feeling groovy

Well, today I am actually feeling skinny.  Because that is going to end really soon:  just ordered 5 to 10 more pounds of fat, lard, cellulite, and mid-drift rolls.  In the form of sofa-ass.  It arrives lumpy.  It stays frumpy. 

UVERSE.

giving it another shot.  really tired of barney.  And only twenty five days of FUN till my shopping experiment begins. 

UVERSE will keep me out of stores!
UVERSE will keep me on the couch!
UVERSE will keep its thumb on me!
UVERSE will be my babysitter, my monitor!

Thank God for UVERSE!

Closed-Caption

I use this feature on my television. A friend, who happens to be hearing-impaired, introduced me to this wonderful feature. I, on the other hand, am NOT hearing impaired. Unless, of course, you consider IGNORING a problem.

I am addicted to this feature.

In fact, I am so addicted that I literally cannot hear the dialog on television unless I am reading it. Enable my CC!

Luckily, my husband does not watch television. I believe my CC quirk (among others) would give him ample opportunity to lecture me on the benefits of NO TV.

Luckily, daughter number one does not seem to notice the big white words on the screen. She does not see them (hopefully, she does not need to be fitted for eyeglasses). She is accustomed to my habit and the words belong on each show. And that is why we NEVER watch television at another person's home. I do NOT want her to realize that TVs generally do not have words.

And daughter number two is being weaned on big white words.

I laugh before the laugh track. I know the ending before the scene is complete. I know the answer before the contestant on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire".

I love my Closed-Caption.

Unfortunately, my CC habit drives my mother insane. She is insisting that I have my hearing checked! (But maybe I don't want to hear everything!)

400 Channels to Boot

Recently, as in five days or 120 hours ago, I finally entered the world of cyberspace. I have high speed Internet. I believe I may have been the last one in my city to upgrade to this fast world of 'anything at my fingertip' universe.

Within the past three months, my modem hiccuped during an electrical storm and blew. Twice! I was cruising up to the library to use their computers to check email. Well, it would take me the entire reserved fifteen minutes to DELETE all my junk mail. In a month, I received 572 junk emails and only eighteen real emails from real people. My LIFE has got to change.

I would receive fliers in the mail advertising their high speed Internet services. But all this did was confuse me and keep me from making a decision. I have been planning on upgrading to DSL or Fiber Optics or something other than dial-up for about five years now.

Consumer Reports does NOT cover this problem for me!!!

So, after the last blown modem... I made a decision. I called company #1 and hung-up more confused than before.

I called company #2 and decided that their prices were clearly from another planet (I just want to connect and view an email without having to log-on at 5:00am to view a photo that a friend sent).

Finally, company #3 helped convince me that they indeed had just the 'speed' I needed. AND, this is a big AND, they had a FREE month of TV.

Flashback: we bought our first TV two and a half years ago. It is a real regular TV. Not too big, not too small. Not even a plasma TV. Just a TV box with a flat screen. On a good day, we get five channels: Fox, NBC, ABC, CBS and PBS. Sometimes, we get them all at the same time if the wind is blowing in the right direction. And sometimes, we get just two channels.

I decided to go with company #3. The tech came out to our house and installed the computer and TV line. We opted for the most expensive package since it was FREE. We have 400 or more channels. I can watch anything at anytime.

I have had my ass glued to the couch for 120 hours. I eat, sleep, direct and delegate from the far right side of the couch. If I have to take a 'potty' break, I can pause my TV and not miss a thing. This is amazing. I had no idea that this type of TV service existed. Yes, I guess I do live under a rock. In fact, I think I have gained seven pounds in these five days. My widening couch potato ass is justified because of the 'hotter 'n' hell' sun that is torching outside.

I haven't quite got this whole remote thing figured out yet. It will probably take the entire thirty days to do that. Hell, I haven't even figured out the original TV remote that accompanies the TV or the DVD/VCR machine or the Camcorder or my cellphone or the DVD in my car or the headphones or the options for driver one (since I am going to be completely honest when it comes to my lack of technology)... I haven't taken the time to figure any of it out.

In 120 hours, I have watched chick movies: "The Holiday", "Nurse Betty", "Home for the Holidays", "Because I said So", "Home Alone 2", "Incredibles", "Scooby Doo2", "Legally Blond", and "Must Love Dogs". I have watched the SOAP channel -- to catch up on twenty years of missed soap opportunity. I have watched cooking shows just to learn how to pronounce some newly popularized food items.

I have 25 more days to discover more channels.

I have only 25 more days to completely and thoroughly ROT my brain.

I will explore the Internet when my TV opportunity expires! Right now I have to go and watch the highly advertised Oxygen channel. The one I have read about in O Magazine.