Saturday, July 31, 2010

two weeks; more or less

My estimated due date is fast approaching.
And I am not ready. 
Let me announce this with greater clarity:  I am NOT ready. 

Although the alternative is NOT great -- keeping baby #3 inside until I am DEFINITELY ready ... because she would come out like some smelly, hormonal, hairy teenager at the age of 14.  And then, I may get stretch marks.  Plus, that's like fourteen more summers in Texas!

So I ask, what fun would that be? 

Therefore, I must suck it up and get ready. 

As of my last appointment, I am beginning to dilate. 

And that is ONLY because the doctor probably initiated that when he reached up to "feel" the baby's head.  shit.  that hurt.  Why didn't the doctor just break my "water" and get this baby moving on its way out?  Because ONE is never really ready to go through the rigors of labor and delivery, right?  So just have a baby when you are NOT ready.  It is much easier than waiting around for the due date. 

Baby #1 --  my husband was in Los Angeles.  Yes, that's right.  California.  With a two hour time difference.  A 4+ hour flight to DFW.  And I am sure he drank beer (or something a bit stronger) the entire flight.  It isn't confirmed.  But I have my hunches. 

Baby #2 -- after settling me into my room, my husband went home to pick up a few things (like beer, wine and champagne), check on the existing children and grandparents, do some house stuff, clean the pool, fiddle in the garage... meanwhile, baby #2 decided to go from 2 cm to 10 cm in 45 minutes.  And, too bad for me -- my cell phone was dead and I was too sick to think about calling him anyway. 

Baby #3 -- yet to come.
Although, husband did leave me a note yesterday morning before he left for work (an extra hour early):

Dear Easy-Going, Loving Wife:
I have three business trips back-to-back this month.  When do you think this baby is arriving?  Is it possible for you to hold her in until one of the Saturdays?  I really should be in on these negotiation/training trips.  Just let me know your thoughts!

Anybody want to come sit with me in room 201?  I will provide food and beverages.  Gratis. 

Friday, July 30, 2010

cynicism: the new alligator

This new alligator is sewn on the left breast of (almost) every shirt I own and wear.  The alligator is deceiving because it appears to be the real Lacoste.  But this special "cynicgator" has its big tongue sticking out and it's pointing at everyone I pass.   Especially if I happen to point my left breast in your direction. 

Sarcasm goes hand-in-hand.

So, I ran into ... "Joe the Happy Guy and his equally dysfunctional fungus-like Wife".  We, meaning the entire small big town in which we reside, all know they are full of shit -- quite up their eyebrows.  They put on airs of happiness for their own benefit, I suppose.  Because ... really who talks like that???  Nobody I really know.  Only the SURFACE types!?

"HI.  How are you?  (They approached and inquired, not really meaning the question, but using it out of fake courtesy)"

"Ahhh... (before I am cut-off/interrupted)"

"We ARE GREAT.  I mean REALLY FANTASTIC.  LIFE is so GOOD.  I can't BELIEVE how GREAT life is and how GREAT we are doing.  Everything is so GREAT."

"Oh, that's... (before I am chopped off again and wondering who asked how they were doing?)"

"We have ONE child and she is BRILLIANT, FANTASTIC, GREAT, EXCEPTIONAL.  YOU just don't know how GREAT it is to be a PARENT or to have a CHILD."

"No, I .... (cut-off again and still wondering who asked?)"

"I mean, isn't it GREAT how life turns out so PERFECTLY?  We are SO SO HAPPY !!!"

"Well, nice to see you both again, I do hope you sell your FORECLOSED home, FIND a JOB, and child A gets accepted into the MAINSTREAM program at school!" 

