how to avoid the flu

In order to avoid the flu...


*  Eat right!   Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

*  Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.


*  Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.  Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.


*  Wash your hands often.   If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

*  Get lots of fresh air.  Open doors & windows whenever possible.


*  Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


*  Get plenty of rest.

OR


Take the doctor's approach.


Think about it...


When you go for a flu shot, what do they do first?


They clean your arm with alcohol...


Why?


Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.


So...


I walk to the pub.  (exercise)


I put lime in my vodka.  (fruit)


Celery in my Bloody Mary.  (veggies)


Drink outdoors on the patio.  (fresh air)


Tell rude jokes and laugh.  (eliminate stress)


Then I pass out.  (rest)


The way I see it...


If you keep your alcohol levels up,


flu germs can't get you!

As my grandmother always said,


'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

time flies like an arrow

fruit flies like a banana.

Spring is the beginning.  The beginning of bug season, that is.  Bugs, bugs, bugs.  UGH.

Naturally, we see bugs all year long.  But spring introduces our yard to some bugs we have never seen before.  I love new things... but those things do not really include 'bugs'. 

Unless, it is the lovely ladybug.

And as for the bugs, I really do not have enough time in my day to scream in terror, run, figure out a way to remove the bug from the home after cats deposit said bug next to my foot, try, struggle, remove, sigh!!

paraprosdokian.21-28.

21.  I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.



22.  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

23.  I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.


24.  You're never too old to learn something stupid.


25.  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


26.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


27.  A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.


28.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

paraprosdokian.16-20.

paraprosdokian.  paraprosdokian.  paraprosdokian.  i. love. that. word.

16.  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but checks when you say the paint is wet?

17.  Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?


18.  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


19.  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


20.  Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

the bunny was here

1.  Create with eggstra eggs

2.  Attend one or more egg hunts.

3.  Check out the egg loot.

And ... wear Easter dresses.

Hippity Hoppity

EASTER is HERE!

Have a Happy Hoppy Easter!

paraprosdokian.11-15.

11.  Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.



12.  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.


13.  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.


14.  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".


15.  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


So, are you asking yourself "what is a paraprosdokian?"???

Paraprosdokian is the use of words at the end of a phrase or sentence that change the apparent initial meaning.


I just love paraprosdokians.
I just really love saying the word "paraprosdokian"!!

paraprosdokian.6-10.

6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.



7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8.  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


9.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.


10.  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

paraprosdokian.1-5.

1.  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some really good ideas!

2.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.  Amen.

 3.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.


4.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
(*** I have to remember this one)


5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

for the love of...

NUMBERS.

One of 90,000.

To be exact.

Spring storms in the south are alarming.  Loud.  And usually without warning.  So recently we have had one or three.  Who's counting??

I just happened to be apart of the large number of households without electricity.  One of 90,000.  Apparently, my neighborhood is last on the list for reinstalling electricity probably due to the large number of old people living here.  Electric companies are under the impression that while the elderly are sleeping, they don't even miss the electricity.

But since I am awake every three hours for one reason or another... I kind of missed the electricity. 

No lights.  No refrigerator.  No phones.  No tv. 

12 HOURS.

Again, who's counting? 

Well, me. 

In a three car garage, two stalls have safety releases.  Guess which one I was parked in?  That's right.  The one without a safety release.  Literally, we were stuck inside.  Without air.  Thought I was going to hyperventilate. 

And guess which day this just happened to occur on?  That's right.  The day the man of the house was working 12,000 miles from home racking up some frequent flier mileage. 

And guess what the children were fed for breakfast? 

Yesterday was just another Happy Monday! 

Here's to a Terrific Tuesday!

for the love of ...

EMOTIONS!

Emoticons are the perfect addition to writing - texting - emailing;  especially when one may find it difficult to decipher sarcasm, humor, anger, etc...  So I am thankful for the creator of Emoticons.

The most popular being smiles and frowns... but I believe there is a greater need for more emotion!

: ) smile

: ( frown

Variations of those smiles and frowns:

: ~ )

: ~ (

and

: + )

: + (

but I am loving these assicons!!!  Assicons are here!!!

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

( ! ) a tight ass

(_*_) an asshole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_)  money coming out his/her ass

(_?_) a dumb ass; a stupid ass

(_......_) draggin' ass

What kind of ass are you???

Happy Monday!

for the love of...

SPRING.

Spring is here.  Put all that winter bitterness behind. 

