Trial Thanksgiving Run

Turkeys are not my "thing" in cooking

They appear to be easy to cook

They appear to be low maintenance

But first, you have to clean out all that shit inside them

You have all seen your mothers do it

They reach inside and pull that crap out

Personally, after being an eyewitness

Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner is RUINED for me

My darling husband loves turkey

And after our First Thanksgiving together

in which I managed to turn into a BBQ

He is now the man in charge of cooking the turkey

On that lovely First Thanksgiving together

I pretended that I already cleaned out the turkey's innards

So I left it in

I couldn't bear to ruin his Thanksgiving too

Well I did anyway

When the fire department sent truck number 26

My mother never told me that innards could cause a fire

A big Fire in old appliances

We remodeled the kitchen during the Christmas holidays!

hide and seek

HONEY .....

a.  how to buy a new vacuum
b.  husband is bailing out of "his" chores
c.  husband is "underfoot"
d.  how to get funding for hiring a maid
e.  all of the above

Numero uno.dos.tres.

but who's counting on traditional gifts??  Candy?  Copper?  Wood?  Pottery?  Tin?  China? 

Happy Anniversary to ME (and hubby)!  Happy Anniversary to US!

"What number is this?"  inquired husband.

"I don't know, does it feel like a low number or a high number?"  responded wifey.  "Have these years gone by too quickly or a bit too slowly?"

"Very quickly," husband appropriately answers.  [bonus points for him!]

"Do you have any ITCHES [as in 7, 10 or 13 year]?  Or have you NOT had any time to get any outside ITCHES?"  wonders wifey-poo.

"What would I do with some outside Bitches?  I can't even keep my thumb on you!" stunned husband answered.

another year?

anniversaries are like birthdays... they keep coming.  even if you are single, anniversaries keep coming.  you know, three years since the divorce.  two years since last boyfriend.  one year since last romantic interlude (yes, code for ... you know).   and the anniversary traditional gift list should be for the married and the single.  because really, who wants what's on that list anyhow?  if you're single, you can buy yourself a gift - one that you actually want.  and if you're married, you can ... i don't know ... compromise!?!

First - paper
(I think this means:  GIVE ME SOME MONEY!!  I AM TIRED OF SHARING!)
[singletons:  GIVE ME SOME MONEY!!!  quite universal]

Second - cotton
(Is it GRANNY PANTY season already???  The honeymoon really is OVER!)
[singletons:  new clothes because i am sitting at the bar, listening to my favorite song on K13]

Third - leather
(Don't buy that WHIP!!!  I want a trip to Italy!)
[singletons:  leather pants, leather mini, leather thong... woo hoo!]

Fourth - fruit/flowers
(What's that?  a blossoming peach tree?)
[singletons:  yes, i'll buy my own damn flowers!]

Fifth - wood
(Honey, yes, I really do LOVE that 6 foot carved totem pole you created with all our heads!)
[singletons:  money - it does grow on trees!]

Sixth - candy
(Don't even think about it... but what it really means, I think, is to go somewhere that is like going to a candy store and that place is called NEW YORK CITY!)
[singletons:  yes, i can eat candy for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert without guilt!]

Seventh - copper
(Only if it cost a LOT of pennies ... like at least 100,000 pennies!)
[singletons:  MONEY]

Eighth - bronze
(that translates as a trip to Tahiti, honest, it is the best place to receive bronzed skin!)
[singletons:  fake and bake!]

Ninth - pottery
(time to replace the kitchen and its dishes/utensils ... because once you replace the dishes, you will need a new kitchen in which to 'house' your wares.)
[singletons:  piggy bank]

Tenth - tin
(no, we are not wisking away to OZ ... maybe they want us to drink more caffeine and alcohol!)
[singletons:  beer]

Eleventh - steel
(the steel doors to replace the wooden doors so that we can lock each other inside when their is an "ITCH" going on.)
[singletons:  Everclear!  steel:tin as everclear:beer]

Twelfth - silk
(self explanatory ... to cure the ITCH.)
[singletons:  SILK, lots of SILK - sheets, pillow cases, eye masks, robes, blankets, pajamas, boxers, thongs]

Thirteenth - lace
(self explanatory ... still curing the ITCH.  BUT I don't think men should don lace.)
[singletons:  fredericks or victoria's? red or black? alot or alittle?]

Fourteenth - ivory
(isn't that illegal?)
[singletons:  not white!]

Fifteenth - crystal
(isn't that illegal, too?  But I will take that trip to Barneys for new stemware)
[singletons:  scotch comes in crystal?]