(because this IS small town knowledge and I walk off with a GIANT smile :+)

Because who really talks this way?
And IF they do really talk this way, is it true?
Do you believe them?
Who are they posturing for?
Who are they kidding?
Six positive adjectives in one fast breath, are they serious?
I have a tiny bit of guilt for not believing them, but do you believe them?
Haven't they learned that it is better to say nothing at all than to drivel in 'imposter' greatness?
Do you have a headache, too???
One compound word:  GASBAG!
Please get me a Tylenol.  Or three.  Or an imposter daquiri.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Wacky Wednesdays

Wednesdays, till I can really get back on my feet again, will be reserved for a LAUGH (hopefully!!)

Monday, July 26, 2010

"5" - today's rating

So, how exactly did we catch the FLU?

Was it the cashier who coughed on our receipt?
Was it the toddler who had a runny nose?
Was it the child at gymnastics who did not want to "skip" a class?
Was it the restaurant - sticky seats, unkempt booth, and tabletop breeding bacterium?
Was it church?
Was it the germ harbouring but never catching neighbor?

Three of us are down and one to go...

I have always been healthy during prenancy.  Never sick.  Maybe a slight sinus cold.  Maybe a few headaches.  But never the flu.

Can I just tell you that being 36 weeks pregnant and catching the stomach virus is so NOT fun?  No, it is not morning sickness.  Nor is it third-trimester sickness.  Nor is it food poisoning.  It is the stomach flu.  And it hurts!!!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

temptation abounds

All summer long, McDonalds:  any size soda $1
QT gas stations:  $.49 for 32 ounces
Sonic:  Happy Hour = half price sodas
On the Run:  $.69 for 32 ounces

Damn you, marketing people!  The only summer I cannot indulge in Diet Coke and you people display Fountain Drinks for mere pennies.  Mere change.  Mere misery! 

I am free to indulge in four weeks.  And I know how this game will be played out:  the specials will all be in the past.  There will not be one special deal on Diet Coke fountain drinks.  There will not be one Diet Coke costing less than $1.79 for 32 ounces.  And I am going to need a lot of fluid ounces!  I need them NOW.   Intravenously. 

God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change or control
God, please grant me the serenity to give up Diet Coke for good, not just 280 days
God, please grant me the serenity to select another vice and may this vice be a good habit

Thursday, July 22, 2010

21 days

60 days of summer vacation have already vanished.  Just like that, they are gone. 


I have this eccentric habit of counting... as I may have mentioned before, seven times.  Ceiling tiles in a waiting room.  Floor tiles in an examination room.  Stairs.  Who needs a pedometer?  Days.  Hours.  Countdowns.  Trees.  Flowers.  Stepping Stones. 

We have had fun days.  We have had lazy days.  Family days.  Zoo days.  Aquarium days.  Museum days.  Lunch days.  Picnic days.  Swimming days.  Playdate days.  Birthday party days.  Drive-in nights. 

We have NOT had a "real" vacation ... by "real" I mean like leave the city, metroplex, state, region, country kind of vacation. 

My children are beginning to panic awaiting the first day of school in which they are required to write about their summer vacation using adjectives and other colorful descriptions.  They are aware of the stiff vacation competition.  The show-offs.  The bullies.  The wannabe's.  The imposters.  The pretenders.  The Vlasic Pickle children. 

I feel for them.

"My Summer Recap as told by V"

"Being pregnant and adding a baby to the house does not make for a fun summer vacation.  Vomiting, bed rest, bodily changes that nobody discusses, baby crying, smelly diapers, no sleep, foggy brains, forgetful moments, grumpy people, and other things that I cannot talk about in public. 

But my family is planning on a trip to Ravenna, Italy in May, so I will be absent.  And I don't really care about the attendance.  Besides, maybe we'll travel south to Rome and I'll be excused, pardoned, and forgiven by the Pope."

PS  I hope the principal doesn't call me on this "yarn". 
PPS  Perhaps V's Summer Vacation will be used in a Birth Control Pamphlet.
PPPS  Planned Parenthood is on the phone now... gotta go!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Big Glamour DON'T

I like to take walks through a neighboring neighborhood that has a walking trail, a playground, and a lake.  It is a beautiful area of town and a great place to bring the family.  And don't forget to pack some heat.   

