BOO!

hAppY hAllOwEEn!!

Have a spooky fun-filled evening of tricking and treating!

she's gone country

like twenty years ago.  to be exact.  before country was IN.  before country was cool.  [small disclaimer to the world of country: i do wish to declare that there has never been anything remotely cool about women's wranglers.] 

i went country in tokyo.  as in japan, the country.  every afternoon, armed air force radio was on - for two hours.  at first the two hours were extremely long.  then they got shorter.  armed air force radio was the ONLY english radio station aired.  its reception was finicky.  unpredictable.  highly anticipated.  yet, why country in tokyo?  why not hip hop? or oldies (have you been to harajuku)?

i began to listen at noon because i craved hearing the english language from english speaking natives.  and calling america, just to hear english, every day was getting a bit expensive.  especially to those of you to whom i called collect.  oops. 

i first realized i went country when:

*i was singing along
*i knew the lyrics
*i was humming a song (that was ultimately stuck in my head) and i hadn't forgotten the tune
*i went to karaoke and requested "achy breaky heart"
*i learned to line dance at the western saloon in tokyo  
*i had plans to move to tennessee or texas upon my return to the states and country music was the only reason for this move

i was walking down sakuragaoka street, heading to the train station and realized my head was singing john anderson's "straight tequila night".  it is my first memory of placing a country song with an event.  not a monumental event.  but definitely an event.  K13 became my favorite song.  I still play it in juke boxes wherever I may be.  K13 is not always my favorite song... like it's the beastie boys at the red cow.  or it's some rap song at flannagans.  or it's some new age tune at the cellar.

Top Ten List of Helpful Hints

1.  DO IT YOURSELF

2.  I'M SORRY, I MUST BE GOING

3.  DON'T BOTHER ME

4.  I'M BUSY

5.  I CAN'T HEAR YOU

6.  ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

7.  I'M NOT A HOUSEWIFE, I'M A STAY-AT-HOME MOM

8.  I'M CLEARLY NOT INTERESTED

9.  NO SUGAR-COATING IN THIS HOUSE

10.  I HEAR YOU, I'M JUST IGNORING YOU

This Top Ten List of Helpful Hints DO Help IF you follow them precisely and accurately.  Any one of the ten helpful hints can be used in response to any of your questions.  Please feel free to select the appropriate hint as a response to your assanine question.  Have a nice day!

clockwork orange

big round orange gourds are lots of fun this time of year! 

the best place in north texas for pumpkin viewing is at the "flower mound pumpkin patch".  not only are there lots of pumpkins, but there are bouncy houses, obstacle courses, climbing structures, wagons, hay rides, and loads of picnic tables for picnic-ing!   http://www.flowermoundpumpkinpatch.com/

a great family outing

sixty.two.days

1/6 of a year.  8 weeks and six days.  1493 hours. 

Christmas is coming!  Santa is coming!  The Griswolds are coming! 

Halloween is not even over and the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa decor have hit the store aisles. 

Must start making lists.  Must start thinking about gifts.  Must start making more to-do lists.  UGH.  double UGH UGH.

The children have their lists already started (frankly, since the 26th of December 2008).  And this is a few of their minor requests after much contemplation and collaboration of three little minds:

* piano (since our family is totally ungifted/untalented/unmusical in this area)
* pony (a real live hairy stinky carrot-eating gigantic-dunging mammal)
* hermit crab (only if a pony is out of stock and undeliverable) - with its shell painted pink with green polkadots!
* puppy (preferably not stuffed)
* an art room (because it should not be located in the play room)
* a slide and heater for the pool (so we can swim year round)
* a home school (so we don't have to go to school)

What ever happened to simple gifts from the heart?  Homemade paper dolls?  Handmade skirts?  Hand knitted slippers?  Hand painted boxes?

What ever happened to easy simple gifts of Barbie, Little People, Legos, and Blocks?   The wee ones do get an A+++ for creativity.  I just hope they aren't too disappointed!

Wednesdays at Walmart = FUN

ONLY because I arrived at WalMart at 7am.  Yes, in the morning!  I finally got BINGO at 8:29am! 

Thank you to the last WalMart patron! 