Go out and embrace the fresh air.  The gentle breeze.  The pollen giving headaches. 

Embrace, people, Embrace.

What I have always wondered about... (and maybe you have, too.)

The cubicle yards that exist in the south.  Well, at least, here.  Every yard is adorned with a high wooden fence (with all this wood, we have the biggest termites in the world!) whether your lot is .10, .21, .33, or .56 acres.  There is an ugly wooden fence. 

They say the south is friendly. 

But how can they be if they don't even want to be your neighbor?

You could go years without ever seeing a neighbor especially if you only use the backdoor. 

Or do the cubicles define your land ownership?  God help you if you cross over the line.  I believe that is where the cubicle introduction entered the south.  Somebody crossed the line!  Probably to borrow some sugar!  Or somebody else's sugar.  (If you know what I mean!)

Regardless of the ugly cublicle yards, I still love SPRING. 

for the love of...

SOMETHING. 

I am sure there is something out there. 

Driving home from school yesterday, I was in my typical 'chauffeur' seat and listening to the chatter coming from behind.  And thanking God that it wasn't banter or hitting. 

My oldest was recapping her day.  Hour by Hour.  And then we began to discuss her reading for the week; the vocabulary, story, setting, characters, etc. 

She admitted that their were some difficult words in the story and the bad ones were to be skipped/ignored.

"What bad words?" I ask.

"Ones that I cannot say," she reminds me.

"Like what?" I push.

"Do you emby?" she says.

"Do I envy?" I repeat.

"No, do you emby?" she repeats.

"Do I what?" I wonder.

"Do you M.B.?" she repeats again.

"Do I M.B.?  What is that?" I ask.

"You know!" she exclaims.

"No, I don't know M.B.  What is it?  What does it mean?" I want to know.

{ M.B. = mother board?  mother b***h? mother bastard? mister bastard?  mrs. b***h? What the hell is M.B.????  She said it was a bad word!}

"Mommmmmm......" she is clearly more exasperated than me.

"What?  I don't understand what this M.B. word is!" I retort.

This time she said more slowly and more enunciated, "D - U - M- B"!!!

Holy frickin' SOUTHERN ACCENTS!  

for the love of...

SLEEPING!

I may have mentioned a time or two that I am sleep deprived. 

Not to be confused with insomnia.

What baby expert, doctor citing, mommy handbook advisor

said "TO SLEEP WHEN BABY SLEEPS"?

Because, frankly, they are delusional.

Actually, my first adjective was "full of shit". 

What am I missing?

Do they have a nanny, maid, and another mommy living with them?

I will sleep in 2029.

Not that I am counting.

Nor am I wishing.

I am just stating the OCD obvious.

Alexandra really does have a crib.  A place to sleep.

It's just that some days are entirely on the go...

that she just falls asleep as soon as we return home.

Wish I could do that!

OCD = obsessive compulsive disorder

for the love of...

TUESDAY.

Yep, that's right, people.  It is Tuesday. 

Usually, my weekends begin on Mondays at 8:30am.  It is the day that I am on my own for about 5 hours.  5 glorious hours.

My wish is that today is boring.  No excitement.  Because yesterday continued to worsen.  If that is even possible?

At 4pm, I was given an information sheet to complete so that I could drive on an upcoming field trip.  That fieldtrip being today. 

So I am filling out the form.  Blah. Blah. Blah.
Name/Address.   CHECK.
Auto Insurance.   CHECK.
Driver's License.  CHECK.

Oh, shit.  It's expired.  EXPIRED.  How did that happen?  I did not receive my friendly little reminder in the mail to inform me of my license expiring on my last birthday.  Where's my friendly reminder???  What?  There's no flippin' reminder in Texas?  You are just supposed to remember that in six years your license is going to expire?  I cannot even remember next week, let alone six years!!!

Well, in Michigan, where I come from... we received reminders.  {PS:  TXDOT and my husband pointed out that who cares what they used to do in Michigan.  Perhaps, Michigan has changed their little friendly reminder procedure!  Well, they didn't have to be rude about it -- I was just letting them know that I didn't receive my reminder.} 

The Department of Transportation office was closed.  Of course.  But some random mom that I started to dish my 'woe is me' story to suggested I try the transportation website. 

Saved by the internet. 

In Texas, you can renew online.  Even if it is expired. 

