the derivational suffix

(Although this is an English lesson, due to the excessive use of ONE word ... this is rated PG-18 ... only for those who are eighteen and older ... and for those who do not easily pass judgement!)

The word of the month. A root word. A suffix. The word tends to flow freely from my lips as if i am reciting a beloved poem. It rolls off sweetly as if i am whispering the words "I Love You". Clearly, it just comes spewing from my mouth. I believe I was weaned on the word.

Ass. Not as in a body part (noun): bum, bottom, rear, behind, butt. Not as in a long-eared mammal. Yet, as in reference to a person (noun) or that person's action (verb).

My dictionary containing the profanity root word ass and its appropriate derivational suffix:

-ise; to make. assise. to make an ass. Please do not assise yourself in public.

-est; the most. assest. the most ass. Drunk friend C was the assest at happy hour.

-less; without. assless. without ass. Refering to one's junk in the trunk, "I'm not assless".

-ment; result, act of. assment. act of assing. The assment was inappropriate in public.

-ness; state of. assness. state of being an ass. Shopper lady's assness was unnecessary!

-ful; full of. assful. full of ass. What an assful one-sided conversation!

-ly; like. assly. like an ass. Another assly pick-up line!

-ify; to make. assify. to make an ass. See -ise: Please do not assify yourself in public.

-ism; belief, manner. assism. a belief in ass. Realism or assism, is it a fine line?

-ist; doer, dealer. assist. to be an ass. The ass- ist was busy pontificating.

-al; pertaining to, relating to. assal. to pertain to the ass. The assal's refusal was annoying.

-ology; study, science, theory. assology. the study of ass. The available online courses are biology, chemistry and assology.

-ity; state of, quality. assity. the quality of ass. His personality and assity is showing!

-hood; order, quality. asshood. the order of asses. This brotherhood of asshood is going to the dogs.

My dictionary using ass as the derivational suffix (without a precise definition, but all listeners understand its meaning): the most common verbiage heard in today's language. These derogatory words should only be used in the privacy of one's car, known as "car words". These car word expletives are necessary for keeping oneself sane. And once outside of the car, the smoke rises and all niceness returns to the tip of one's tongue.

dumb-ass, jack-ass, stupid-ass, freak-ass, lazy-ass, jerk-ass, crazy-ass, loser-ass, smart-ass, pompous-ass, skinny-ass, fat-ass, and insert-your-own-word + ass.

Word Kill

Coffee. Check.
Free time. Check.

Every morning, friend B logs onto the computer and begins her daily Internet ritual. First stop, mail. Inbox. And there waiting to be opened is her favorite email. The email that will fulfill her inferiority complex. The email that delusionally sets her upon a superiority stool. The email that ultimately makes her looks like an ass.

The "Word of the Day". The "Word of the Day" is interesting because it states, defines, and pronounces the new word. Unfortunately, however, it does not inform friend B how to correctly use this new word.

In the next twenty-four hours, friend B will use the "Word of the Day" as often as possible. Regardless of the current conversation and its context. Regardless of anything except the word that has been temporarily imprinted into her cerebrum. The WORD clouds out all reason and rationale. Friend B can only concentrate on THE word!

Six of us are gathered and we are currently discussing the political climate in D.C. Friend B interjects, "Based on my ERUDITION, remember, I am an English Major, blah, blah, blah!"

We stare at friend B, stunned into silence. Once again, we continue debating the last one-hundred days of the new president. Ten minutes later, friend B exclaims, "The ERUDITION I received at Kalamazoo College - now worth one-hundred thousand dollars - gives me the authority to be an expert on president B, blah, blah, blah!"

I cringe. Nobody speaks. I ponder erudition (extensive knowledge acquired chiefly from books). "Era-dee-shun" as friend B enunciates the "D" as if she lives in Spain. UGH! Friend B needs a "Webster" intervention.

Husband of friend B, speak up! She is torturing my ears. I cannot take this blatant word-kill. Friend B-husband has previously tried to curtail his wife's word obsession. But he is reprimanded and scolded with the overused "I AM AN ENGLISH MAJOR!"

Friend B has a desire to appear to be THE smartest person in the room. And in reality, SHE is the smartest dumbass in the room!

Spots decoded

An itchy rash can be any number of self-diagnosed diseases.

An allergy to a laundry detergent. A bad reaction to sitting in a fire ant hill. A light case of sunburn/sun poisoning. An amazing reaction to 'catching' fleas from a beloved cat. A furious and drunk mosquito. A contagious unidentified rash. A non-contagious identified rash.

We are attending a party and we are inviting our trunk rash. Trunk rash is the perfect guest. It is hidden with appropriate clothing. It is silent. It is congenial. It is unassuming. It is proper. It is well-mannered. It does not overindulge. It does not overintoxicate.