However, the park area tends to attract characters at all times of day.  The kind who would definitely be caught on the GLAMOUR DON'T page.  And definitely not in "Runner's World".

Sidenote:  And who created these fashions?  I know the fashion trends are NOT arriving from the European Runways. 

Although the area surrounding this park is really quite lovely, the loveliness cannot be captured in this grey dreary photo... but trust me... it is a lovely area.  However, it is also privy to problems as are all park areas.  Drugs. Murders. Theft. 

I always carry my camera. For photo ops of my children. Not for spying on random people. But I couldn't resist this photo because...

1.  I am supposed to call the police when I spot suspicious activity according to the neighborhood association that I pay annual dues.  (Which I never do)
2.  I never know what is exactly suspicious activity.  Except with the recent neighboring murders, I am trying to be more aware. 
3.  This person stood outside of this home and made a phone call.
4.  I strolled by, minding my own business.
5.  Person went to the East side of home and hid behind a very large bush.  To relieve himself?  To converse in private?  To break-in?  To take a nap?

Conversation with the police:

Me:  "I apologize for calling, but there is a man acting suspicious outside of a home that is not his residence.  And now he has disappeared around the side of the house where there is no obvious entrance unless you count the window."

Police:  "Has he entered the home yet?"

Me:  "I don't know... I have children with me and I am not willing to wait for him." 

Police:  "Well, there isn't anything we can do at this time."

Me:  "Would you like the address so that you can drive by and keep an eye on this home, I feel that the owners would be very appreciative?"

Police:  "No, just give us a call back after he has completed his break-in and has stolen goods in his possession.  And remember, he must be exiting the house, not entering."

PS   according to the 10:00 news, this home was broken into and an undisclosed list of items were stolen.  If anyone has information regarding this incident, please call the police hotline with your anonymous tips. 

Sunday, July 18, 2010

concepts of life

Recently, I have been completely and totally off-schedule.  That is, IF I actually HAD a schedule.  I would have been completely OFF. 

My husband has been home on vacation.  And since I currently cannot travel outside of a twenty mile radius, we had a staycation at home.  Inside our home.  Not downtown at a bed and breakfast.  Not in the country.  I think I will travel to the Maldives when my ten months/280 days are up.  ALONE. 

I am on the verge of NESTING.  But I cannot seem to find the time to NEST.  Because I am too busy cleaning up after several people.  Because I am preoccupied with cooking three meals a day AND for some reason, cereal and chicken nuggets are not a part of this world.  Because I am on bedrest AND I am so NOT complaining. 

So, hubby is NESTING for me with projects that have been written in ink (or blood) on his "Honey-Do" list for two years and two months (NOT that I am actually counting!).  

He is returning to work after a long stay-cay.  And on Sunday -- the eve of his return to working and cubicles and offices and computers and meetings and some other technical analytical words in his world -- he announces, "This will be a sad day when it ends".

I was thinking aloud AGAIN and I accidentally responded, "NOT for some of us". 


I am really looking forward to my inpatient hospital stay.  Maybe I can stay longer?!

OOPS, again.

Friday, July 16, 2010

changes in lattitudes

That about sums up my "THOUGHT FOR THE DAY"!
Enough Said.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

a bottomless pit

what kind of person are you?

And since every person on this planet knows the psychological babble theory behind half-full and half-empty, I assume that 99.9% of the population answers "HALF-FULL" regardless of the way they feel that day.  Because who really wants to admit to paying for therapy because their attitude and life and whole being are really "HALF-EMPTY".  You kind of don't need a therapist for that analysis!  Just "Google" it for free. 