Sixteenth to Nineteenth - ignored, not acknowledged, must be crises years.
[singletons:  not ignored - botox, restylane, lipo, tummy tuck]

Twentieth - china
(are we too old to travel to the far east?)
[singletons:  trade china and other valuables in for new sports car]

Twenty-first to Twenty-fourth - once again, ignored.  unaccounted for.
[singletons:  not ignored, adding to list - butt lift, more lipo, face lift, eye lift]

Twenty-fifth - silver
(there is a silver lining!)

Networkers

Don't you just hate meetings.   Don't you just hate meetings that waste your time.  your energy.  your listening skills.  your attention span.  your good mood.  your caffeine. 

"Good Morning, everyone.  And thank you for coming on this dreary fall day," says the meeting host.

"Before we get to the recording of minutes... we have some unofficial business to discuss."

"Who is available to host, volunteer, donate prizes, set-up, or clean-up for 'Casino Night'?" 

"I will.  Last year, it was such a drunk fest.  'So-n-So' hooked up with 'So-n-So's' brother." 

"No.  way.  I thought 'So-n-So' was with Mr. Y since he is the HOT new divorced dad on campus."

"He is?  What happened to Mrs. Y?  Didn't she just get back from Argentina with her newly plastic surgeried nose, eyes, buttocks, and chin?"

"She went back to Argentina ... to live with the doctor.  Mr. Y didn't waste time to go out 'lookin' - I heard he was tired of Mrs. Y and her 3 ex-husbands anyway." 

"Excuse me, what type of prizes are you requesting for the tables and the silent auction?"

"Last year, the top prize was two 50-yard line tickets to the Panthers.  And Mrs. R bid $3500.  But Mrs. L outbid her at $5600.  Apparently this wasn't about the Panthers.  It was about Mrs. R sleeping with Mr. L." 

"Mrs. L has been on a rampage... she sold Mr. L's car and bought herself a new Mercedes.  She even tried to put the house up for sale but she couldn't find the deed before Mr. L arrived home."

"Excuse me, when exactly is this 'Casino Night'?

"It's on Friday, November 20th.  Last year, it was held in February.  But we thought all of the parents should get together before February.  Mrs. B had put in a request for November because the end of the year is too late to start anything."

"Start what?" 

"Oh, Mrs. T, have some more coffee.  This really isn't about 'Casino Night'."

Coffee in an IV won't cure this.  Don't get me wrong, I love to discuss people I loathe.  Just not people I know nothing about!

Back to my project ...

I have been shopping NON-stop.  All day in stores.  All night on-line. 

I scored ANAVINI dresses at Boutique S.  Can you believe it?  ANAVINI easily cost $80 per dress.  [Husband if you are reading this, that is probably a typo, I know I said they only cost about $8 - but that was for one sleeve.] 

ANAVINI on sale.  ANAVINI at 75% off.  I bought a lot of ANAVINI today!  Baby P needs some pretty dresses to detract from her forehead gash and scar. 

SQUEAKY SHOES... LOVE THEM!  I bought pink size 6, brown size 7, black size 8 and white size 9.  When your toddler walks, the shoes SQUEAK!  LOVE THEM!  And Baby P will probably hate them by the time she gets to size 8.

LILY PULITZER for everyone in the house [minus hubby - pink and green are so NOT his colors].  Who can resist the preppy colors and fabrics of LILY?  It's like being on vacation all the time!  So many nights I just dream of the ocean... and then I get attacked by a shark [but it's really just the cat biting and pulling the skin between my knuckles!].

Don't forget the catalogs that arrive at 12:30 everyday.  Aaahhhh.  Should I order completely unnecessary winter gear from Lands End or LLBean?  Is there Free Shipping at Chasing Fireflies to offset their printed prices?  Need any home decor from Horchow?  Any birthday crap from Birthday Express?  Is that a 10% off at Posh Tots? 

I ordered printed Christmas Wrapping Paper.  Its implied monogram really says, "this cost money, rip open with care from the T family".  And monogrammed ribbon.  And personalized labels.  And personalized envelope seals.  And personalized toilet paper (not really, but if they had it - I may have considered it). 

Ahhh, euphoric shopping.  I have 77 days left until the start of my NO SHOPPING for ONE YEAR project begins!  That is 11 weeks.  NO, I am not going to continue to go crazy with more shopping.  I am just trying to finish my to-do list before I AM DENIED (by my own will) the process of shopping.  My husband is anxiously awaiting December 1st.

Dating Disclaimer

1. I NEVER said I was NICE [all the time].

2. I NEVER said I liked your family [ever].

3. I NEVER said I was RIGHT [it's usually implied].

4. I NEVER said I emulated 'June Cleaver' [where did that come from?] .

5. I NEVER said I didn't drink [before five o'clock].

It's all about the 'things that are never said'; don't assume, ASK!