After my seventh "In Michigan..." speech, my husband politely interrupted:

"I don't care about what Michigan did, because you clearly cannot follow directions anyway.  With or without a reminder.  As I recall, before you even got your Texas license -- you had an expired Michigan license BY NINE YEARS.  They had put you in the "DECEASED FILE".  And your plates were expired BY TEN YEARS.  Please, just try to remember when your new license expires."

for the love of...

MONDAY.

My day began at 12:16 am.  That's right.  I just couldn't wait to start the week so I started Monday a bit on the early side.  I should clarify, not by choice. 

My middle little woke up vomiting.  Yup, that's right.  Vomiting. 

The good news is that it isn't flu related.  Nor cold related.  Nor virus related.  Whew!

Her illness is garlic-related.

"Poison Control, can I help you?"
"Oh, yes, please.  My daughter drank and ate an excessive amount of garlic."
"Ma'am, can you repeat that please?"
"M y   d a u g h t e r   d r a n k   a n d   a t e   a n   e x c e s s i v e   a m o u n t   o f   g a r l i c."  I repeat.
"Garlic?"
"Yes, G-A-R-L-I-C."
No response.  So I continued...
"She drank an entire large bowl of what could be called "garlic soup".   So that garlic was cooked.  But she also ate several cloves of garlic while we were gardening."
"Raw garlic?"
"Yes, I plant garlic bulbs next to my freshly planted flowers and vegetables.  It keeps the bugs away.  Apparently bugs do NOT like garlic like we do."
"I need to put you on hold."
"Hold?  What for, I need to know what to do?"
"For garlic poisoning?"
"Yes, for garlic poisoning.  You see, her vomit smells horrible!  She smells horrible.  I can smell her on the other side of the house.  I cannot even hear the phone ring from the other side of the house, but I can smell her.  She SMELLS bad!!!"
---- ON HOLD ----
"Well, garlic is not toxic."
"So, she doesn't have some Toxic Garlic Syndrome?"
"Garlic is really quite healthy in moderate dosages."
"We love garlic here, so what do you consider moderate?"
"One clove at the most -- for each person."
"Well, she must have had 8 or 9 raw bulbs and who knows how much when it was cooked?"
"Like I said, moderation.  All she will have is a very upset stomach.  Please try to give her bland foods over the next 24 hours.  No spices.  No sugar.  Nothing but plain rice.  Or plain potatoes.  PLAIN foods."
"Yes, bland foods, got it.  So, she is okay?  I don't need to take her into the ER to have the rest of her stomach pumped?"
"No."

Back to bed with a very smelly garlicky child.  The garlic is oozing out of her pores. 

By 8:00am, middle little has had three showers.  The first shower was at 12:31 am.  And she still stinks.  But, she's clean!

At 8:03am, the phone rings.  It is the pediatrician. 

"Garlic poisoning?" Dr. S bursts out laughing.
"Well, better safe than sorry."  I suggest.
"The poison control has to report the phone call with us.  In case I need to see your daughter for a follow up visit."
"I think we are doing okay.  She just smells soooo bad.  Can I bathe her in tomato juice like you would if you got skunk spray on you?"
"You can try it.   But it will just take time.  Remember, bland foods."
"Yes, I am glad it was just garlic and not lysol."
"Have a great week.  And call us if you need anything."

Off to school...
"Oh, my!" exclaims the teacher.
"Oh, yes, I should warn you that my middle little has an undesirable odor today.  She ate a lot of garlic yesterday.  And, well, now today... she just smells really horrible."
"Well, well, well..."  speechless teacher responds.

HAPPY MONDAY TO ALL!

time

Eight months old.  Next week.

2028 is her high school graduation year.  And I only know this because I am always counting, making lists, and procrastinating due to my OCD capabilities.  However, my OCD seems to worsen in my foggy state.

I am cherishing my days.  No matter how sleep deprived.  And even if I occasionally call my husband by the name of John.  Which is clearly not his name.  Nor his middle name.  Nor is it even the name of an ex.  It is just a name.  I can claim temporary insanity. 

My little "little" is teething.  For six months now.  And this past week has been the absolute worst.  baddest.  horrendousliest.  You name it and it was it.  She screams.  And there is nothing I can do short of rubbing whiskey on her gums.  So, sleep is something I am currently not familiar with.  Truly, I see no end in sight. 

Please God grant me the serenity to maintain my sanity, hourly.

And the ability to remember what day it is.  And make lunches.

And Please God help me to remember my husband's given name!

