I didn't want to be around those harsh fumes.  And I knew that darling husband was probably not going to help me experiment. 

So, I referred to the Queen.  She said to use "mineral oil aka baby oil".  How can oil clean soap scum?

You know what, I tried it.  It's a MIRACLE!  And it WORKS!  I have the most beautiful glass shower doors in Texas, I'm sure! (... until the next shower!)

it's friday the 13th

and have you been to the Winchester Mystery House?  In San Jose, California?  This house is the most amazing place to be on a Friday the 13th!  A Tour of the House by Torch!  (That is, a flashlight!)  If you are ever in the bay area, this is a fantastic site to visit.

check it out at http://www.winchestermysteryhouse.com/

Sarah Winchester was married to the son of the Winchester Rifle manufacturer.  Upon her husband's death, Mrs. Winchester was convinced by a medium that continuous building would appease the evil spirits of those killed by the Winchester weapons and help her attain eternal life. Certainly her $20,000,000 inheritance was sufficient to support her obsession until her death at 82!

Amazing Facts:
Number of rooms: 160
Cost: $5,500,000
Date of Construction: 1884 - September 5, 1922 (38 continuous years!)
Number of stories: Prior to 1906 Earthquake - 7; presently 4
Number of acres: Originally 161.919; presently 4
Number of basements: 2
Heating: Steam, forced air, fireplaces
Number of windows: Frames 1,257; panes approx. 10,000
Number of doors: Doorways 467, doors approx. 950 not including cabinet doors.
Number of fireplaces: 47 (gas, wood, or coal burning)
Number of chimneys: Presently 17 with evidence of 2 others
Number of cars at her death: 2 (a 1917 Pierce Arrow Limousine & a 1916 4 cyl. Buick truck)
Number of bedrooms: Approx. 40
Number of kitchens: 5 or 6
Number of staircases: 40, total of stair steps - 367
Number of skylights: Approx. 52
Number of gallons of paint required to paint entire home: Over 20,000
Number of ballrooms: 2 (one nearly complete, and one under construction)
Blueprints available: No, Mrs. Winchester never had a master set of blueprints, but did sketch out individual rooms on paper and even tablecloths!

i.love.to.clean

This is the way we clean the house, clean the house, clean the house

This is the way we clean the house

At THREE in the morning

This is the way we sweep the crap, sweep the crap, sweep the crap

This is the way we sweep the crap

Deep in the corner

This is the way we wash a dish, wash a dish, wash a dish

This is the way we wash a dish

Big doggy lickins

This is the way we iron a shirt, iron a shirt, iron a shirt

This is the way we iron a shirt

Flattened under a mattress

This is the way we make the bed, make the bed, make the bed

This is the way we make the bed

Guess we didn't do it

This is the way we make a meal, make a meal, make a meal

This is the way we make a meal

Out of a box

This is the way we polish the table, polish the table, polish the table

This is the way we polish the table

Spit Shine and Wipe

This is the way we sanitize, sanitize, sanitize

This is the way we sanitize

Who's toothbrush's in the toilet

This is the way we mop the floor, mop the floor, mop the floor

This is the way we mop the floor

Just spill your water

This is the way we start the day, start the day, start the day

This is the way we start the day

With coffee and kahlua

This is the way we end the day, end the day, end the day

This is the way we end the day

Sloppy and sloshy

Have I mentioned...

that we are building a home? Someday? Near future? Maybe? Ten years max? Who the heck knows? And who cares (you're thinking)?

The hold up: we cannot finalize decisions together. Hell, we cannot even agree on the most mundane issues when it comes to the house. Husband starts droning on about the number of windows, their energy rating, low-e and their placement. I counteroffer a suggestion of slate flooring. Husband rolls his eyes and demands to know (1.) IF I am serious; we're discussing windows! and (2.) What does flooring have to do with windows? Well, duh, flooring is kind of important... as is the size and style of the new refrigerator.

I swear, IF we can pull this off without a divorce, I will quit drinking (I promise!).

He rarely changes his mind. And, me, I change my mind by the hour. On a whim. On a fancy.

One or two staircases?
four or five car garage?
three or four or five bedrooms?
two or no bathrooms? (I DESPISE cleaning toilets! Can't we just go down the street to the gas station?)
third story?
stucco or brick?

ICF or bust? Only ICF (Insulated concrete forms... the perfect solution to going green and having a 5000 square foot home heated and cooled for under $100/month!)