Too bad all of our guests cannot be the perfect rash!

PS: It is the chicken pox
PPS: If you attended party A, then you may discover your own rash within 9-12 business days.

Fly the Sober Skies

American, Delta, United, Northwest (which is now considered Delta), and Continental ... All airlines who claim to fly the friendly skies.

The post 9-11 craze and subsequent economic crisis has caused the airlines to cut costs. Cut the meals and snacks. Cut the travel opportunities. Cut the award miles. Cut the award redemption program. Cut the peanuts. Cut the quantity of flights from DFW to LA (two per day instead of the hourly departure).

BUT DO NOT CUT THE ALCOHOL!

Take out the friendly and we fly the bitter-blue skies.

Business and First Class continue to imbibe in the skies. But what about the rest of us stuck in "Third Class"?

And thank you airlines for calling our class "COACH"!

Yes, we know we have to pay $7.00 to imbibe on the high. But remember, we are in THIRD Class. If we could afford FIRST or SECOND (business), then we would be sitting in the FREE alcohol seats. If we are in THIRD, then it is safe to say that $7.00 beers are a luxury. (That equals seven beers during happy hour at Reno's. Slugging seven in an hour is definitely a luxury and a talent.)

But what about Mommies?

Mommies (with children in tow) should be greeted with a beer at check-in. A glass of wine at the gate. Another beer once seated. And another glass of wine upon take-off.

Happy Mommies make Happy Babies!

Yes, mommies should be exempt from this alcohol rule! Mommies should imbibe to survive!

HORN BROKEN

FINGER WORKS (bumper sticker of the day!)

Roofer for Hire

Middleman service companies are everywhere. The middleman becomes an entrepreneur and serves as the salesperson, estimator, contract employer, and customer service. But how qualified is the middleman?

Entrepreneur: creates and sets up a business under his/her name. "Joe Schmoe's Roofing"
(Nice, catchy name)

Salesperson: "We are the best roofing business in town. We have very competitive rates. We can complete the job within two days. We are superior."
(He could sell a sandpit to a tree frog!)

Estimator: "To replace this roof, you are looking at $9,450 dollars. The existing old shingles will be removed and hauled away. New shingles will be laid."
(As a client, don't you want to know the break down for the large sum given? Where did this number come from? I believe Joe Schmoe pulled it out of his ass."

"Since your current shingles are asphalt, call your insurance company adjuster to inquire about a claim."
OR
"Since your current shingles are wooden, your insurance company will not allow any claims. The insurance companies allowed claims about fifteen years ago if you removed your existing wood shingles and replaced them with asphalt or metal."

Contract Employer: "After you sign the 'contract', I will schedule a time/date and send over a crew to begin the deshingling."
(Translation: I need to call my brothers, cousins, nephews, uncles, brother-in-laws, friends, neighbors, and friends-of-friends and BEG them to help me. I will pay them $100 dollars per day. Whether it is a five hour or an eleven hour day, it is still $100 dollars. I will do NO work. I need to be available to answer the phone. I need to be available to screw people over for a living.)

Customer Service: "Thank you for your business. Good-bye!"

Do you know what your middleman's ROOF looks like?

Disposable vs. Cloth

Every parenting, mommy, family magazine in circulation has an ongoing debate regarding diapers: disposable vs. cloth. A similar ongoing debate occurs among the mommy mafia for feeding: bottle vs. breastfed.

For diapering, why don't the articles cover the real, everyday, life part of it? How do you clean a cloth diaper? How do you properly dispose of disposables? Will the messy cloth contaminate other clothes items if laundered together? Will the disposables call maggots to your trash bin? UGH! Real Life PLEASE! I can conclude which diaper is GREENER. I can conclude which diaper is EASIER. But I am asking for REALITY!

I am trying to decide which one is better for my lifestyle. And today it is CLOTH.

I poke baby three times. Baby is wrestling to stand up and run. Baby cannot remove cloth diaper (unlike disposable) on her own.

One hour later, Oops! Baby mess. UGH!!

Change baby. Two more pin pokes in her hips. Once again, baby is wriggling herself free and on the verge of running.

Dirty cloth diaper goes to the girls' bathroom toilet to be rinsed. Diaper takes a break and sits in the toilet bowl while diaper-cleaner is wrangling baby into the playroom. Big sister is playing in her room. Diaper-cleaner quickly loads the dryer. Diaper-cleaner returns to bathroom to rinse diaper and load into the washing machine.

Where is the diaper? I know dirty diaper cannot go too far. And I definitely know that nobody (other than me) will TOUCH dirty diaper.

I look in the bowl, behind the bowl, next to the bowl, behind diaper genie, behind wastebasket, under bath mat, in bathtub, behind shower curtain, and in the bowl (again).