And the ... awww, hell ... A-f-n-MEN.

ps  no children were given whiskey although you may have been rubbed down with whiskey if you were an infant in the 60s!

what would you do?

Because I apparently have way too much free time on Wednesdays.

My friend and I met for coffee.  We needed some girl time, big girl time.  So we grabbed a table outside and sipped our over-caffeinated beverages. 

Our discussion turned to plastic surgery.  (Obviously it is still on my mind.  A lot.)  Would you do it?  That was the main question.  So, to answer honestly.  Or dishonestly.  That is the real question!

"I would never do that."
"I am going to age gracefully, oh, and naturally."
"I would never pay for that."
"I don't want to be like all the other plastic over-30 mommies."
"Can you believe that women are starting on the plastic road at 30?"

... and the statements vary from one responder to the next.  What staged answer should I use? 

So, for fun, we pull up some local websites that offer "mommy makeovers".  Have you heard of this new marketing trend?  A full makeover (and I am not talking blush and eyeshadow at the Lancome counter) costs upward of $15,000.  Tummy tuck, chin enhancer, lipo, breast lift, butt lift, fillers (cheeks, chin), upper arms, etc... 

(I say the trend is new, but in reality, it is just new to me.  Because everyone has already ventured down that road.  I am always the last to jump on board.  Remember, my house was one of the last to get high-speed internet?!)

We were laughing at the BEFORE and AFTER photos on X's website.  It is really unfortunate when the photographs of BEFORE are very similar to the AFTER.  Or if the BEFORE is more attractive than the AFTER. 

So laughing.  And laughing.

Until my friend lets out this terrifying SCREAM.  A real SCREAM.  And I laughed until I saw that she was serious about the scream.

"Shit, I cannot believe this," friend says.

"What?  That photograph isn't that scary,"  I respond.

"No, not that," friend has a hard time explaining.

"Huh?" I wait for an explanation.

"That one, that one there, that is my sister," friend sputters out.

"Nooooo!"  I digest her words.  "Really?" 

"Yes, that's my sister.  She never said anything.  She never ....  Shit,"  friend cannot finish.

"She is ___________," friend threatened.  (Although I don't really recall the exact words she used because it was like she was speaking in tongues.  Certainly not words my brain could comprehend.) 

"Well, if she was trying to keep her new body a secret then she shouldn't have given the X clinic permission to advertise her before/after."

Needless to say, coffee big girl time was interrupted and cut short.  I departed to return home.  And friend went to confront sister.  Sure wish I could have gone with her.  I couldn't make this shit up... I really wanted to know what happened next. 

there are some things in life

... that make me think that I really want to have more little ones in the home.  The baby stuff that exists today is so fantastic.  So fun.  So non-birth-controlling!

Start wiring children for their college destination while they are in the crib! 

Hell, Baby Einstein did it with "Listen to Mozart and your child will be an amazing genius!"  (by the way, if you have any of those DVDs collecting dust in your home -- you can send them back for a full refund because chances are your child didn't become a genius by the age of 3.)



Plays the MSU fight song!  I love it!




the perfect pacifier



Start your college savings

Awwww!



Every girl needs a cheerleader outfit.  And boy, if needed.



Would totally push Nebraska... look at these adorable Cornhuskers!!

And adorable Aggie dogs!

And... whose mascot is this?  Is it Old Miss?  Tennessee?  I don't know, but I think these old men are kind of cute!!

I sure would like to decorate with these cute university items.  Can I justify a "Mascot Mobile" for my 8 year old?  Or too small university booties for my almost 3 year old? 

Actually, I probably can justify buying these cuties!  The children won't know that not every teenager doesn't have a Cornhusker Mobile in their bedroom ... because I will avoid "play dates" for the next ten years. 

Actually, I can justify buying any item.  Just ask my poor hubby.  Because I have an ongoing very long list of answers for ANY question he might toss in my direction. 

"Why exactly do the girls need Mascot Mobiles at their ages?" asks hubby.
"Well, you said we should begin introducing the children to different universities/colleges at a young age?" I reply with one answer from "the list".
"But did you really need to buy 25 Mascot Mobiles?" whines hubby.
"I couldn't decide which university to push, so I thought that with 25 Mascot Mobiles, they would have a good selection!" I diplomatically counter.
"But these are Mascot Mobiles, how are they going to help in deciding which university to attend?" questions hubby.
"Whatever Mascot Mobile they like the best, DUH!"  I proclaim.
"Huh?" ponders hubby.
"We are females!  Haven't I taught you anything about how the XX chromosomally proud make their decisions a.k.a. the 'cuteness factor' effect!?"  I announce.

in my opinion...