Unfortunately for me... I actually knew the BEARDED WOMAN. 

So, yes, confession time, I pretended that I didn't see you.  Yes, YOU.  And YES, it was ME.  AND Yes again, I purposely dropped my grocery bag and spent an inordinate amount of time picking up my private (now public) products. 

You see, you are one HAIRY FUNdamentally ILL woman growing a FUNdass FUNgus.  And YES, I was avoiding you.  Because EVERY time I meet your acquaintance, I have to hear how GREAT you are.  It's rather ANNOYING!  Deeply annoying.  I'd rather have my toenails removed.  

Do you exploit your latest surgery for awe?  for envy?  for jealousy?

Is it to feel secure by letting people think you have money?? 

Is it to gain compliments?  Like anyone is going to say, "Wow, what a waste of twenty grand!"  "Did it work?"  or "I can't tell the difference!" 

Your gasbagging SCREAMS "LOSER"!  Please STOP!

cheatersrus.com

I never ask you where your goin',

I never ask you where you've been

I've never called and checked your story,

When you stayed out with all your freinds

I've never tried to catch you lyin',

You see, because I found your cheatin' ass on cheatersrus.com

THIS is the greatest website since canned beer!  You can find a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a date, a spouse, a significant other, a partner, or a whatever here. 

All cheaters are registered  by their exes. {Their victims, their family, or their friends.} 

This is the perfect website for those of us who don't want a real relationship.  Nor a real committment.  Nor a real hassle.  Nor a real situation.  This website is also great for other "cheaters" because you know that the other "cheater" doesn't want anything REAL either!!!!

You log on to cheatersrus.   You browse the profiles like on match.com.  You select a mate.  You contact that mate.  Although that mate has NO IDEA how you found him or her.   (PS So you better have an excellent story and reason to be calling/emailing/texting.) And VOILA, you have yourself a bonafide CHEATER!  How great is that! 

SURPRISE, EX Boyfriend #3 ... I found your bald ass on cheatersrus.com

PS This is a fictional website and short story

From Mommy's Mouth?

SUPER PAPER STORE A has opened their doors to the PUBLIC!  ME!  ME!  ME!  The paper store is moving office/work space and I get to SHOP their MOVING SALE!  ME! 

I don't have to drive 20 minutes to buy invitations/thank you cards/labels/stationary/cards!  I don't have to dread going into the RETAIL store and buying ONE INVITATION at $2.20!   I have the opportunity to buy the whole damn box for $3.00. 

THANK YOU SUPER PAPER STORE A!

So, on my THIRD visit in 30 hours... I took the oldest daughter... the one with the most opinions.  The most stubborn one.  I wanted to make sure she selected her OWN invitations.  I didn't want to hear any complaining regarding her upcoming festivities. 

Oldest opinionated daughter selected a few more boxes of invitations... ones that I had overlooked.  Like the pizza/coke invitation in case we have a "Chuck E. Cheese" party for number three.  Or the "Maracas" for the Cinco de Mayo party we could have.  Or the "Giraffes" for the Zoo party we could have. 

As we loaded yet another bag of invitations into the car, I hesitated and thought about going back inside... I announced to stubborn daughter, "Do you think we should get the Camo/Dog Tag invitations - just in case"? 

Daughter studies my face and quietly says, "dammit!  I knew we should have bought those, too!"

I looked at her.  Obviously with SURPRISE!  My eyes dilated.  My mouth corners turned up (I couldn't help it).  And she announces...

"MOM, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD STOP TEACHING ME THOSE WORDS... I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO USE THEM.  AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO USE THEM IF YOU DIDN'T TEACH ME THEM!!!" 

no.school.no.mail.no.money.

Happy Columbus Day!

Thank God somebody discovered America so we could have another HOLIDAY! 

Oh, what to do today:

1.  visit a pumpkin patch?

2.  stay home?

3.  go to the park?

4.  stay home and pull weeds?

5.  schedule a play date?

6.  stay home and sleep?

7.  celebrate Columbus Day?

8.  stay home and hide?

9.  eat corn, tortillas, and popcorn?

10.  stay home and clean?