The toilet starts gurgling. The pipe connected to the wall is shaking. The toilet water is now rising very quickly. The toilet water is overflowing. There is sewer water backing up into the bathtub.

"Hey," I shout. "Who just used the bathroom?"
"Hey," the echo shouts back. "Who just left a diaper in the toilet?"

Of course, nobody did it! So, how did that cloth diaper just get flushed down into the kingdom of sewerness?

UGH! And some other four-letter words shouting inside my head. This is just the beginning of my day. It surely cannot turn any worse. Or maybe...

Cats spy a constant supply of water gurgling up from the bathtub drain. Cats jump in and start to drink before I can get them outside.

UGH! Cats vomit!

It is only 8:13 in the morning! Is my debate solved?

I need a drink (or three) ... but only after Mr. Roto-Rooter saves the day! Maybe, Mr. Roto-Rooter will drink with me! After all, he is a man in uniform. And... yes, a man in uniform, indeed!

It's Rough Being A Baby...

I want to be a cat (says the wise one)!

Cry. Point. Clap. Cry. Whine. Mess. Laugh. Smile. Cry. Cry. Grunt. Utter. Cry. Laugh. Smile. Sleep. Mess. Cry. Tantrum. Smile. Laugh. Cry. Yuck! Walk. Cry. Cry. Fall. Laugh. Smile. Cry. Crawl. Eat. Smile. Laugh. Mess. Cry. Cry. Smile. Sleep.

Sleep. Eat. Sleep. Sleep. Eat. Chase. Sleep. Eat. Eat. Sleep. Mess. Sleep. Run. Eat. Eat. Pounce. Sleep. Creep. Eat. Climb. Eat. Eat. Sleep.

Who wants to be the "mommy"?

Wake. Caffeinate. Smile. Type. Clean. Cook. Make. Wash. Change. Clean. Carry. Wash. Rinse. Dry. Play. Hydrate. Wipe. Change. Create. Spin. Pull. Push. Wax. Vacuum. Cry. Caffeinate. Hydrate. Smile. Nibble. Cook. Clean. Clean. Wash. Rinse. Dry. Hydrate. Caffeinate. Hallucinate. Smile. Smile. Cook. Clean. Mail. Sweep. Ignore. Answer. Wash. Rinse. Dry. Spin. Play. Wipe. Change. Smile. Watch. Clean. Wash. Rinse. Dry. Laugh. Pull. Play. Tote. Lug. Drag. Nag. Nag. Nag. Wipe. Hydrate. Caffeinate. Smile. Talk. Chat. Listen. Pickup. Clean. Clear. Laugh. Sign. Fix. Write. Read. Peruse. Nag. Nag. Smile. Hydrate. Wash. Rinse. Dry. Smile. Hydrate. Sleep. Snore. Wake. Sleep. Snore. Sleep. Wake. Sleep. Snore. Sleep. Wake.

It's A Jungle Out Here!

First Birthday: Jungle Party Theme.

* Jungle invitations
* Monkey envelope stickers
* Jungle thank you notes
* A variety of animal print helium-filled balloons
* Giant monkey mylar balloon
* Zebra-striped table linens
* Monkey favor bags tied with zebra print ribbon
* Zebra whistles
* Elephant bubbles
* Giraffe inflatable balls
* Lion masks
* Elephant, monkey, giraffe, lion lollipops
* Lion shaped gummies
* Assorted jungle animal plates and napkins
* Monkey sippy cups

Favorite cake lady (of six years) has been commissioned to create the cake. Must give every detail to cake lady -- must be very specific. No detail left uncovered. Or you may be in for a surprise!

"One large JUNGLE cake, please!" I order. I offer a Jungle invitation as an example. The invitation is accepted and noted.

"Jungle?" asks surprised cake lady. "Not a princess, or a ONE, or bears, or Hello Kitty party?"

"Yes, a jungle with monkeys, zebras, elephants, giraffes, vines, trees. Perhaps, a toucan. But definitely a JUNGLE!"

"OK!" disgruntled cake lady agrees with a huge sigh. (I suppose we have differing opinions on what a little girl's first birthday party should be!) "Cake will be ready for pick-up at 10:00 am."
1. Pick up cake. Look at cake. Thumbs up. It looks great. Pay for cake. In a big hurry. Brows furrow. Mind is churning.

2. Drive to party destination. It is at a park ... somewhat similar to a jungle setting, just add lots of monkey children!

3. Set up party. Place cake on table. Remove cake from box. Admire. Study. Admire. Question. Admire. Utterly Confused!

The JUNGLE cake looks great, nicely decorated and smells of intoxicating delicious sugar.

