Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!

Best Wishes for 2010! 

May the New Year be a great beginning!

How many resolutions can one have? 

I suppose you can have as many as you want considering the resolution is broken within twenty-four hours anyhow.  But it is always good to attempt a resolution ... it is the "peer pressure" type of thing to do. 

Besides, it sounds noble to announce:

NO more cheating.  (on my driver's exam, people!!)
No more eating junk food.  (unless it is the main entree)
No more 'falling' for short, fat, bald men with a lot of money and zero personality.
No more impersonal attempts at maintaining friendships.
No more yo-yo personaliting.
No more house cleaning.
No more drinking.  (diet coke, people!!)

2010 is going to be a great year, if I can keep my resolutions!



Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Coffee, Tea or Me?



 I am totally still in the holiday spirit of delusion.

My house is messy.
My kids are dirty.
My cats are ... somewhere.
The inlaws are _______________ .
My husband is _______________ .
Remember, I am still filled with the holiday spirit.

How many more days till everyone leaves the house - back to school, back to work, back to their hometown, back to Timbuktu, back to wherever they need to be????

Always a TICKER. Always a COUNTDOWN. Always WAITING.

God, I don't want to be wishing my days, weeks, months, years away.

My NEW YEAR RESOLUTION....

I WILL STOP MAKING COUNTDOWNS!!!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Fat and Happy...


... are the cats, the dogs, the kids, the hubby.  AHHH!  What a wonderful time of year! 
I hope everyone has had a memorable Christmas Holiday. 
Warmest Wishes for 2010!

PS  Santa, thank you for bringing me three karats worth of sparkly diamond earrings.  My husband swears he didn't buy them.  He has no idea where they came from.  But I believe.  So I know you were the one doling out this big, huge wonderful surprise!  Love you Santa!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!


Have a Blessed Christmas Day!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A German Pickle to be in...



I don't care if this Christmas Tradition is a "created for Americans only but supposedly originated in Germany" tradition.  I think it is FABULOUS.  I think it is FUN.  Especially for the PICKLE FINDER! 

Our Non-German family, barely American at that, has a different twist on the German Pickle... we leave the German Pickle out for Santa -- along with his cookies and milk.  We ask that Santa hide the Pickle in the tree.  (I believe the American version asks that a family member hide the pickle, but we thought it would be more fun if Santa did!)

So, Santa hides the pickle on our tree on Christmas Eve when he makes it to our house.  When we awake in the morning, whoever finds the PICKLE FIRST on the tree receives an extra present.  Santa has left a special package under the tree with a tag that reads "PICKLE PRESENT". 

"HAPPY PICKLE HUNTING"!

ps  I hope I find the pickle!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Only 4 more days...



... until Christmas Morning! 
I am as excited as my children.  It is a magical day... ENJOY! 
And don't forget to "ELBOW" any Grinch-bitch who doesn't smile or share in the holiday spirit!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Sleepless in the Southwest


No need to set the alarm...  I am waking up between 3 and 4:am every morning.  For no apparent reason.  For no good reason, anyway. 

I cannot get online because I will end up visiting all of the sites I have banned myself from.  Especially the ones offering "SALES" and "FREE SHIPPING" with NO MINIMUM!  I just select DELETE.  I do not even read the subject line.  

[I apologize if I have deleted any of your emails because sometimes I just really get carried away with the DELETE button!]

I cannot call friends unless you live in England or Japan.

I wish I could sleep.  At night.  Clearly, I have no trouble sleeping at 1:00 in the afternoon. 

Ohhh, sleep.

At least I am not shopping.  19 days and I have saved a ton of money already.  This month.  This month only.  We are SO not acknowledging last month.  Or the month before.  I was in a shopping frenzy.  I mean really... how many shopaholics go to Europe and Russia on a BINGE before they have to quit shopping!!

PS  I am having some serious JETLAG!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

lists

I am a serious list maker.  copious lists.  post-it lists.  long lists.  short lists.  notebook lists.  calendar lists.   car lists.  everywhere lists.

But I lose them.  I start over.  I lose those too!

I have a Christmas list somewhere too.  And since I cannot shop - I need a "want" list to give to other willing shoppers.  And since I cannot buy whatever I want whenever I want - I have compiled a great list.  And the top ten change daily!

1.  jalapeno pepper corer
2.  jalapeno pepper cooker
3.  poached egg cooker
4.  wok - do they still manufacture these?
5.  carousel statue
6.  floating bar (for the pool)
7.  ergonomic pen
8.  restylane
9.  monogrammed cutting board and spreaders
10.  Wendel Chocolate

Monday, December 14, 2009

14 day update


Only 341 days to go!

Every time I get an urge to "run" to the store, I have decided to take a walk.  The walk lasts until the urge passes.  The urges are becoming less frequent.  After all it has been 14 days.  And it takes 1 to 2 weeks to retrain yourself when overcoming bad habits.

Today, only 8 urges... so far!