Check out:  www.enchantedlearning.com/crafts/columbus for FUN stay-at-home activities!

fundraisers?

we received a fundraiser in the mail from school A. 

tacky wrapping paper.
tacky greeting cards.

Dear 'school A' parents:

Please find enclosed are the Fall Fundraiser items. 
Each family is required to sell $50 worth of fundraising items. 
The enclosed four rolls of wrapping paper and five greeting cards are equal to the $50 minimum. 
If you sell more fundraising items, please fill out the enclosed order form. 
The items will be delivered in four weeks. 
All monies are due next week.  Thank you for your support. 
Happy Selling!
from The Crappy Wrappy Place

What am I going to do with this shit?  I totally cannot sell it.  It's ugly.  It's embarrassing.  Plus all our friends have children at the same school and why would they want to buy more ugly shit?  Again, what am I going to do with this ugly crap?  Seriously, can I wrap gifts in this? 

I would gladly donate $50.  With no strings attached.  With no ugly shit in exchange.  With no cost to the school.  What is the mark-up on this stuff, anyway??  UGH!!! 

HINT:  "SCHOOL A", JUST ASK FOR 50 BUCKS!  WE'D ALL GIVE IT! 

why my husband doesn't take me out...

Last night, we went out to our favorite "guacamole" restaurant (Translation:  Mexican Food Restaurant).  We were seated in a quiet, dark corner (must be the multiple under 2 baby entourage) - far, far away from other patrons.  In fact, it may have been a special room for "families" ONLY.   Or for our family, ONLY.

The waiter proceeded to offer the specials.  Offer chips.  Salsa.  Iced water. 

The waiter returns to take our order. 

Fajitas for one daddy.  Small fajitas for one child.  Enchiladas for another child.  Rice and beans for the last child.  My turn:

"I'd like the personal-size, thin crust, vegetarian pizza -- cut into six slices instead of four.  Oh, with extra olives and cheese." 

Daddy buries his head in the remaining large menu.

Waiter stammers.  Waiter hesitates.  Waiter's speechless. 

I never got my pizza!

sabbatical is over...

I always take time off during my 'hand' anniversary to reflect on life and gratitude. 
There are so many things to be grateful for! 

1.   LASIK
2.   Breast Augmentation
3.   Tummy Tuck
4.   Slim Fast
5.   Prosthetics
6.   Single doctors
7.   Meds
8.   Bed rest
9.   Doctor's note
10. Sympathy

And on this day, we can also be reminded of the woes of David Letterman and Kate Gosselin.  Can losing  fingers compare to blackmail?  or to a messy divorce?

thirteen.years.it.has.been

i.lost.ONE.finger.or.TWO
definitely ONE.  definitely the use of TWO.

it was not the best day of my life.
october.3.1996

i had a cut that resembled a papercut.  not open.  not deep.  not threatening. until I came in contact with a person with strep throat.  the strep infection invaded my cut via coughing or sneezing.  it became staph infection.  THE FLESH-EATING BACTERIA.  GANGRENE.

for those of you who know:  you can skip this post.

for those of you who don't know: 

1.  WASH YOUR HANDS
2.  NEVER KISS A "BOO-BOO", EVER!  (KISS NEXT TO IT, AROUND IT, ABOVE IT, BELOW IT... NEVER EVER ON IT!)
3.  NEVER PUT YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH AFTER A PAPERCUT OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF CUT!
4.  PUT ON A BAND-AID.  YES, EVEN ON A PAPERCUT!

6 months in and out of the hospital. 
365 daily visits to a hand surgeon. 
10 hand surgeries.
4 long years of constant doctor monitoring.
40 prescriptions for pain pills.
1200 codeine tablets.  (not for sale)
1 prosthetic.
4 doctors. 
1 special doctor who saved my life and my hand.
1,000,000 dollars, at least.
1 conclusion: disability.
1 future possibility: more amputation.

THANK YOU, DR. BOB!  AND 'NURSES' CARLA AND DEBBIE!  You're my heroes!

happy.october.first

today is the official day that i will allow the girls to start wearing 'halloween' themed clothing and accessories.

school begins so early (like july) here... that by august end, they wanted to start in on the halloween stuff.

so, girls, it's finally here...

HALLOWEEN SEASON

(as the little ones call it!)