But, tell me, WHAT JUNGLE on this PLANET HAS PONIES ???

Cake Lady has placed little plastic ponies all over my jungle. Like a farm. Cute... elephant, pony, monkey, pony, zebra, pony, pony, toucan, pony. UGH! I should have ordered the Princess cake!

Compost or Bust!

We compost. Not the fancy-schmancy kind of composting. We did not purchase an expensive compost bin or dirt or worms.

We compost naturally. Organically. Greenly.

We dug a hole in our garden and began throwing in peels from fruits and vegetables. Only!

If you build it, worms will come. The worms are extremely FAT. And no expenses were incurred.

If you build it, bugs will come. And other creatures.

Every morning, Victoria and I go outside looking for clues. Usually the cantaloupe rinds are twenty feet away from the compost pile. The apple cores are missing. The celery stalks have also disappeared. The potato ends remain (creature does not like raw potatoes).

We do know that it is not our cats. The cats prefer the good stuff. Not garbage food. And, Victoria deduced that it cannot be a rat family -- unless it is an extremely large rat. I am hoping it is not a rat family!

Last night, as we were cleaning up the backyard, the cats became very quiet and slowly started to creep toward the garden. We also stood frozen in our tracks for no real reason - just following the cats.

The mystery is solved!

We discovered the animal that is living under our deck and feeding off the compost pile... a cute, lonely, 'possum named Spunky!

Closed-Caption

I use this feature on my television. A friend, who happens to be hearing-impaired, introduced me to this wonderful feature. I, on the other hand, am NOT hearing impaired. Unless, of course, you consider IGNORING a problem.

I am addicted to this feature.

In fact, I am so addicted that I literally cannot hear the dialog on television unless I am reading it. Enable my CC!

Luckily, my husband does not watch television. I believe my CC quirk (among others) would give him ample opportunity to lecture me on the benefits of NO TV.

Luckily, daughter number one does not seem to notice the big white words on the screen. She does not see them (hopefully, she does not need to be fitted for eyeglasses). She is accustomed to my habit and the words belong on each show. And that is why we NEVER watch television at another person's home. I do NOT want her to realize that TVs generally do not have words.

And daughter number two is being weaned on big white words.

I laugh before the laugh track. I know the ending before the scene is complete. I know the answer before the contestant on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire".

I love my Closed-Caption.

Unfortunately, my CC habit drives my mother insane. She is insisting that I have my hearing checked! (But maybe I don't want to hear everything!)

The Egg-laying Cow

I find myself in the midst of deciphering definitions of vegetarianism. Which I wouldn't have to do if raw meat didn't make me ill. And sodium-laden restaurant meals didn't make me fat.

A basic Vegetarian lifestyle excludes meats (game, fish, shellfish, and poultry), eggs, dairy and honey.

I am becoming confused. I did not know that there were so many different sub-groups to vegetarianism.

Vegan - for only the extreme with moral conviction. According to real Vegans, I have no morals. I wear leather shoes. I own a leather jacket (although, in Texas, it has only been worn twice). I sleep on down pillows and under a down duvet. I own a piece of illegal ivory. There's an antler chandelier in the formal room. A bear rug lies in the foyer. I carry an alligator handbag. I wear a tortoise hairclip. Yes, a serious lack of morals. A Vegan diet overflows into their lifestyle - it excludes ALL animal products from their life.

Side note: eggs and dairy are TWO different food groups. An Egg-Laying Cow is not the NEW dairy! I know it is confusing! But just remember it this way - WHAT COW LAYS EGGS?

Moving on...

And for those who have to live with a small number of animal products (for consumption and/or materialism possession), we have:

(1) Semi-Vegetarianism includes the consumption of fish and poultry, eggs, and dairy. It excludes meat products.

(2) Lacto-Vegetarianism includes the consumption of dairy but NO eggs. And no meat, fish, or poultry.

(3) Ovo-Vegetarianism includes the consumption of eggs but NO dairy. And no meat, fish, or poultry.

(4) Lacto-Ovo Vegetarianism includes the consumption of eggs AND dairy. But no meat, fish or poultry.

(5) Pescetarianism includes the consumption of seafood. Pesco-vegetarianism is another name for Pescetarianism (Pesce -- derived from the latin word meaning 'fish') although true vegetarians do not like to use this term since it refers to "fish-eating mongers" and they do not want to be associated with those heathens. Pesces do not eat meat, poultry, eggs or dairy.

(6) Flexitarianism. This is a new one for me! I have never heard of it! And, honest, I did NOT make this up! The diet consists of primarily vegetarian foods but allows occasional exceptions.

(7) Sugaritarianism. See yesterday's post. This is my own candy-corn colored dream diet!

"Hi, I'm a Flexitarian. What's your -arianism?"