why my husband doesn't take me out...

Last night, we went out to our favorite "guacamole" restaurant (Translation:  Mexican Food Restaurant).  We were seated in a quiet, dark corner (must be the multiple under 2 baby entourage) - far, far away from other patrons.  In fact, it may have been a special room for "families" ONLY.   Or for our family, ONLY.

The waiter proceeded to offer the specials.  Offer chips.  Salsa.  Iced water. 

The waiter returns to take our order. 

Fajitas for one daddy.  Small fajitas for one child.  Enchiladas for another child.  Rice and beans for the last child.  My turn:

"I'd like the personal-size, thin crust, vegetarian pizza -- cut into six slices instead of four.  Oh, with extra olives and cheese." 

Daddy buries his head in the remaining large menu.

Waiter stammers.  Waiter hesitates.  Waiter's speechless. 

I never got my pizza!

sabbatical is over...

I always take time off during my 'hand' anniversary to reflect on life and gratitude. 
There are so many things to be grateful for! 

1.   LASIK
2.   Breast Augmentation
3.   Tummy Tuck
4.   Slim Fast
5.   Prosthetics
6.   Single doctors
7.   Meds
8.   Bed rest
9.   Doctor's note
10. Sympathy

And on this day, we can also be reminded of the woes of David Letterman and Kate Gosselin.  Can losing  fingers compare to blackmail?  or to a messy divorce?

thirteen.years.it.has.been

i.lost.ONE.finger.or.TWO
definitely ONE.  definitely the use of TWO.

it was not the best day of my life.
october.3.1996

i had a cut that resembled a papercut.  not open.  not deep.  not threatening. until I came in contact with a person with strep throat.  the strep infection invaded my cut via coughing or sneezing.  it became staph infection.  THE FLESH-EATING BACTERIA.  GANGRENE.

for those of you who know:  you can skip this post.

for those of you who don't know: 

1.  WASH YOUR HANDS
2.  NEVER KISS A "BOO-BOO", EVER!  (KISS NEXT TO IT, AROUND IT, ABOVE IT, BELOW IT... NEVER EVER ON IT!)
3.  NEVER PUT YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH AFTER A PAPERCUT OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF CUT!
4.  PUT ON A BAND-AID.  YES, EVEN ON A PAPERCUT!

6 months in and out of the hospital. 
365 daily visits to a hand surgeon. 
10 hand surgeries.
4 long years of constant doctor monitoring.
40 prescriptions for pain pills.
1200 codeine tablets.  (not for sale)
1 prosthetic.
4 doctors. 
1 special doctor who saved my life and my hand.
1,000,000 dollars, at least.
1 conclusion: disability.
1 future possibility: more amputation.

THANK YOU, DR. BOB!  AND 'NURSES' CARLA AND DEBBIE!  You're my heroes!

happy.october.first

today is the official day that i will allow the girls to start wearing 'halloween' themed clothing and accessories.

school begins so early (like july) here... that by august end, they wanted to start in on the halloween stuff.

so, girls, it's finally here...

HALLOWEEN SEASON

(as the little ones call it!)

i.love.to.clean

This is the way we clean the house, clean the house, clean the house

This is the way we clean the house

At THREE in the morning

This is the way we sweep the crap, sweep the crap, sweep the crap

This is the way we sweep the crap

Deep in the corner

This is the way we wash a dish, wash a dish, wash a dish

This is the way we wash a dish

Big doggy lickins

This is the way we iron a shirt, iron a shirt, iron a shirt

This is the way we iron a shirt

Flattened under a mattress

This is the way we make the bed, make the bed, make the bed

This is the way we make the bed

Guess we didn't do it

This is the way we make a meal, make a meal, make a meal

This is the way we make a meal

Out of a box

This is the way we polish the table, polish the table, polish the table

This is the way we polish the table

Spit Shine and Wipe

This is the way we sanitize, sanitize, sanitize

This is the way we sanitize

Who's toothbrush's in the toilet

This is the way we mop the floor, mop the floor, mop the floor

This is the way we mop the floor

Just spill your water

This is the way we start the day, start the day, start the day

This is the way we start the day

With coffee and kahlua

This is the way we end the day, end the day, end the day

This is the way we end the day

Sloppy and sloshy

There is a season... It's Soccer Season!