Have I mentioned...

that we are building a home? Someday? Near future? Maybe? Ten years max? Who the heck knows? And who cares (you're thinking)?

The hold up: we cannot finalize decisions together. Hell, we cannot even agree on the most mundane issues when it comes to the house. Husband starts droning on about the number of windows, their energy rating, low-e and their placement. I counteroffer a suggestion of slate flooring. Husband rolls his eyes and demands to know (1.) IF I am serious; we're discussing windows! and (2.) What does flooring have to do with windows? Well, duh, flooring is kind of important... as is the size and style of the new refrigerator.

I swear, IF we can pull this off without a divorce, I will quit drinking (I promise!).

He rarely changes his mind. And, me, I change my mind by the hour. On a whim. On a fancy.

One or two staircases?
four or five car garage?
three or four or five bedrooms?
two or no bathrooms? (I DESPISE cleaning toilets! Can't we just go down the street to the gas station?)
third story?
stucco or brick?

ICF or bust? Only ICF (Insulated concrete forms... the perfect solution to going green and having a 5000 square foot home heated and cooled for under $100/month!)

Today we met with our 'very patient' architect. He likes me. He gets my humor. He gets my ideas. Yes, I want a slide from the 3rd floor to the outside patio into a pit of sand. AND if that deems impossible, inefficient, impractical, or expensive... then I'll agree to the firestation pole and I'll be happy. Except sliding down into the game room doesn't sound like too much fun!

After three long, debilitating hours with the 'perfect' architect - I smiled with satisfaction as he reworked our plans for the ninth time this summer. And he even added the elevator I insisted I might need in old age. After all, I am of 'maternally advanced' age.

"I HOPE YOU AND THE ARCHITECT WILL BE VERY HAPPY WITH 'OUR' HOUSE!" declares 'out-numbered/out-voted' husband.

XM55

I don't watch tv. I only appear on the computer once daily. I don't listen to the radio. It is a very quiet house ... except for the children. I often get the question, "What DO you do? A couple of answers come to mind, but the most innocent ...

I drink.

I pretend I am on a secluded beach with lots of sunshine, sand, and beach music. I make fruit smoothies for breakfast at seven every morning... the healthy kind... strawberries, bananas, plain yogurt, and ice (and 'Malibu Rum' after I remove the appropriate amount for the children). Children should not be weaned on rum. Well, on second thought, milk and rum ... in the bottles? Perhaps worth considering.

Really, 'Malibu Rum' isn't like drinking at all. Can't even taste it! Can't even feel it! But it is a wonderful 'mood enhancer' ... all beachy and coconuty.

My latest plead is for an xm radio. Inside. Not the car. I don't spend enough time driving during the summer. So, inside. I want to be able to listen to radio margaritaville all day. I am begging.

Husband: "What do you need that for?"
Me: "just think, all day, margaritaville indoors - you would have one helluva happy wife!"
Husband: "you're already happy... and why is that?"
Me: "true..."
Husband: "besides, turn on the stereo... all five are already and always filled with Buffett CDs anyway."
Me: "true..."
Husband: "plus, the car... not only do you have all five stations programmed to XM55, but every CD is Buffett!"
Me: "inside satellite radio would be so convenient"
Husband: "for what?"
Me: "obviously, probably NOT getting an indoor radio."

So I can be found, post-smooth-smoothies, sitting in my car for the rest of the day!

'UM all day long!

The no-see-ums have invaded my home. The no-see-ums have taken over every resident's brain except mine. The no-see-ums are here all day long! The no-see-ums are flippin' annoying!

"Mom, where are my flip flops?"

"Um, where you left them?"

"I don't see um."

"Stand in front of your closet, look at the third shelf, look in the third shelf, and look at your flip flops."

"I don't see um. Can you come and find um?"

"First, open your eyes really wide and then look. IF you still can't see them, let me know."

"I don't see um."

I stomp all the way to the closet and pull the flip flops off the third shelf. "UGH!"

"Honey, do you know where my sunglasses are?"

"Yes, where you left them."

"I don't see um."

(Surprise I mutter.) "Go into the kitchen, open the first drawer on the right, look in the first drawer on the right, and pick up your sunglasses."

"I don't see um."

(Oh, for the love of God.) "Look carefully, they are there."

"I don't see um."

I stomp into the kitchen and lift the sunglasses out of the first drawer on the right. "HERE!"

"Mom, where are my markers?" "Honey, where are my pliers?" ... and it goes on and on.

"MOM ..." "HONEY, ..." "MOOOOMMMMM ...." "HONNNNEEEEEY, ..."

Oh, I am sorry I have the NO-HEAR-UMS!!!
(And the other resident, I believe she has the no-taste-ums.)