8:00 AM      take a walk
8:25 AM      return home
                    use the bathroom
                    grab some more water
8:29 AM      take a walk
8:44 AM      return home
                    make/eat breakfast
9:03 AM      take a walk
9:27 AM      return home
                    watch Rachel Ray
10:01 AM    take a walk
10:42 AM    return home
                    clean home
                    prepare/eat lunch
11:09 AM    take a walk
11:37 AM    return home
                    children to nap
                    listen to TV
                    clean out two closets
                    call "L"
                    clean oven
                    children still napping
                    cannot shop online - avoid computer
                    clean out junk drawers around the house
                    children finally awake
1:48 PM       take a walk
2:25 PM       return home
                    drive to school to pick up older children
                     return home - with NO stops
3:23 PM       take a walk
3:59 PM       return home
                    thinking about holiday sales
4:25 PM      take a walk
5:30 PM      return home
                   prepare/eat dinner
6:45 PM     reading/homework/sharing and BED
                   I am exhausted.

PS  tomorrow, I will wear a pedometer!
PPS  I walked for 243 minutes
PPPS  doesn't that equal like 16 miles if you're walking approximately 4MPH?
PPPPS  the good news is that I did not venture to one store today.  Or for the past two weeks other than groceries = necessities.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Saturated with the Christmas Spirit




We attended my husband's "department" Christmas Party last night.  I know, I know - the rule is to NEVER imbibe in public OR in the presence of people who can effect your future.  Definitely your husband's future. 

How was I to know that the beautiful red punch with floating cranberries and wreath-shaped iced cubes was spiked?  It's not like I own any tastebuds.  Those disappeared long ago ... during my AFRIN addiction!  AND, besides, the "hostess-bitch" said it was NOT spiked. 

Apparently I was intoxicated after two red drinks in 20 minutes because I ventured over to examine the exquisite ice sculpture.  It was flowing a beautiful pink colored watery substance.  Only too bad for me because I started guzzling the waterfall and that turned out to be MORE Vodka. 

We departed when I could not locate a safe place to hang my leg off the floor.  I was completely saturated with the Christmas Spirit.  Probably still am. 

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Exhibit C Christmas Letter



Dear __________________,

It is that time of year again ... where did the last 365 days go? Here we are wishing you a wonderful 2010! 2009 was a great year for the "T" family. We have many memories to add to our photo albums (110 and counting - we're running out of space).

We have had the most extraordinary year!  It all began with an all expense paid trip to Hawaii from the in-laws.  They didn't know what to get us for Christmas so they thought a trip might be fun.  And it was.  The weather was great.  The penthouse was fantastic.  The food delicious.  The entertainment delightful.  We are planning to make this trip an annual event. 

It seems like we just unpacked our bags and it was time for our  President's Weekend of Skiing!  The Colorado Lodge is so peaceful and perfect for a snowy winter weekend. 

Then we were off to Belize for Spring Break.  Our original plans were to go to Cambodia but due to time constraints and select soccer we opted for a shorter airplane flight.  Diving in Belize was incredible.  The water so clear, so blue, so fresh.  The fish and coral so visible. 

During Easter Weekend we experimented with a new tradition.  We fled to the Florida Keys.   We were in desperate need of a vacation.  And the conch fritters and reggae was just the ticket.

School was finally out.  The children had a great year.  "1" is at the top of his class.  A model child.  Even at 16.  He is really responsible especially with his new Lexus Sedan - a birthday gift!  "2" continues to excel at sports.  As I mentioned above, select soccer is in her life.  Traveling and prestige go with this team.  She is already being scouted by colleges.  "3" is still as sweet as ever.  She is training with a primadonna ballerina.  She spent the summer in New York.  "4" is finding his way as a football player.  His acquired size (from the "T" side of the family) is definitely a gaining advantage for this sport.  We have hopes of Penn State in his future as QB.

The summer was truly a time for regrouping and spending time together.  First we supported "3" in New York with her dance.  Then from there we all flew to Spain for the remaining weeks of summer.  Sandy beaches along the Costa del Sol, Sangria flowing, Paella, and amigos! 

Once we landed back in the States, we had to prepare for the school year.  Thanksgiving Vacation was here before we knew it.  Due to all of the children's events and happenings, we spent the holiday in Mexico.  Another short flight from home.  Plus being in Mexico is almost the same as being at home.  And now here it is Christmas.  The New Year's holiday will be rung in an hour earlier in Florida. 

We hope you all have had an exciting 2009 as well.  Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  From the "T" family.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Exhibit B Christmas Letter



Dear __________________,

It is that time of year again ... where did the last 365 days go? Here we are wishing you a wonderful 2010! 2009 was a great year for the "T" family. We have many memories to add to our photo albums (110 and counting - we're running out of space).

However, I'll quit the sap now.  Frankly, our year sucked.  It has been one thing after another this past year.  It all started in January.  We were broadsided.   The car demolished.  Too bad for us because we were in the process of switching insurance companies.  And there was a ONE DAY lapse due to that day being a Sunday in which we were 100% uncovered.  So of course we were hit on that ONE DAY.  And of course, the other driver was at fault but insured-less.   Since we were all rushed to the ER, the car insurance situation was on delay.  Yes, we did have health insurance.  However, our new policy's deductible is $6000.   Our ER bill was $6011.  I had three broken ribs.  "T" had a broken nose.  And all four children had concussions. 
We had to fight the health insurance company for our measley $11.  When we finally did receive that check 90 days later, we splurged on McDonalds.  Only too bad for us, we all contracted some horrible (and smelly) gastrointestinal situation.