To everything - run, run, run

There is a game - run, run, run

And a time for a soccer purpose under heaven

A time to be fast, a time to slow

A time to kick, a time to dribble

A time to kill, a time to live

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - run, run, run

There is a game - run, run, run

And a time for a soccer purpose under heaven

A time to stand tall, a time to fall down

A time to score, a time to scorn

A time to elbow away opponents

A time to gather the team together

To everything - run, run, run

There is a game - run, run, run

And a time for a soccer purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace

A time of love, a time of hate

A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from heckling

To everything - run, run, run

There is a game - run, run, run

And a time for a soccer purpose under heaven

A time to score, no time to lose

A time to head, a time to butt

A time to push, a time too great

A time to defeat, I swear it's not too late!

Woo Hoo!  May the BEST team WIN!   Go Girls!

i.love.to.drink

                 Some mornings I find myself just eating the coffee beans; pre-grind stage. 

                And on other mornings, I find myself queued up at Starbucks or The Beanery or The Noble Bean

                or any place that sells coffee [to go]. 

              Tall.  Black.  Colombian.  Extra Caffeine. 

              My order is always the same. 

Gremlins...

There is some sort of Gremlin in my blog...
He's from photobucket and I don't know what he is doing...
Enjoy the ugliness for a while...
Blogger is trying to fix it!

Have a great weekend.

for the next fifty years....

Said husband resides with us... in between work, travel, and more work... so he is not home a whole lot.  But we have a very BIG dog and he bites.  and growls.  and chews.  and spits. 

Fortunate said husband recently had a day off ... no work, no travel, no projects ... in the downpour.  So he spent the day inside surrounded by extra X chromosomes, moods, tempers, and hormones. 

Daughters 1 and 2 and mommy start speaking in their deaf voices.  Husband is a bit bewildered and asked, "What did you say?" 

Daughter 1 perfectly responded, "huts her hunch?"   Daughter 2 laughed and added, "huh [gutteral sound]? hime her hunch." 

Perplexed husband is not pleased NOR humored.

Mommy guffawed and stated, "hood her hunch!"

Husband left the room.  He returned to announce, "AND I can easily go the next fifty years without ever hearing those voices again!"

So, mommy and daughters 1, 2 and 3 started conversing in Japanese.  

Numero uno.dos.tres.

but who's counting on traditional gifts??  Candy?  Copper?  Wood?  Pottery?  Tin?  China? 

Happy Anniversary to ME (and hubby)!  Happy Anniversary to US!

"What number is this?"  inquired husband.

"I don't know, does it feel like a low number or a high number?"  responded wifey.  "Have these years gone by too quickly or a bit too slowly?"

"Very quickly," husband appropriately answers.  [bonus points for him!]

"Do you have any ITCHES [as in 7, 10 or 13 year]?  Or have you NOT had any time to get any outside ITCHES?"  wonders wifey-poo.

"What would I do with some outside Bitches?  I can't even keep my thumb on you!" stunned husband answered.

another year?

anniversaries are like birthdays... they keep coming.  even if you are single, anniversaries keep coming.  you know, three years since the divorce.  two years since last boyfriend.  one year since last romantic interlude (yes, code for ... you know).   and the anniversary traditional gift list should be for the married and the single.  because really, who wants what's on that list anyhow?  if you're single, you can buy yourself a gift - one that you actually want.  and if you're married, you can ... i don't know ... compromise!?!

First - paper
(I think this means:  GIVE ME SOME MONEY!!  I AM TIRED OF SHARING!)
[singletons:  GIVE ME SOME MONEY!!!  quite universal]

Second - cotton
(Is it GRANNY PANTY season already???  The honeymoon really is OVER!)
[singletons:  new clothes because i am sitting at the bar, listening to my favorite song on K13]

Third - leather
(Don't buy that WHIP!!!  I want a trip to Italy!)
[singletons:  leather pants, leather mini, leather thong... woo hoo!]

Fourth - fruit/flowers
(What's that?  a blossoming peach tree?)
[singletons:  yes, i'll buy my own damn flowers!]

