Monday, August 31, 2009

Assuming is a very bad thing


I am not much of a cook, let alone a 'short-order' cook. I don't even pretend to be! If you come to our house... you'll probably be served the same thing you had last time. And the time before that. And the time before that.

Please don't ask my children what are their favorite foods... you may be surprised to learn that their favorites include: salmon, shrimp, tofu, spring rolls, edamame (please pronounce it 'ay-dah-mah-may'), tilapia and broccoli.

Shhhh! Now you know my secret (I really do cook) but it is better to pretend I don't - so you won't want to come and visit us!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

It's not even September...

And the talk around school is... Halloween Costumes! Already. Seriously.
Can't it wait another month? Or another six weeks? Halloween?! We still have 4th of July paraphernalia hanging on the front door. We still light snakes on the sidewalk at night (leftover from the 4th).

The children are excited by the selection of costumes available in August. And they will be definitely less excited by their available choices in October.

What happened to making your own costume? Like, being a "Gypsy" or an "American Indian" or a "Hobo" for the fifth year in a row? There weren't a whole lot of choices back in my 'trick or treating' days. And it wasn't THAT long ago.

The girls are thinking of "OZ"... one will be Dorothy, one will be the Scarecrow and the other one will be the New Toto.
And, hopefully, a "little" costume for mommy - as she hands out candy to all the neighborhood children. At least, Daddy will be happy.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Dating Disclaimer

1. I NEVER said I was NICE [all the time].

2. I NEVER said I liked your family [ever].

3. I NEVER said I was RIGHT [it's usually implied].

4. I NEVER said I emulated 'June Cleaver' [where did that come from?] .

5. I NEVER said I didn't drink [before five o'clock].

It's all about the 'things that are never said'; don't assume, ASK!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A Staycay?

We did a staycay all summer long... in our backyarded pool oasis. It was lovely. Relaxing. Easy. Peaceful. Serene. Calm. {Aesthetically, I have blocked all the daily 'trying moments', yes with an 80 proof.}

Now, I want to go ... go ... go ... I want a real vaycay. I want to go somewhere. I want to fly far away. I want to go somewhere this fall/early winter. I want to go where the air is crisp. The food is foreign. The currency is worth more. The shopping is an adventure. And the Christmas spirit is all around us.
So, with or without kids? That is the question, I ask. I say anyone in diapers 'stays home'!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Is It Evil or Lucky?

I suppose the "eye" depends on whether your glass is either half-full or half-empty?

Perhaps, if you are a half-empty kind of person, then it is the "eye" to ward off evil. And, if you are a half-full kind of annoying person, then it is the "eye" to bring good luck.

Actually, in a completely arrogant kind of way, I will take the FULL glass and use my "EYE" to ward off evil and bring good luck! It's a total win-win! It's so "Heads I Win, Tails You Lose"!

And that is why I am adorned in "eyes" ... in my ears, on my wrists, around my neck, and a secret one tucked away in my {guess?}. Here's to the EYE of Turkiye!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Conversion Diversion

What has happened to the USA's conversion to the Metric System? Does anyone remember having to (immediately) learn the metric system? (OR does this thought just give away my age, UGH??)

Metric vs. USA measurements

(There is a third; Imperial -- but we'll ignore that one since it is very similar to the USA. Yet, it should not be confused with the USA. Oh, and by the way, who cares?)

I think I prefer the Metric System!

I weigh LESS... 55 kilos instead of (hey, I'm not saying, and you'll just look it up anyway...)

I stand TALLER... 167.6 cm instead of 66 inches.

I have less weight to lose... 5 kilos instead of 11 pounds!

I drive FASTER... 112.65 KPH instead of 70 MPH on the highway!

It's LESS HOT in Texas... 39 degrees C instead of 102.2 degrees F!

However, there are certain situations in which the USA measurement system might be at an advantage:

Gas costs LESS in Gallons... too many Liters to count!

Running a Marathon is SHORTER in miles, 26.2... 42.16 km is too FAR!

And the same goes for a Half-Marathon, 13.1 miles... 21.08 km is like running a full marathon!