Our year pretty much stayed the same way that it started out.  We couldn't go anywhere for Spring Break due to the ER bill and the car bill.  So we stayed home and made each other miserable.

I'd like to say I quit my job.  Or perhaps, I was laid off.  But technically I was fired.  I was fired because I didn't have a car for a while and the 5 mile walk was a bit long on some days.  Luckily I was only 5 miles away.  

"T" was demoted.  I didn't know one could be demoted at work and still want to wake up and continue to go there for the humiliation!  I was also demoted this year... from "matron of honor" to "bridesmaid" in my best friend's fourth wedding.  Although, I have the feeling we aren't really "BFFs"!!  And, yes, the dresses were UGLY.  And, no, you cannot EVER wear them again.

Our oldest, most promising child was held back this past school year.  The coaches told us it was so they could have an extra season with our QB.  Well, I don't think that is quite true.  He is seeking therapy at this time. 

Our middle, overlooked child had a pregnancy scare or two.  I could only think about how fun it would be to raise her baby.  Plus I have some really cool back-up baby names that I have been wanting to use!  So I sought out therapy for my delusion.

Our two youngest children are very independent.  We don't even know where they live on most days.  I knew the day would come when we would embarrass them.  I guess it happened with the youngest first. 

Summer was stagnant.  We planned a trip to Arkansas.  But with the swine flu outbreak and our horrible luck this past year, we decided it would be best to avoid contact with people.  We did visit the "MYSTERY SPOT" in Oklahoma because NOBODY ever goes to those attractions! 

We are highly anticipating the end of 2009.  2010 has just got to be more rewarding.  Here's to an upcoming fabulous year!  If any of you or yours are in the neighborhood, we would love to have you visit.  Our doors are always open (just call first).

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
   Warmest Wishes from the "T" family

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Exhibit A Christmas Letter


Dear __________________,

It is that time of year again ... where did the last 365 days go?  Here we are wishing you a wonderful 2010!  2009 was a great year for the "T" family.  We have many memories to add to our photo albums (110 and counting - we're running out of space).

The best part of 2009 for the "T" family was
  a.  the in-laws moved
  b.  we vacationed in Hawaii
  c.  cash for clunkers
  d.  all of the above

The worst part of 2009 was
  a.  catching oldest child with pot
  b.  receiving middle child's report card
  c.  watching the twins mimic the oldest child - "rolling" their own
  d.  all of the above
 
The most shocking part of 2009 was
  a.  failing my beautician's exam
  b.  husband's ex-mistress wouldn't go away
  c.  children earned highest score in Trivia at the local bar
  d.  all of the above
 
The biggest disappointments for 2009 were
  a.  oldest child crashed the t-bird
  b.  middle child failed PE due to his inability to run one mile in one hour
  c.  Ellen and Allen, the twins, have swapped clothing and identity 
  d.  all of the above
 
The biggest a-ha moments of 2009 were
  a.  the bread lasts longer in the refrigerator even if it's a bit hard
  b.  there is always a sale somewhere
  c.  there is truly no giving tree with money
  d.  all of the above
 
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
    Warmest Wishes from the "T" family


The answers:  1.d; 2.d; 3.d; 4.d; 5.d

Monday, December 7, 2009

cyberspace creates the everyday year-round Christmas letter


facebook, twitter, myspace, plaxo, linkedin, and any other social networking site ... it's like the year-round Christmas Letter!  The energizer Christmas Letter!  The "how blessed am I" that goes on and on and on! 

Everything you read is a Christmas Letter!  The brilliantly written, eloquently read, eternally optimistic, and the perfectly orchestrated life!  It's all so surfacely lovely!

Because with 4,953 "friends" reading your daily status, I guess your life isn't supposed to suck!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Please note: upcoming FREE SHIPPING DAY

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17th
is
FREE SHIPPING DAY

If you still have shopping to do for the holidays, there is an upcoming free shipping day for all you online shoppers!  Check out the website to see if your favorite retailers will be offering free shipping!

Also, the delivery for Christmas is guaranteed!

Happy Shopping!  I will be thinking of all you online shoppers!  Don't forget:  December 17th!

http://www.freeshippingday.com/

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Real Life Seinfeld Episode


Anyone remember the "SOUP NAZI" episode? 

It happens.  It's REAL. 

I visited the University Milk Bar (a commie run restaurant) with a very short menu.  A menu for those who know about this type of food.  Cheap food.  Economical food.  Commie rationed food.  Typically anything made with potatoes. 

1.  You enter the Milk Bar in a systematic fashion.
2.  March up to the order counter.
3.  Know your order before standing at the counter.
4.  Grab a tray.
5.  DO NOT TALK.
6.  DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS.
7.  Order.
8.  Sit down.
9.  Sit down at an empty chair at an already occupied table.  Do NOT start a new table.
10.  Pick up order when called.  IF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THEIR LANGUAGE because no help will be provided.  No eye contact will be made.  No gestures to aide in retrieving your ordered meal. 
11.  Do NOT attempt to pick up your meal earlier.
12.  Do NOT attempt to pick up your meal later.
13.  Be prepared to NOT receive your meal.
14.  Be prepared to be YELLED at by the COOK and Order taker and any other Worker.
15.  Be prepared to be LAUGHED at by other patrons.
16.  EAT quietly and efficiently and neatly IF you receive your order.
17.  Do NOT talk while eating.
18.  Do NOT complain about the food.
19.  Do NOT linger at the Milk Bar.
20.  Dispose of dishes and tray immediately and correctly.
21.  Leave.  Do NOT return to that Milk Bar unless you master the procedures.
22.  Visit a new Milk Bar.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

December First



Happy December 1st!