I have a GREAT IDEA !

I was visiting my dentist, not really visiting, but attending an appointment for cleaning.  I inherited my husband's dentist when we married... and I really feel at home in the office. 

I arrive early for the coffee and cookies. 

I stay late to socialize with the hygenists.

And that is when it hit me!  My brilliant idea!

"Dr. M, I think hiring an aesthetician would be a fantastic business move,"  I proposed.

"What?"

"Well, I feel that your business would multiply with more female patients.  Because you can only sell whitening trays once.  That is the real cost and the gel is negligible.  What you need is more frequent appointments and visits from type-A moms like me."

"I don't understand."

"Hiring an aesthetician to perform beauty treatments is what this office needs.  You buy the meds.  And the tech 'installs' them."

Silence ...

"You see, I NEED BOTOX!  BOTOX, do you hear what I am saying???  BOTOX!  I can HIDE the purchase of Botox from my husband IF you sell it here.  Husband would not think twice about a charge at XYZ DENTAL but he would question my outrageous charge at ABC MEDSPA.  Husband would just think that all that diet coke has finally rotted my teeth and a couple of root canals are happening."  

Continued silence (somehow I don't think that is a good sign)...

I continue, "BOTOX while we wait.  A little teeth cleaning, a little plaque removal, and a little wrinkle filler.  It's a total Win-Win.  Well, for me anyway."

Dr. M never did respond.  But since I visit in 178 more days... I will just suggest my brilliant idea again and again... until he suggests that I transfer to a new dentist. 

What I have learned about Botox:

It is sold by the unit.  A unit.  I am not quite sure how much a unit is but I am gambling that it is just one of those itsy bitsy teeny tiny lines on an injection syringe. 

A decent price is $10/unit.

A common price is $15/unit.

So, I called ABC Medspa and I asked.  Yes, I did.  I just want to become educated in the line of anti-aging beauty treatments.  Not that I would ever have a self-elected injection but it is nice to be able to chat about it with all the other liposucked, tummytucked, botoxed mommies. 

Let's start with the forehead using the decent on-sale price.  The entire wrinkly forehead takes 40 units to fill.  $400 to freeze the forehead and keep your eyebrows from lifting!  Wow!

The eyes.  Crowsfeet or laugh lines.  Whatever name you would like to label those wrinkles.  One eyes takes 20 units.  Do the math:  $200. 

The good news is that I can afford one eye.  How odd would I look walking around with one perfectly filled eye and one perfectly wrinkled eye?   A perfect pirate.  Or a perfect permanent wink!

I forgot to ask the most important question:  how long does the injection last?  Forever is a very good wish. 

May your days too be filled with thoughts of botox.  And your wrinkles be less noticeable.

Eight more weeks

There are only eight more weeks of school for the 2010-2011 school year. 

The days are long but the years are short. 

I am not sure where the entire school year went.  All I know is that I have been in a fog since my little "little" was born on the first day of school. 

The year has gone something like this:

Lost uniform jumper.  Not sure how that happened nor am I sure why it was removed in public??

Ruined uniform sweater.  One thread unraveled into a ball of yarn.

Lost shoes.  In the home or outside of the home?  That is the question.  And how?

Forgotten lunches.  Actually they were never made.

Eaten homework.  This is accurate.  Baby likes paper.  So do cats.

Tardiness.  The keys were missing.  Among other lame excuses.

Laundry.  In a lot of little piles all over the house.  

Clean laundry.  In a lot of little piles all over the house -- may be confused with the dirty piles?!

Meals.  Pretending to have "backwards days" so that we can have 'Cheerios' for dinner (sans guilt).

Chaos.  Always.

Broken things.  Frequently.

Smiles.  Always.

Laughter.  Priceless. 

Sooooo.....

APRIL FOOLS !!

PS:  MY HOUSE IS NOT FOR SALE.

GO AWAY.

what next?

It has been a long time, really long time... and we cannot make a decisive decision.

About moving, that is.

Why?

Who knows?

So I just went and listed our house for sale.

This way, I reckon and reason, we will have to make a decision.

The best part...

It's a surprise, SHHHHHHHHHH! 

Don't tell hubby or children.