Today we met with our 'very patient' architect. He likes me. He gets my humor. He gets my ideas. Yes, I want a slide from the 3rd floor to the outside patio into a pit of sand. AND if that deems impossible, inefficient, impractical, or expensive... then I'll agree to the firestation pole and I'll be happy. Except sliding down into the game room doesn't sound like too much fun!

After three long, debilitating hours with the 'perfect' architect - I smiled with satisfaction as he reworked our plans for the ninth time this summer. And he even added the elevator I insisted I might need in old age. After all, I am of 'maternally advanced' age.

"I HOPE YOU AND THE ARCHITECT WILL BE VERY HAPPY WITH 'OUR' HOUSE!" declares 'out-numbered/out-voted' husband.

C.H.A.O.S.

A long holiday weekend, inevitably leaves me dreading Monday morning. The mess, the toys, the stuff, the disorder, the CHAOS ...

CAN'T HAVE ANYONE OVER (til the house is clean) SYNDROME

I threaten, I bribe...
"No play dates"
"No outings"
"No pool time"
"No fun"
til this house work is DONE!

We cannot have anyone over!

My oldest wisely replies...
"No phone"
"No gossip"
"No TV"
"No beer"
til YOUR mess is clear!

La Cucaracha Hunters

We live in the south and have bugs as large as the state of Texas itself. Bugs that I have never learned to accept. Bugs that I have never grown accustomed to. Bugs that I despise. Of those bugs, La Cucaracha (the cockroach) is the worst!

We adopted two cats last year in a delusional state of being petless. Kittens are so cute and fuzzy and furry and sweet and cute (again). Then you bring them home...

Our cats love to hunt anything... geckos, ants, flies, mice, snakes, birds, squirrels and cockroaches.

We have never housed so many critters as we have in the past fourteen months. I spend every bloody morning chasing critters around the house -- trying to remove them from the indoor premises. The cats are quite humane as they ALWAYS bring the critters home ALIVE. So for three hours every morning, I fly around the house on a broom shooing birds (yes, witchlike). Sweeping snakes. Catching geckos. And running from squirrels and mice.

The cockroaches are carried in via cat mouth. Cat #1 holds the cockroach in its mouth, runs into the house, locates ME, and deposits the roach at my feet (alive, of course).

First, I wonder, why ME? Why not husband? Children? Neighbor? Why do I get the prize?

Next I think, I thought there weren't anymore cockroaches in a three block radius of our house. Didn't the cats already catch them all and bring them home?

So, this morning, I woke up to Cat #1 standing above me with a cockroach being deposited next to my head. No need for an alarm this morning. I jumped out of bed and started wailing.

"Are you going to help me out? Or should I just run the vacuum and wake up the rest of the house?" It is only 5:45 am.

And so I begin to sing, in my loud tone-deaf voice, at 5:46 am.

La cucaracha, la cucaracha,
The cockroach, the cockroach,
ya no puede caminar
can't walk anymore
porque no tiene, porque le falta
because it doesn't have, because it's lacking
las dos patitas de atrás.
its two back feet.

'UM all day long!

The no-see-ums have invaded my home. The no-see-ums have taken over every resident's brain except mine. The no-see-ums are here all day long! The no-see-ums are flippin' annoying!

"Mom, where are my flip flops?"

"Um, where you left them?"

"I don't see um."

"Stand in front of your closet, look at the third shelf, look in the third shelf, and look at your flip flops."

"I don't see um. Can you come and find um?"

"First, open your eyes really wide and then look. IF you still can't see them, let me know."

"I don't see um."

I stomp all the way to the closet and pull the flip flops off the third shelf. "UGH!"

"Honey, do you know where my sunglasses are?"

"Yes, where you left them."

"I don't see um."

(Surprise I mutter.) "Go into the kitchen, open the first drawer on the right, look in the first drawer on the right, and pick up your sunglasses."

"I don't see um."

(Oh, for the love of God.) "Look carefully, they are there."

"I don't see um."

I stomp into the kitchen and lift the sunglasses out of the first drawer on the right. "HERE!"

"Mom, where are my markers?" "Honey, where are my pliers?" ... and it goes on and on.

"MOM ..." "HONEY, ..." "MOOOOMMMMM ...." "HONNNNEEEEEY, ..."

Oh, I am sorry I have the NO-HEAR-UMS!!!
(And the other resident, I believe she has the no-taste-ums.)