Whew!  My year-long NO shopping project begins TODAY!
I am extremely grateful for PINK Friday and PINK Sunday's arrival before the first of December.
I will keep you updated via blog on my shopless life in the south.

Let the Countdown to Christmas BEGIN!

PS  I hope there is chocolate behind those little doors!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Looking for more Black Fridays



Actually, looking for Black Sundays.  Or, in my world, PINK SUNDAYS! 
I am wondering if there are any sales in Moscow?!  Any one-offs?  Any discounts?  Any bartering to be done? 

Currently, I have a carrier bag full of "Matrushka Dolls"... every little girl is getting one for Christmas. 

Moscow is quite expensive.  About 20% higher in prices than Europe.  But really that is quite acceptable.  Because I do not want to buy European goods in Russia.  I would prefer to buy Russian goods in Russia. 

29 Rubles = 1 USD

Perhaps a couple more "Matrushka Dolls" ...

OR

How much Vodka can be carried back to the good ole USA?  If we would quit drinking the souvenirs, we might be able to gift Vodka.   Because who doesn't want Vodka from the original Vodka Heaven??!!

Friday, November 27, 2009

PINK Friday


Why do they call the Friday after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"?  No, this is not a riddle.  This is a very serious inquiry, not to be taken lightly! 

Black is not a very happy color.  Not a very mind-pleasing word.  not very colorful.  not very enlightening.

We should call it "Ice Cream Friday".  Everyone loves Ice Cream!  But November's end could be a bit chilly.  And "Coffee Friday" would be very limiting... because not everyone loves coffee. 

Or we should call it "Pink Friday".  Pink is a wonderful sounding, ear pleasing, eye catching word.  Pink, as in "spoiled pink", "think pink", "tickled pink", "pink power", and "the pink panther".  Ahhh, PINK!  A GREAT ADJECTIVE for the Friday after Thanksgiving!!

PINK!

Pink Friday is a very colorful, exciting, mind-jumping, hand-clapping, foot-dancing kind of day!!  There are savings abound.  Items galore.  Stores to explore.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving



so many wonderful memories to be grateful for
so many memories to be made

here's to giving THANKS!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Trial Thanksgiving Run



Turkeys are not my "thing" in cooking
They appear to be easy to cook
They appear to be low maintenance
But first, you have to clean out all that shit inside them

You have all seen your mothers do it
They reach inside and pull that crap out
Personally, after being an eyewitness
Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner is RUINED for me

My darling husband loves turkey
And after our First Thanksgiving together
in which I managed to turn into a BBQ
He is now the man in charge of cooking the turkey

On that lovely First Thanksgiving together
I pretended that I already cleaned out the turkey's innards
So I left it in
I couldn't bear to ruin his Thanksgiving too

Well I did anyway
When the fire department sent truck number 26
My mother never told me that innards could cause a fire
A big Fire in old appliances

We remodeled the kitchen during the Christmas holidays!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

My Mornings; 5 - 9 am

Unfortunately, I have learned to become a morning person.  For 38 years, I was a night person.  And then I married the 'love of my life morning person' and became a mom to more 'little morning people'. 

The cats go out for their morning carousing at 4AM.  They return about 5AM, depending on the weather conditions and temperatures.  Most mornings upon their return, the cats bring home a surprise.  This surprise could be a cockroach, a gigantic moth, any other bug or insect, a bird, a squirrel, a mouse, a rat, or a snake. 

Lately, it is garden snakes.  They love to bring these snakes home.  ALIVE. 

{ALIVE, because that is part of the game we play every single day - "CATCH THE CRITTER"!}

Recently, the cat snuck back in the house before 5AM and brought a playdate.  A visitor.  However, this particular playdate did not want to play "TAG" any longer and he took off to start his own game of "HIDE AND SEEK". 


I was not quite bright eyed and bushy tailed at 4:40AM... so I missed the game of "TAG".  Apparently, I also missed the game of "HIDE AND SEEK".

Later on, I decided to do a load of laundry.  DARKS.  I picked up the load from the basket (that was sitting on the floor), threw it in the washing machine, poured in detergent and other harsh chemicals, pushed START, heard the rinse cycle, the spin cycle, and the final beeper. 

I started to throw the load into the dryer when I noticed a string had come out of a jacket or shorts or something.  I reached in to grab the string.  And since it is now 5:33AM, my coffee has kicked in and my eyeballs have been pried open. 

Good Lord, Mother of Mercy, Praise Jesus, Holy Shit ...

I washed a snake.

I wish I could say I didn't have a full load and that I have taken up snake-washing in all my free time.  When his friends see him back in the garden, all squeaky clean and shiny, his friends will be lining up for this new snake spa treatment!

