lice is nice

Dear God,

I promise to stop ingesting my entire day's worth of calories before I go to bed.   Because, I swear, the food makes me CRAZY.  I mean, CRAZY DREAMS all night long. 

* Forget about the heartburn.
* Forget about the potential weight gain.
* Forget about the tooth decay.

What about the dreams?  Please God don't let them mean something!!  Because I really do not have the required amount of time to deal with the following mishaps.

Hope you're listening,
Your fellow listener,
~ m

So, last night, I dreamt about LICE.  Lice that erupted from white dandelion puffs.  The puffs that you blow and instead of spreading pollen -- it spread lice!  They were everywhere and I couldn't get the lice out of my house or children's hair.  And as I scrubbed and tugged and pulled and combed and weeded and separated my little one's hair strand by strand she announced, "LICE IS NICE".  And I laughed.

I woke myself up laughing. 

The dream prior to lice was about someone breaking into my home... and I grabbed a pistol.  But I could not remember the "rules" governing southern law. 
Can I shoot them with their back to me? 
Or do they have to be facing me?
And should I aim at their feet to deter the flee?
Or their arms so they can't run out the doors carrying baby gear?
And I couldn't comprehend why someone would break and enter for a wooden highchair or a used baby bjorn???
So I put a sign on my door, "8423 has better stuff -- they have teenagers".

Once and for all, I believe I have learned my lesson, NO FOOD AFTER 5pm.  Or at least four hours before slumbering.

PS  Please don't analyze my dreams, it really was the food intake prior to sleeping!

recaps of the last six weeks

2.  Our first visit to the Rainforest Cafe

The girls were enamored with the Rainforest and its animals.  I think they were so busy with all the sights and sounds that they could not concentrate on eating!  Afterall, it is a sight-seeing spot.  And a giftshop.  And a bar.  And a Build-A-Bear workshop.  All in one.

So, food was definitely not on the priority list.

Every few minutes, the Elephants would trunk-ese.  The gorillas would ooh-ooh-ese.  The toucans would caw-caw-ese.  The frogs would croak-croak-ese.  The rain would fall.  The alligator would open its mouth.   

The girls tried to toss coins into the alligator's mouth -- kind of like that "hungry, hungry, hippo" game.  They didn't master the coin tossing activity and claimed that the "yakudoshi" still exists.  "When does my "yakudoshi" end?" asked Victoria in a dramatic whiny pleading voice.  I find it difficult to equate "missing the alligator's mouth" with "yakudoshi".  I hardly call that bad luck. 

"I don't know," I respond, "when do you think it started?"

Since our rainforest departure, Petra inquires daily about the rainforest and our return!  And I am not exaggerating about the daily question because she asks at least sixteen times per day!!  And Victoria is still hung up on her bad luck year. 

YAKUDOSHI = BAD LUCK YEAR (IN JAPAN)

a taste of summer

How about just a plate of tri-colored bell peppers for lunch?

or dinner?

Personally, I think this is so much better than popcorn kebabs!

or marshmallow skewers!

Party menus are on my mind.

Party food is on the menu.

I am sitting here planning a special family celebration.

No surprises.  No gigantic parties.  No gags.

My wonderful husband will soon be celebrating a birthday... a big ONE.

like the big FIVE-OH.

I cannot believe it.

As I am sure he cannot believe it, as well.

He looks great for being two weeks shy of 50.

He looks young.  He acts young.  He thinks young.  Hell, he is young!

I wonder what he will look like in two more weeks!?

And just think, he will be 50 for two weeks before his third girl is born.

Unless, she graces us with early presence.

Ahhhh, the big FIVE-OH.

Assuming is a very bad thing

ESPECIALLY IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST, LUNCH OR DINNER!

I am not much of a cook, let alone a 'short-order' cook. I don't even pretend to be! If you come to our house... you'll probably be served the same thing you had last time. And the time before that. And the time before that.

Please don't ask my children what are their favorite foods... you may be surprised to learn that their favorites include: salmon, shrimp, tofu, spring rolls, edamame (please pronounce it 'ay-dah-mah-may'), tilapia and broccoli.