Fifth - wood
(Honey, yes, I really do LOVE that 6 foot carved totem pole you created with all our heads!)
[singletons:  money - it does grow on trees!]

Sixth - candy
(Don't even think about it... but what it really means, I think, is to go somewhere that is like going to a candy store and that place is called NEW YORK CITY!)
[singletons:  yes, i can eat candy for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert without guilt!]

Seventh - copper
(Only if it cost a LOT of pennies ... like at least 100,000 pennies!)
[singletons:  MONEY]

Eighth - bronze
(that translates as a trip to Tahiti, honest, it is the best place to receive bronzed skin!)
[singletons:  fake and bake!]

Ninth - pottery
(time to replace the kitchen and its dishes/utensils ... because once you replace the dishes, you will need a new kitchen in which to 'house' your wares.)
[singletons:  piggy bank]

Tenth - tin
(no, we are not wisking away to OZ ... maybe they want us to drink more caffeine and alcohol!)
[singletons:  beer]

Eleventh - steel
(the steel doors to replace the wooden doors so that we can lock each other inside when their is an "ITCH" going on.)
[singletons:  Everclear!  steel:tin as everclear:beer]

Twelfth - silk
(self explanatory ... to cure the ITCH.)
[singletons:  SILK, lots of SILK - sheets, pillow cases, eye masks, robes, blankets, pajamas, boxers, thongs]

Thirteenth - lace
(self explanatory ... still curing the ITCH.  BUT I don't think men should don lace.)
[singletons:  fredericks or victoria's? red or black? alot or alittle?]

Fourteenth - ivory
(isn't that illegal?)
[singletons:  not white!]

Fifteenth - crystal
(isn't that illegal, too?  But I will take that trip to Barneys for new stemware)
[singletons:  scotch comes in crystal?]

Sixteenth to Nineteenth - ignored, not acknowledged, must be crises years.
[singletons:  not ignored - botox, restylane, lipo, tummy tuck]

Twentieth - china
(are we too old to travel to the far east?)
[singletons:  trade china and other valuables in for new sports car]

Twenty-first to Twenty-fourth - once again, ignored.  unaccounted for.
[singletons:  not ignored, adding to list - butt lift, more lipo, face lift, eye lift]

Twenty-fifth - silver
(there is a silver lining!)

Networkers

Don't you just hate meetings.   Don't you just hate meetings that waste your time.  your energy.  your listening skills.  your attention span.  your good mood.  your caffeine. 

"Good Morning, everyone.  And thank you for coming on this dreary fall day," says the meeting host.

"Before we get to the recording of minutes... we have some unofficial business to discuss."

"Who is available to host, volunteer, donate prizes, set-up, or clean-up for 'Casino Night'?" 

"I will.  Last year, it was such a drunk fest.  'So-n-So' hooked up with 'So-n-So's' brother." 

"No.  way.  I thought 'So-n-So' was with Mr. Y since he is the HOT new divorced dad on campus."

"He is?  What happened to Mrs. Y?  Didn't she just get back from Argentina with her newly plastic surgeried nose, eyes, buttocks, and chin?"

"She went back to Argentina ... to live with the doctor.  Mr. Y didn't waste time to go out 'lookin' - I heard he was tired of Mrs. Y and her 3 ex-husbands anyway." 

"Excuse me, what type of prizes are you requesting for the tables and the silent auction?"

"Last year, the top prize was two 50-yard line tickets to the Panthers.  And Mrs. R bid $3500.  But Mrs. L outbid her at $5600.  Apparently this wasn't about the Panthers.  It was about Mrs. R sleeping with Mr. L." 

"Mrs. L has been on a rampage... she sold Mr. L's car and bought herself a new Mercedes.  She even tried to put the house up for sale but she couldn't find the deed before Mr. L arrived home."

"Excuse me, when exactly is this 'Casino Night'?

"It's on Friday, November 20th.  Last year, it was held in February.  But we thought all of the parents should get together before February.  Mrs. B had put in a request for November because the end of the year is too late to start anything."

"Start what?" 

"Oh, Mrs. T, have some more coffee.  This really isn't about 'Casino Night'."

Coffee in an IV won't cure this.  Don't get me wrong, I love to discuss people I loathe.  Just not people I know nothing about!