PS  For all you PETA people, this was an accident.  I do not participate in snake washing.  Snake handling.  Snake anything.  And the snake survived the washing!  He is happy to be back in his garden hole.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

tonbo~tonbo


everyday the girls want to go outside and look at the dragonfly.  this dragonfly landed on our house about 18 days ago.  and he hasn't moved.  at all.  i am beginning to get concerned.  isn't he hungry?  isn't he tired of hanging on the brick? 

the littlest baby girl screams, "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!"

"why, yes, he's still sleeping!"

by the way, how long do dragonflies sleep?  for days? 

could he be [shhhhh!] dead?  is that possible?  if he is dead, then why is he still stuck to the wall?  what do they do, ooze glue when they die so they just stick to whatever?  he would be cute in a glass case with a pin in him!

littlest baby girl screams again, "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!"

"i know it, he must be very tired.  maybe he's hibernating.  it is cooling off in texas - finally."

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

i'm.a.happy.mommy


because i'm going on vacation
far, far, away
to the land of probable relaxation
landing on a cay

no cooking for a while
no cleaning there either
i get to eat at restaurants dressed in style
and there's plenty a housekeeper

so i can do absolutely nothing
sleeping and drinking
perhaps a little shopping
but i won't buy a thing

Sunday, November 15, 2009

shout out

the cutest sleeping bags. ever. are on sale. now. until november 19.
pink. lavendar. blue. red
a big shout out to
for an adorable sleeping bag!
so adorable your kids may actually take a nap. for real.
wouldn't that be a delightful concept.


Friday, November 13, 2009

it's friday the 13th


and have you been to the Winchester Mystery House?  In San Jose, California?  This house is the most amazing place to be on a Friday the 13th!  A Tour of the House by Torch!  (That is, a flashlight!)  If you are ever in the bay area, this is a fantastic site to visit.



Sarah Winchester was married to the son of the Winchester Rifle manufacturer.  Upon her husband's death, Mrs. Winchester was convinced by a medium that continuous building would appease the evil spirits of those killed by the Winchester weapons and help her attain eternal life. Certainly her $20,000,000 inheritance was sufficient to support her obsession until her death at 82!

Amazing Facts:
Number of rooms: 160
Cost: $5,500,000
Date of Construction: 1884 - September 5, 1922 (38 continuous years!)
Number of stories: Prior to 1906 Earthquake - 7; presently 4
Number of acres: Originally 161.919; presently 4
Number of basements: 2
Heating: Steam, forced air, fireplaces
Number of windows: Frames 1,257; panes approx. 10,000
Number of doors: Doorways 467, doors approx. 950 not including cabinet doors.
Number of fireplaces: 47 (gas, wood, or coal burning)
Number of chimneys: Presently 17 with evidence of 2 others
Number of cars at her death: 2 (a 1917 Pierce Arrow Limousine & a 1916 4 cyl. Buick truck)
Number of bedrooms: Approx. 40
Number of kitchens: 5 or 6
Number of staircases: 40, total of stair steps - 367
Number of skylights: Approx. 52
Number of gallons of paint required to paint entire home: Over 20,000
Number of ballrooms: 2 (one nearly complete, and one under construction)
Blueprints available: No, Mrs. Winchester never had a master set of blueprints, but did sketch out individual rooms on paper and even tablecloths!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

a laborious life





And you thought it was because I eat healthy!

Monday, November 9, 2009

hide and seek

HONEY .....



a.  how to buy a new vacuum
b.  husband is bailing out of "his" chores
c.  husband is "underfoot"
d.  how to get funding for hiring a maid
e.  all of the above

Saturday, November 7, 2009

a web of tales



life is the yarn we spin
the web we weave
life is great
go out and make it a fabulous day
for today only happens once
AND, for goodness sakes, do not get tangled in your own web!!

(photo:  our backyard resident)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

feeling groovy


Well, today I am actually feeling skinny.  Because that is going to end really soon:  just ordered 5 to 10 more pounds of fat, lard, cellulite, and mid-drift rolls.  In the form of sofa-ass.  It arrives lumpy.  It stays frumpy. 

UVERSE.

giving it another shot.  really tired of barney.  And only twenty five days of FUN till my shopping experiment begins. 

UVERSE will keep me out of stores!
UVERSE will keep me on the couch!
UVERSE will keep its thumb on me!
UVERSE will be my babysitter, my monitor!

Thank God for UVERSE!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

creativity in the kitchen


So I was feeling a little bit creative this morning at 5 am.  Who else is awake at this hour (besides those of you who reside here)?  I pulled out the ole' pot'o'crock.  It is a perfect rainy, chilly, dreary, gray day to plug in this magical appliance!

I opened up the refrigerator and I threw in a random sample of whatever was within my reach:

carrots
celery
half an onion
chicken breast
potatoes (2)
half a bag of frozen green beans
noodles
lentils
black beans (raw, not from a can)

Then onto the spice cabinet

cumin
ginger
chili powder
minced onion
garlic

Then over to the sink

water poured over the entire contents
enough water to cover everything

Timer set for 8 hours
Pot set on Low

Now... let's see how it turns out... The POT SURPRISE!  And if we don't get some sort of gastrointestinal situation or swine flu -- I will be back to let you know how this turns out.  Don't you just love surprises.  And if this surprise is less than desirable like my new-best-friend then we go to plan B.  FROOT LOOPS.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

thirty day countdown


On December 1st, this blog will not only tell short stories but it will also publish the misgivings of a shopper-wannabee.  A shopper who has given up all impulse shopping.  A shopper who wants to see if there is really a savings to be made.  A shopper who reads about other families saving money... but the families never report the actual savings.  And then they spend their savings.  One family bought all new camping equipment... for a one-time deal... and now they probably vacation inside the marriott.  So much for camping gear rotting away in the garage, basement, or attic!!