My long jump recorded in USATF measurements at 5', 4 and 1/2" sounds LONGER... than 1.63 meters (that's like crossing one square on a sidewalk)!

And 20 degrees C in Texas sounds COLD... compared to the real nice breezy 68 degrees F!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Home Maid II

Can't find your socks? Check your closet floor!

Can't turn your clothes outside-in? Then they will be laundered, dried, and folded in the same way that you left them on the floor.

Can't find a clean bowl? Grab one out of the sink (mine are in the dishwasher)!

Now, can we discuss a maid?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Somewhere, Over the Rainbow

I am desperately seeking the end!
(Of the rainbow ... people) you know, the pot of gold! The big humongous ginormous pot of glistening gold. The one that is worth $947 per ounce.

Now I ask myself, why the hell do I prefer silver and platinum to GOLD??? BUT ... (insert WHINE and WINE) ... what about the cheap 18k gold in Kalkotta in 1991? The cheap 24k gold in Kuala Lumpur in 1989? The cheap 18k gold in Firenze? The gold bouillon in Macau in 1994?? ARGGHHHHH!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

... in stitches (literally)

13:00 Petra goes down for an afternoon nap

14:00 Victoria takes a shower/shampoo after an afternoon of swimming and sunscreen

15:00 Mom (guess that would be me) irons a school uniform

15:30 Victoria cleans up the playroom before getting ready to go "Meet the Teacher"

15:45 Petra awakes from blissful rest

16:10 Victoria brushes her teeth and combs her hair

16:15 Petra plays quietly in playroom (too quietly, probably)

16:20 Victoria begins to get dressed with new uniform, school shoes, and school hair ribbon

16:30 Screams come from the playroom... the non-whiny kind... the blood-curdling kind

16:31 More screams - this time from Victoria and Mom

16:33 Mopping up blood and icing down one and one-half inch forehead gash; a result of climbing

16:35 Call Dad ... politely give him a choice: (1.) Take Victoria to school or (2.) Go to hospital

16:38 Petra calms down, gash stops gushing blood, and enjoys chomping on crushed ice

16:39 Cat 1 vomits

16:41 Cat 2 forgets to use the litter box

16:45 Victoria needs to be at school very soon; so she gets anxious

16:46 Mom wonders why she didn't hydrate more throughout the day?

16:47 Dad arrives not very thrilled with the two choices he was given 12 minutes ago

16:49 Dad goes to hospital because really there is no other choice

16:50 Victoria and Mom go to school ... in a nervous frenzy

16:59 Victoria and Mom arrive at school; Dad and Petra arrive at ER. Luckily our house is equidistant from hospital district and school district

17:04 Petra receives sutures

17:06 Victoria receives school supplies

19:36 Everyone in bed to put this horrible, no good, very bad day behind us!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Commiserate or Celebrate?

It's the first day of school and my conscience said to me, "don't call the principal!"

It's the first day of school and my mind reminded me, "don't start complaining!"

It's the first day of school and my brain quoted me, "they're not all dumbasses!"

It's the first day of school and my cerebrum called to me, "you're paying a lot of tuition!"

It's the first day of school and my noodle bamboozled me, "three martinis waiting!"

It's the first day of school and my cranium challenged me, "children are adaptable!"

It's the first day of school and my heart cried to me, "they are growing up!"

Happy First Day of School to All and to All a Grand School Year 2009-2010!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hot Dog!

It's a pig! It's a pet! IT'S ... a real cooked hot dog! AND I survived Vietnam on "HUDA" beer.

My claim to fame: I have never eaten a hotdog... the All-American kind or otherwise. I despise the looks of them. I hate the name of them. I detest the shape of them. The idea of eating a flesh popcicle is revolting. Forget about what they are made out of - fillers. What are fillers? Intestines? Gizzards? Cartilage? The shit you find in the insides of a turkey at Thanksgiving? UGH.

Needless to say, I am not a healthnut freak. I don't count fat grams. I ignore the idea of heart killing trans fats. It's not just because I don't know how to cook a hotdog. It's just I don't and won't eat hotdogs. NEVER. EVER.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

WANTED: fleas and dander and chiggers

Does a "Flea and Dander Shop" exist? Anywhere? Local? Cyber? Perhaps, a call to the local 'bait' shop could send me in the right direction.