Shhhh! Now you know my secret (I really do cook) but it is better to pretend I don't - so you won't want to come and visit us!

Hot Dog!

It's a pig! It's a pet! IT'S ... a real cooked hot dog! AND I survived Vietnam on "HUDA" beer.

My claim to fame: I have never eaten a hotdog... the All-American kind or otherwise. I despise the looks of them. I hate the name of them. I detest the shape of them. The idea of eating a flesh popcicle is revolting. Forget about what they are made out of - fillers. What are fillers? Intestines? Gizzards? Cartilage? The shit you find in the insides of a turkey at Thanksgiving? UGH.

Needless to say, I am not a healthnut freak. I don't count fat grams. I ignore the idea of heart killing trans fats. It's not just because I don't know how to cook a hotdog. It's just I don't and won't eat hotdogs. NEVER. EVER.

What's For Lunch?

I don't see hamburgers, hotdogs, or pizza on this menu. Nor sandwiches, pasta or anything vaguely familiar!

Eenie, meenie, minee, moe...

I choose the first one and I hope it's not a pig toe.

Because I really hate pickled pig's feet and pickled chicken talons. UGH. As if pickling makes pig feet more edible! IT IS STILL PIG FEET!

And I really despise tripe, roasted dog, or smoked snails.

WELL, option number one turned out to be cold mushed potatoes... so I washed it down with a lot of PIVO!! (Beer) Any food is a bit more delicious when combined with a 'higher alcohol content' beer, maybe even pig feet!?

the definition of Choice

1. The act of choosing; selection.
2. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option.
3. A number or variety from which to choose: a wide choice of styles and colors.
4. The best or most preferable part.
5. An alternative

"I'm hungry!" echoes through the house on a consistent basis, like every twelve minutes.

"OK, we'll have lunch early," I give in. Who cares if it is only 10:17 am?

"What do you want?" I ask.

"I dunno," responds Child A. "What can I have?"

A lot of things come to mind... 'Cheerios', 'Popcorn', 'Snacksize Bag of Lays', 'Fruit Rollup'... but I have to consider nutritional value and the fact those items do not reside in my cabinet (really). Child A did not know what "junk food" was til I shipped her off to school. She came home inquiring about 'Pop-Tarts', 'Lunchables', 'Rice Krispy Treats', 'Chicken Nuggets', etc. And I properly reminded her that those snacks ONLY exist at school. Just like "CHUCK E. CHEESE" and "McDONALDS" -- they are ONLY a place to have a BIRTHDAY PARTY. It does NOT exist unless you attend or host a birthday party. HOW CLEVER! (I thought of that one all on my own!)

"Salmon or Taco-bake?" I offer as two choices.

"Well, yeah, BUT I don't think I really like any of those choices today!" Child A debates. "How about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

Now that I can do... "Good Choice!" I congratulate Child A.

Post 4th of July Menu

Breakfast: It is in the refrigerator unless you are taking us to IHOP. (hee hee)

Snack: The baby seems to prefer dirt, let's all try it! The pediatrician recommends one bite before 'passing'. Good rule to implement today!

Lunch: Whatever is quick... Popcorn? Marshmallow kebabs? Melted 'Parade' candy? Who has the phone number for 'PF Changs'?

Snack: Pool water with lemon? Something from the compost pile (didn't I just put watermelon rinds in there yesterday?)?

Dinner: Have we had cereal today? Corn Flakes? Cheerios? Cat food niblets dunked in milk?

Snack: a six pack of beer? bottle of wine? that old bottle of Tequila from 1991? Oh, and for the children, hell, why not mix up some lemonade and beer? Or dried up cheerios stuck to the floor? (I think they would prefer the beer!)

As for next week, I promise to cook (fingers crossed)!

The Egg-laying Cow

I find myself in the midst of deciphering definitions of vegetarianism. Which I wouldn't have to do if raw meat didn't make me ill. And sodium-laden restaurant meals didn't make me fat.

A basic Vegetarian lifestyle excludes meats (game, fish, shellfish, and poultry), eggs, dairy and honey.

I am becoming confused. I did not know that there were so many different sub-groups to vegetarianism.