Rules:
1.  ONLY Shop from a list
2.  USE coupons on every shopping trip.
3.  Extra food items can only be bought IF they are on sale (Extras as in snacks, or beef that is buy one get two free, or canned food supplies that are actually used on a regular basis)
4.  Children's snacks will only be purchased on sale. 
5.  No shopping for use "SOMEDAY".
6.  No extra shopping (extra, in this case, meaning:  we already have three rolls of ribbon and two rolls or wrapping paper, no more until it is gone!)
7.  Gifts will still be purchased!
8.  We will not scrimp on the basics:  toilet paper, tissues, detergent, etc.  But more effort will be made to hunt down coupons to use!
9.  Will not go to any store, boutique, outlet, or mall unless shopping for a SPECIFIC item for a GIFT.  Or my children have outgrown a SIZE.  Or something that is totally negotiable and deemed absolutely necessary.  Imperative. 
10.  Will not stoop to washing plastic bags or plastic containers if they are a threat to our health and well-being.  For example, there is mold growing inside.
11.  Will keep track of savings.  IF I pass on those cute matching girl pajamas (because each child already owns 8 sets each), then I save $$$.  Even IF they were pink and green polka dots and super preppy and totally adorable! 
12.  Will add more rules as they arise!

Good Luck! 
365 days is a long time to 'control' my impulse shopping control. 

Upon completion, November 30, 2010, what should we do with the savings? 
I guess that is what the next year is for, contemplation and planning on how to spend money well-saved!

Time is ticking, must get to Dillards and Nordstroms... shopping to do before my time is up.  hee hee hee.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

BOO!



hAppY hAllOwEEn!!

Have a spooky fun-filled evening of tricking and treating!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

she's gone country


like twenty years ago.  to be exact.  before country was IN.  before country was cool.  [small disclaimer to the world of country: i do wish to declare that there has never been anything remotely cool about women's wranglers.] 

i went country in tokyo.  as in japan, the country.  every afternoon, armed air force radio was on - for two hours.  at first the two hours were extremely long.  then they got shorter.  armed air force radio was the ONLY english radio station aired.  its reception was finicky.  unpredictable.  highly anticipated.  yet, why country in tokyo?  why not hip hop? or oldies (have you been to harajuku)?

i began to listen at noon because i craved hearing the english language from english speaking natives.  and calling america, just to hear english, every day was getting a bit expensive.  especially to those of you to whom i called collect.  oops. 

i first realized i went country when:

*i was singing along
*i knew the lyrics
*i was humming a song (that was ultimately stuck in my head) and i hadn't forgotten the tune
*i went to karaoke and requested "achy breaky heart"
*i learned to line dance at the western saloon in tokyo  
*i had plans to move to tennessee or texas upon my return to the states and country music was the only reason for this move

i was walking down sakuragaoka street, heading to the train station and realized my head was singing john anderson's "straight tequila night".  it is my first memory of placing a country song with an event.  not a monumental event.  but definitely an event.  K13 became my favorite song.  I still play it in juke boxes wherever I may be.  K13 is not always my favorite song... like it's the beastie boys at the red cow.  or it's some rap song at flannagans.  or it's some new age tune at the cellar.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Top Ten List of Helpful Hints



1.  DO IT YOURSELF
2.  I'M SORRY, I MUST BE GOING
3.  DON'T BOTHER ME
4.  I'M BUSY
5.  I CAN'T HEAR YOU
6.  ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
7.  I'M NOT A HOUSEWIFE, I'M A STAY-AT-HOME MOM
8.  I'M CLEARLY NOT INTERESTED
9.  NO SUGAR-COATING IN THIS HOUSE
10.  I HEAR YOU, I'M JUST IGNORING YOU

This Top Ten List of Helpful Hints DO Help IF you follow them precisely and accurately.  Any one of the ten helpful hints can be used in response to any of your questions.  Please feel free to select the appropriate hint as a response to your assanine question.  Have a nice day!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

clockwork orange


big round orange gourds are lots of fun this time of year! 

the best place in north texas for pumpkin viewing is at the "flower mound pumpkin patch".  not only are there lots of pumpkins, but there are bouncy houses, obstacle courses, climbing structures, wagons, hay rides, and loads of picnic tables for picnic-ing!   http://www.flowermoundpumpkinpatch.com/

a great family outing

Friday, October 23, 2009

sixty.two.days


1/6 of a year.  8 weeks and six days.  1493 hours. 

Christmas is coming!  Santa is coming!  The Griswolds are coming! 

Halloween is not even over and the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa decor have hit the store aisles. 

Must start making lists.  Must start thinking about gifts.  Must start making more to-do lists.  UGH.  double UGH UGH.

