what would you do?

Because I apparently have way too much free time on Wednesdays.

My friend and I met for coffee.  We needed some girl time, big girl time.  So we grabbed a table outside and sipped our over-caffeinated beverages. 

Our discussion turned to plastic surgery.  (Obviously it is still on my mind.  A lot.)  Would you do it?  That was the main question.  So, to answer honestly.  Or dishonestly.  That is the real question!

"I would never do that."
"I am going to age gracefully, oh, and naturally."
"I would never pay for that."
"I don't want to be like all the other plastic over-30 mommies."
"Can you believe that women are starting on the plastic road at 30?"

... and the statements vary from one responder to the next.  What staged answer should I use? 

So, for fun, we pull up some local websites that offer "mommy makeovers".  Have you heard of this new marketing trend?  A full makeover (and I am not talking blush and eyeshadow at the Lancome counter) costs upward of $15,000.  Tummy tuck, chin enhancer, lipo, breast lift, butt lift, fillers (cheeks, chin), upper arms, etc... 

(I say the trend is new, but in reality, it is just new to me.  Because everyone has already ventured down that road.  I am always the last to jump on board.  Remember, my house was one of the last to get high-speed internet?!)

We were laughing at the BEFORE and AFTER photos on X's website.  It is really unfortunate when the photographs of BEFORE are very similar to the AFTER.  Or if the BEFORE is more attractive than the AFTER. 

So laughing.  And laughing.

Until my friend lets out this terrifying SCREAM.  A real SCREAM.  And I laughed until I saw that she was serious about the scream.

"Shit, I cannot believe this," friend says.

"What?  That photograph isn't that scary,"  I respond.

"No, not that," friend has a hard time explaining.

"Huh?" I wait for an explanation.

"That one, that one there, that is my sister," friend sputters out.

"Nooooo!"  I digest her words.  "Really?" 

"Yes, that's my sister.  She never said anything.  She never ....  Shit,"  friend cannot finish.

"She is ___________," friend threatened.  (Although I don't really recall the exact words she used because it was like she was speaking in tongues.  Certainly not words my brain could comprehend.) 

"Well, if she was trying to keep her new body a secret then she shouldn't have given the X clinic permission to advertise her before/after."

Needless to say, coffee big girl time was interrupted and cut short.  I departed to return home.  And friend went to confront sister.  Sure wish I could have gone with her.  I couldn't make this shit up... I really wanted to know what happened next. 

Wednesdays at Walmart = FUN

ONLY because I arrived at WalMart at 7am.  Yes, in the morning!  I finally got BINGO at 8:29am! 

Thank you to the last WalMart patron! 

Unfortunately for me... I actually knew the BEARDED WOMAN. 

So, yes, confession time, I pretended that I didn't see you.  Yes, YOU.  And YES, it was ME.  AND Yes again, I purposely dropped my grocery bag and spent an inordinate amount of time picking up my private (now public) products. 

You see, you are one HAIRY FUNdamentally ILL woman growing a FUNdass FUNgus.  And YES, I was avoiding you.  Because EVERY time I meet your acquaintance, I have to hear how GREAT you are.  It's rather ANNOYING!  Deeply annoying.  I'd rather have my toenails removed.  

Do you exploit your latest surgery for awe?  for envy?  for jealousy?

Is it to feel secure by letting people think you have money?? 

Is it to gain compliments?  Like anyone is going to say, "Wow, what a waste of twenty grand!"  "Did it work?"  or "I can't tell the difference!" 

Your gasbagging SCREAMS "LOSER"!  Please STOP!

sabbatical is over...

I always take time off during my 'hand' anniversary to reflect on life and gratitude. 
There are so many things to be grateful for! 

1.   LASIK
2.   Breast Augmentation
3.   Tummy Tuck
4.   Slim Fast
5.   Prosthetics
6.   Single doctors
7.   Meds
8.   Bed rest
9.   Doctor's note
10. Sympathy

And on this day, we can also be reminded of the woes of David Letterman and Kate Gosselin.  Can losing  fingers compare to blackmail?  or to a messy divorce?

beauty has a price

AND, beauty definitely has an element of PAIN.

Botox, Restylane, Face lift, Lipo, SmartLipo, Abdominoplasty (Tummy and mini-tummy tuck), Breast implants, Breast reduction, Breast lift, Butt lift, Butt implants, Cheek implants, Rhinoplasty (nose), Blepharoplasty (eyelids), and the list goes on.

I have friends that began Botox and/or Restylane Injections when they celebrated their 3oth birthday. But, my question is... what happens when they turn 40? Will the need (not desire) for cosmetic surgery accelerate to a face lift at 40? or 50? For example, because the 30 year old decided to accelerate the 'anti-aging' process, will she desperately need a face lift? Will her face be 'older' than the average 40 year old because she chose injections over hydrating creams and SPF sunscreens?

I am definitely a plastic-surgery virgin... but there are a lot of women (18 and up) who have had more surgeries than I have had boyfriends. Breast implants are quite popular among the high school crowd. Boyfriends, Drinking and Boobs before college! Oh My!

The mommy mafia majority have all had Abdominoplasty! (Because they all got their boobs at 18, tummy tucks are IN for the thirtysomethings!) And for my age group, the fortysomethings, ANY and ALL plastic surgery is IN!

The thought of elected surgeries fill my senses with extreme pain. But... is it something I could consider, with highly effective post-operative pain MEDS?

MAYBE. MAYBE NOT.

PROBABLY NOT.

Considering my eyes well with tears at the "India Salon" - the new place in town to get beautifully arched eyebrows, I think elective, plastic, painful surgery is NOT in my future.

Eyebrow threading.

My four year old daughter innocently questions, "It is just string, how bad can that hurt?" IT hurts like HELL.

Life is NOT Fair

A totally overused cliche to describe something we WANT but do NOT receive:

bigger boobs
lipo'd thighs
botoxed lips
moneyed trees

Recently I discovered the true meaning of "Life is NOT Fair" when I accompanied my friend, Lander, to divorce court.

Wallace served Lander divorce papers as if she were the recipient of a Surprise 40th Birthday Party. After twenty-two years and two children, Lander was shocked, horrified, and bewildered.

Eight months later, Lander and I took our seats in front of the judge. Lander is in need of child support and alimony.

A few minutes later, a tall, striking woman approaches the bench. Wallace's lawyer? Wallace's new companion? Whoever she is, she is impeccably dressed with a definite air of plastic surgery-ness!

The judge taps her gavel three times (for effect). Lander Raney? Claudia Nicole Raney? Please stand!

I can no longer concentrate on the divorce proceedings. Wallace no longer exists. Wallace is now verified as Claudia Nicole on a social security card. Claudia Nicole has filed bankruptcy. There is NO money available to support their two children, presently or for college. Claudia has spent it ALL, having her "penis" chopped off.

(Lander is over the initial shock, but I am NOT! Claudia is lucky that I am not her ex-to-be. Because I have one word: REVENGE!)