We are expecting two visitors soon. Visitors who shall remain nameless and faceless, yet definitely thoughtless. The visitors just need a place to sleep while they are en route to their final destination. We are just a free hotel room for less than 15 hours. I don't mind. It is really no bother. It is family. It is not troublesome. That is, it wasn't an issue, UNTIL ...

I began receiving emails (NOT 1, BUT several) on how to make the visitors MOST comfortable during their stay. At first, I laughed. And then, I got irritated. NOW, I am just pi$$ed.

No, I will NOT provide breakfast for you before your departure at 6:30 AM.

No, I will NOT set the coffee maker to brew at 5:45 AM.

No, I will NOT provide STARBUCKS COFFEE only. (There are like 4 cafes down the street in a three mile radius and I will take a NF Mocha Grande with extra caffeine!)

No, I will NOT provide a pet-free room for you.

No, I will NOT vacuum before your arrival.

No, I will NOT insure that there is NO dust or dirt or anything else ... in the AIR.
No, I will NOT set my thermostat at 68 degrees.

No, I will NOT set my hot water heater at 140 degrees.

No, I probably won't be able to be very cordial. Even while imbibing.

I love visiting and being visited ... is this the NEW visiting protocol? HELP!?! One word frequently comes to mind: HOTEL!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Waiting for Oprah to call!

SIX MORE days till the First Day of School! SIX more days till the First Day of DETOX!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

8 day countdown...


... To the first day of school. Our summer is almost officially over. Finished. Ceased. Ended. Never mind that the thermometer still registers over 100 degrees F. And the students will be covered in a slick film of sweat by the time they walk 50 yards to the front school door. Summer 2009 is complete.

Luckily, my children are just beginning to feel the word "boredom". We are creating new games and activities. Hopefully, these creative strategies will occupy most of their afternoon. Or at least 10 minutes of it. Long enough for me to go stand in my closet and guzzle a silver bullet. AND For all you mommies; this one lasted long enough for me to drink 3/4 bottle of red wine!

Monday, August 3, 2009

What this country needs is

a. a good QUARTER burger!
b. a cheap DIME diet coke!
c. a cold NICKEL beer!
d. a FREE mocha Monday!
e. all of the above

E. Definitely E. Especially for mommies... and preferably all found at the same locale!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Have I mentioned...

that we are building a home? Someday? Near future? Maybe? Ten years max? Who the heck knows? And who cares (you're thinking)?

The hold up: we cannot finalize decisions together. Hell, we cannot even agree on the most mundane issues when it comes to the house. Husband starts droning on about the number of windows, their energy rating, low-e and their placement. I counteroffer a suggestion of slate flooring. Husband rolls his eyes and demands to know (1.) IF I am serious; we're discussing windows! and (2.) What does flooring have to do with windows? Well, duh, flooring is kind of important... as is the size and style of the new refrigerator.

I swear, IF we can pull this off without a divorce, I will quit drinking (I promise!).

He rarely changes his mind. And, me, I change my mind by the hour. On a whim. On a fancy.

One or two staircases?
four or five car garage?
three or four or five bedrooms?
two or no bathrooms? (I DESPISE cleaning toilets! Can't we just go down the street to the gas station?)
third story?
stucco or brick?
ICF or bust? Only ICF (Insulated concrete forms... the perfect solution to going green and having a 5000 square foot home heated and cooled for under $100/month!)

Today we met with our 'very patient' architect. He likes me. He gets my humor. He gets my ideas. Yes, I want a slide from the 3rd floor to the outside patio into a pit of sand. AND if that deems impossible, inefficient, impractical, or expensive... then I'll agree to the firestation pole and I'll be happy. Except sliding down into the game room doesn't sound like too much fun!

After three long, debilitating hours with the 'perfect' architect - I smiled with satisfaction as he reworked our plans for the ninth time this summer. And he even added the elevator I insisted I might need in old age. After all, I am of 'maternally advanced' age.

"I HOPE YOU AND THE ARCHITECT WILL BE VERY HAPPY WITH 'OUR' HOUSE!" declares 'out-numbered/out-voted' husband.