The children have their lists already started (frankly, since the 26th of December 2008).  And this is a few of their minor requests after much contemplation and collaboration of three little minds:

* piano (since our family is totally ungifted/untalented/unmusical in this area)
* pony (a real live hairy stinky carrot-eating gigantic-dunging mammal)
* hermit crab (only if a pony is out of stock and undeliverable) - with its shell painted pink with green polkadots!
* puppy (preferably not stuffed)
* an art room (because it should not be located in the play room)
* a slide and heater for the pool (so we can swim year round)
* a home school (so we don't have to go to school)

What ever happened to simple gifts from the heart?  Homemade paper dolls?  Handmade skirts?  Hand knitted slippers?  Hand painted boxes?

What ever happened to easy simple gifts of Barbie, Little People, Legos, and Blocks?   The wee ones do get an A+++ for creativity.  I just hope they aren't too disappointed!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wednesdays at Walmart = FUN


ONLY because I arrived at WalMart at 7am.  Yes, in the morning!  I finally got BINGO at 8:29am! 

Thank you to the last WalMart patron! 

Unfortunately for me... I actually knew the BEARDED WOMAN. 

So, yes, confession time, I pretended that I didn't see you.  Yes, YOU.  And YES, it was ME.  AND Yes again, I purposely dropped my grocery bag and spent an inordinate amount of time picking up my private (now public) products. 

You see, you are one HAIRY FUNdamentally ILL woman growing a FUNdass FUNgus.  And YES, I was avoiding you.  Because EVERY time I meet your acquaintance, I have to hear how GREAT you are.  It's rather ANNOYING!  Deeply annoying.  I'd rather have my toenails removed.  

Do you exploit your latest surgery for awe?  for envy?  for jealousy?
Is it to feel secure by letting people think you have money?? 
Is it to gain compliments?  Like anyone is going to say, "Wow, what a waste of twenty grand!"  "Did it work?"  or "I can't tell the difference!" 
Your gasbagging SCREAMS "LOSER"!  Please STOP!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

cheatersrus.com

I never ask you where your goin',
I never ask you where you've been
I've never called and checked your story,
When you stayed out with all your freinds
I've never tried to catch you lyin',

You see, because I found your cheatin' ass on cheatersrus.com

THIS is the greatest website since canned beer!  You can find a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a date, a spouse, a significant other, a partner, or a whatever here. 

All cheaters are registered  by their exes. {Their victims, their family, or their friends.} 

This is the perfect website for those of us who don't want a real relationship.  Nor a real committment.  Nor a real hassle.  Nor a real situation.  This website is also great for other "cheaters" because you know that the other "cheater" doesn't want anything REAL either!!!!

You log on to cheatersrus.   You browse the profiles like on match.com.  You select a mate.  You contact that mate.  Although that mate has NO IDEA how you found him or her.   (PS So you better have an excellent story and reason to be calling/emailing/texting.) And VOILA, you have yourself a bonafide CHEATER!  How great is that! 

SURPRISE, EX Boyfriend #3 ... I found your bald ass on cheatersrus.com

PS This is a fictional website and short story

Sunday, October 18, 2009

From Mommy's Mouth?


SUPER PAPER STORE A has opened their doors to the PUBLIC!  ME!  ME!  ME!  The paper store is moving office/work space and I get to SHOP their MOVING SALE!  ME! 

I don't have to drive 20 minutes to buy invitations/thank you cards/labels/stationary/cards!  I don't have to dread going into the RETAIL store and buying ONE INVITATION at $2.20!   I have the opportunity to buy the whole damn box for $3.00. 

THANK YOU SUPER PAPER STORE A!

So, on my THIRD visit in 30 hours... I took the oldest daughter... the one with the most opinions.  The most stubborn one.  I wanted to make sure she selected her OWN invitations.  I didn't want to hear any complaining regarding her upcoming festivities. 

Oldest opinionated daughter selected a few more boxes of invitations... ones that I had overlooked.  Like the pizza/coke invitation in case we have a "Chuck E. Cheese" party for number three.  Or the "Maracas" for the Cinco de Mayo party we could have.  Or the "Giraffes" for the Zoo party we could have. 

As we loaded yet another bag of invitations into the car, I hesitated and thought about going back inside... I announced to stubborn daughter, "Do you think we should get the Camo/Dog Tag invitations - just in case"? 

Daughter studies my face and quietly says, "dammit!  I knew we should have bought those, too!"

I looked at her.  Obviously with SURPRISE!  My eyes dilated.  My mouth corners turned up (I couldn't help it).  And she announces...

"MOM, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD STOP TEACHING ME THOSE WORDS... I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO USE THEM.  AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO USE THEM IF YOU DIDN'T TEACH ME THEM!!!" 

Monday, October 12, 2009

no.school.no.mail.no.money.


Happy Columbus Day!

Thank God somebody discovered America so we could have another HOLIDAY! 

Oh, what to do today:

1.  visit a pumpkin patch?
2.  stay home?
3.  go to the park?
4.  stay home and pull weeds?
5.  schedule a play date?
6.  stay home and sleep?
7.  celebrate Columbus Day?
8.  stay home and hide?
9.  eat corn, tortillas, and popcorn?
10.  stay home and clean?

Check out:  www.enchantedlearning.com/crafts/columbus for FUN stay-at-home activities!




Saturday, October 10, 2009

fundraisers?


we received a fundraiser in the mail from school A. 

tacky wrapping paper.
tacky greeting cards.