Vegan - for only the extreme with moral conviction. According to real Vegans, I have no morals. I wear leather shoes. I own a leather jacket (although, in Texas, it has only been worn twice). I sleep on down pillows and under a down duvet. I own a piece of illegal ivory. There's an antler chandelier in the formal room. A bear rug lies in the foyer. I carry an alligator handbag. I wear a tortoise hairclip. Yes, a serious lack of morals. A Vegan diet overflows into their lifestyle - it excludes ALL animal products from their life.

Side note: eggs and dairy are TWO different food groups. An Egg-Laying Cow is not the NEW dairy! I know it is confusing! But just remember it this way - WHAT COW LAYS EGGS?

Moving on...

And for those who have to live with a small number of animal products (for consumption and/or materialism possession), we have:

(1) Semi-Vegetarianism includes the consumption of fish and poultry, eggs, and dairy. It excludes meat products.

(2) Lacto-Vegetarianism includes the consumption of dairy but NO eggs. And no meat, fish, or poultry.

(3) Ovo-Vegetarianism includes the consumption of eggs but NO dairy. And no meat, fish, or poultry.

(4) Lacto-Ovo Vegetarianism includes the consumption of eggs AND dairy. But no meat, fish or poultry.

(5) Pescetarianism includes the consumption of seafood. Pesco-vegetarianism is another name for Pescetarianism (Pesce -- derived from the latin word meaning 'fish') although true vegetarians do not like to use this term since it refers to "fish-eating mongers" and they do not want to be associated with those heathens. Pesces do not eat meat, poultry, eggs or dairy.

(6) Flexitarianism. This is a new one for me! I have never heard of it! And, honest, I did NOT make this up! The diet consists of primarily vegetarian foods but allows occasional exceptions.

(7) Sugaritarianism. See yesterday's post. This is my own candy-corn colored dream diet!

"Hi, I'm a Flexitarian. What's your -arianism?"

Eating Disorder at Eleven Months

Happy Eleven Months, Petra!

Your first eleven months have been extremely eventful. After all your laying around for the first four months, you have definitely made up for that idle time during the last seven months.

I am out of breath. I am tired. I am amused. I am confused. I am completely gray!

You have eaten the good stuff... ice cream, cookies, cake, chocolate... along with peas, corn, salmon, tilapia, chicken, carrots, potatoes (any form of spud). Your taste buds are delicate and you have tasted gourmet cuisine. (We even love watching Rachel Ray's mouth-watering creations together.)

So, my question to you, "why do I catch you shoveling handfuls of dirt, cat food and cat litter into your mouth?". You actually savor the taste. You are a daily food connoisseur of trash. I ask you, "how can ice cream possibly compare to dirt?" It is clearly not the same. It cannot even be in a similar delicacy category.

You eat plants, leaves, and sticks. You put every "floor morsel" you find into your mouth. I have pried balls, dolls, letters, plastics, pencils, paper, toilet paper, tissues, napkins, and cat toys from the insides of your cheeks.

Today, I found you fighting over a dead fly with your cat, Winter. Luckily, the cat won!

Tonight, Daddy wanted to know why you were making a funny sounding hiccup. I told him not to worry it was just the gallon of soapy bath water you ingested. Eventually, your suds-cups will cease.

I have witnessed your dislike of guacamole, waffles, pancakes, and broccoli -- it is spewed all over the floor. (We really need a dog for moments like this!) If you can toss delicious syrup-coated pancakes onto the floor, then you should be able to spit out the cat litter, too. How can cat litter taste better than waffles? I wish you had an explanation for me.

I recently paraded you in public donned in a newly purchased adorable smocked Anavini dress. Your cheeks and clothing were peppered with black spots. And, no, you had not been indulging in OREOS. An intruding fellow-shopper informed me how she put her dog bowls out of reach from her toddler. I smiled and announced that I don't even bother moving Petra away from the cat bowls any more ... my cats are happy, how unhealthy could those little kernels be anyhow?

Meanwhile I secretly pray and hope this peculiar eating disorder dissipates at some time during your second year. So, for a limited time only, I will accept your choice of desired food items - if you can accept my squandering your college fund on therapy for me.