Thursday, July 17, 2008

400 Channels to Boot

Recently, as in five days or 120 hours ago, I finally entered the world of cyberspace. I have high speed Internet. I believe I may have been the last one in my city to upgrade to this fast world of 'anything at my fingertip' universe.

Within the past three months, my modem hiccuped during an electrical storm and blew. Twice! I was cruising up to the library to use their computers to check email. Well, it would take me the entire reserved fifteen minutes to DELETE all my junk mail. In a month, I received 572 junk emails and only eighteen real emails from real people. My LIFE has got to change.

I would receive fliers in the mail advertising their high speed Internet services. But all this did was confuse me and keep me from making a decision. I have been planning on upgrading to DSL or Fiber Optics or something other than dial-up for about five years now.

Consumer Reports does NOT cover this problem for me!!!

So, after the last blown modem... I made a decision. I called company #1 and hung-up more confused than before.

I called company #2 and decided that their prices were clearly from another planet (I just want to connect and view an email without having to log-on at 5:00am to view a photo that a friend sent).

Finally, company #3 helped convince me that they indeed had just the 'speed' I needed. AND, this is a big AND, they had a FREE month of TV.

Flashback: we bought our first TV two and a half years ago. It is a real regular TV. Not too big, not too small. Not even a plasma TV. Just a TV box with a flat screen. On a good day, we get five channels: Fox, NBC, ABC, CBS and PBS. Sometimes, we get them all at the same time if the wind is blowing in the right direction. And sometimes, we get just two channels.

I decided to go with company #3. The tech came out to our house and installed the computer and TV line. We opted for the most expensive package since it was FREE. We have 400 or more channels. I can watch anything at anytime.

I have had my ass glued to the couch for 120 hours. I eat, sleep, direct and delegate from the far right side of the couch. If I have to take a 'potty' break, I can pause my TV and not miss a thing. This is amazing. I had no idea that this type of TV service existed. Yes, I guess I do live under a rock. In fact, I think I have gained seven pounds in these five days. My widening couch potato ass is justified because of the 'hotter 'n' hell' sun that is torching outside.

I haven't quite got this whole remote thing figured out yet. It will probably take the entire thirty days to do that. Hell, I haven't even figured out the original TV remote that accompanies the TV or the DVD/VCR machine or the Camcorder or my cellphone or the DVD in my car or the headphones or the options for driver one (since I am going to be completely honest when it comes to my lack of technology)... I haven't taken the time to figure any of it out.

In 120 hours, I have watched chick movies: "The Holiday", "Nurse Betty", "Home for the Holidays", "Because I said So", "Home Alone 2", "Incredibles", "Scooby Doo2", "Legally Blond", and "Must Love Dogs". I have watched the SOAP channel -- to catch up on twenty years of missed soap opportunity. I have watched cooking shows just to learn how to pronounce some newly popularized food items.

I have 25 more days to discover more channels.

I have only 25 more days to completely and thoroughly ROT my brain.

I will explore the Internet when my TV opportunity expires! Right now I have to go and watch the highly advertised Oxygen channel. The one I have read about in O Magazine.

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