Dear 'school A' parents:

Please find enclosed are the Fall Fundraiser items. 
Each family is required to sell $50 worth of fundraising items. 
The enclosed four rolls of wrapping paper and five greeting cards are equal to the $50 minimum. 
If you sell more fundraising items, please fill out the enclosed order form. 
The items will be delivered in four weeks. 
All monies are due next week.  Thank you for your support. 
Happy Selling!
from The Crappy Wrappy Place

What am I going to do with this shit?  I totally cannot sell it.  It's ugly.  It's embarrassing.  Plus all our friends have children at the same school and why would they want to buy more ugly shit?  Again, what am I going to do with this ugly crap?  Seriously, can I wrap gifts in this? 

I would gladly donate $50.  With no strings attached.  With no ugly shit in exchange.  With no cost to the school.  What is the mark-up on this stuff, anyway??  UGH!!! 

HINT:  "SCHOOL A", JUST ASK FOR 50 BUCKS!  WE'D ALL GIVE IT! 

Thursday, October 8, 2009

why my husband doesn't take me out...


Last night, we went out to our favorite "guacamole" restaurant (Translation:  Mexican Food Restaurant).  We were seated in a quiet, dark corner (must be the multiple under 2 baby entourage) - far, far away from other patrons.  In fact, it may have been a special room for "families" ONLY.   Or for our family, ONLY.

The waiter proceeded to offer the specials.  Offer chips.  Salsa.  Iced water. 

The waiter returns to take our order. 

Fajitas for one daddy.  Small fajitas for one child.  Enchiladas for another child.  Rice and beans for the last child.  My turn:

"I'd like the personal-size, thin crust, vegetarian pizza -- cut into six slices instead of four.  Oh, with extra olives and cheese." 

Daddy buries his head in the remaining large menu.

Waiter stammers.  Waiter hesitates.  Waiter's speechless. 

I never got my pizza!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

sabbatical is over...


I always take time off during my 'hand' anniversary to reflect on life and gratitude. 
There are so many things to be grateful for! 

1.   LASIK
2.   Breast Augmentation
3.   Tummy Tuck
4.   Slim Fast
5.   Prosthetics
6.   Single doctors
7.   Meds
8.   Bed rest
9.   Doctor's note
10. Sympathy

And on this day, we can also be reminded of the woes of David Letterman and Kate Gosselin.  Can losing  fingers compare to blackmail?  or to a messy divorce?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

thirteen.years.it.has.been


i.lost.ONE.finger.or.TWO
definitely ONE.  definitely the use of TWO.

it was not the best day of my life.
october.3.1996

i had a cut that resembled a papercut.  not open.  not deep.  not threatening. until I came in contact with a person with strep throat.  the strep infection invaded my cut via coughing or sneezing.  it became staph infection.  THE FLESH-EATING BACTERIA.  GANGRENE.

for those of you who know:  you can skip this post.

for those of you who don't know: 

1.  WASH YOUR HANDS
2.  NEVER KISS A "BOO-BOO", EVER!  (KISS NEXT TO IT, AROUND IT, ABOVE IT, BELOW IT... NEVER EVER ON IT!)
3.  NEVER PUT YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH AFTER A PAPERCUT OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF CUT!
4.  PUT ON A BAND-AID.  YES, EVEN ON A PAPERCUT!

6 months in and out of the hospital. 
365 daily visits to a hand surgeon. 
10 hand surgeries.
4 long years of constant doctor monitoring.
40 prescriptions for pain pills.
1200 codeine tablets.  (not for sale)
1 prosthetic.
4 doctors. 
1 special doctor who saved my life and my hand.
1,000,000 dollars, at least.
1 conclusion: disability.
1 future possibility: more amputation.

THANK YOU, DR. BOB!  AND 'NURSES' CARLA AND DEBBIE!  You're my heroes!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

happy.october.first


today is the official day that i will allow the girls to start wearing 'halloween' themed clothing and accessories.
school begins so early (like july) here... that by august end, they wanted to start in on the halloween stuff.
so, girls, it's finally here...
HALLOWEEN SEASON
(as the little ones call it!)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

i.love.to.clean


This is the way we clean the house, clean the house, clean the house
This is the way we clean the house
At THREE in the morning

This is the way we sweep the crap, sweep the crap, sweep the crap
This is the way we sweep the crap
Deep in the corner

This is the way we wash a dish, wash a dish, wash a dish
This is the way we wash a dish
Big doggy lickins

This is the way we iron a shirt, iron a shirt, iron a shirt
This is the way we iron a shirt
Flattened under a mattress

This is the way we make the bed, make the bed, make the bed
This is the way we make the bed
Guess we didn't do it

This is the way we make a meal, make a meal, make a meal
This is the way we make a meal
Out of a box

This is the way we polish the table, polish the table, polish the table
This is the way we polish the table
Spit Shine and Wipe

This is the way we sanitize, sanitize, sanitize
This is the way we sanitize
Who's toothbrush's in the toilet

This is the way we mop the floor, mop the floor, mop the floor
This is the way we mop the floor
Just spill your water

This is the way we start the day, start the day, start the day
This is the way we start the day
With coffee and kahlua

This is the way we end the day, end the day, end the day
This is the way we end the day
Sloppy and sloshy