I usually feel like a "full" kind of person (purposefully ignoring the HALF) ... honestly, even on a "trying" kind of day.  Even in a sarcastic sort of way.  "Half-full" is just average.  The big MEDIOCRE.  And who really wants to be JUST average?  Don't we all want to be Above Average?  Some may even strive to be Below Average.  But average... it is just as CLOSE to the BOTTOM as it is to the TOP.  Don't we all really want to be a little closer to the Top? 

So if you are stuck in the empty, there aren't even any stairs to climb out.  But if the glass were half-full or closer to full, you could float around on an inflatable raft... 

And on my raft, I would have the following items within arm's reach:

An ice-filled chest of diet coke 
An endless supply of ripe and juicy watermelon
An engaging summer read
A mist-er, that sprays water at random intervals
A sereness
A calmness
A blue sky
A palmtree skyline
A breeze
A cabana man
Happy music
And no stairs so that I could stay in the pit forever!

Cheers to Happy Pits!  And Cherry Pits!  And Half-Full and Half-Empty Glasses!  Cheers to All of It!


Monday, July 12, 2010

a 4th recap

patriotic painting, parades, pirate's booty (candy loot), sparklers, glowrings, snakes, and fireworks!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

a taste of summer

How about just a plate of tri-colored bell peppers for lunch?
or dinner?
Personally, I think this is so much better than popcorn kebabs!
or marshmallow skewers!
Party menus are on my mind.
Party food is on the menu.

I am sitting here planning a special family celebration.
No surprises.  No gigantic parties.  No gags.

My wonderful husband will soon be celebrating a birthday... a big ONE.
like the big FIVE-OH.

I cannot believe it.
As I am sure he cannot believe it, as well.
He looks great for being two weeks shy of 50.
He looks young.  He acts young.  He thinks young.  Hell, he is young!
I wonder what he will look like in two more weeks!?

And just think, he will be 50 for two weeks before his third girl is born.
Unless, she graces us with early presence.

Ahhhh, the big FIVE-OH.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

a summer fix


A day spent in the sun with old-fashioned fun;  the "slip-n-slide".  Slurping colorful popcicles before they melt into a puddle of rainbow colors.   Sticky hands rinsing away under a green hose.  Laughter echoing in the yard.  Smiles as wide as a dualie. 

(and yes, I have lived in the south for a long time... and I just learned the definition of a dualie.  in fact, I believe I just saw my first one!  never even noticed them before!  dualies seem to be everywhere.)

A great read for sisters:  "Sisters" by David McPhail

PS please follow the enclosed directions and pick up the slip-n-slide when the water is turned off... or else your hubby will come home to a 16 FOOT BURNT PIECE OF GRASS.  BROWN as DEAD.  DEAD as a Doornail.  And the laughter will all be a distant memory!!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

nesting neuroses

Once upon a time, girl meets boy
boy falls in love and proclaims "the one"
so girl falls in love and claims "this is it"

Girl and Boy get married
Buy an old historic home to renovate
and test their "love" during demolition and restoration

Boy wonders where "his space" is placed

Girl informs said boy that he has "a drawer"

And luckily for said boy and small drawers,
said boy gets "two"
side by side
also known as:
The JUNK drawers

Occasionally, girl enters boy space and cleans out the JUNK

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July to All!
Enjoy your day of parades, picnics and pinot!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

A+ for Recycling

ASSIGNMENT:  create something from the Recycle Box and the Junk Drawer.

The results:  a trash-talking-cat

The girls enjoyed minutes of entertainment on this drizzly, rainy day.

PS: the youngest drinks "hot chalky" every morning... regardless of the outdoor and indoor temperature.  Completely unaware that the thermostat registers 91 degrees at 8:45 am.

PPS: Trash Cat has become part of the family.  Trash Cat even took a trip to Target.  A stroll in the stroller.  And Trash Cat has its own seat at the dinner table. 

PPPS:  I am hoping to give Trash Cat back to the recycle bin before trash pick up on Wednesday.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Q: How long is a giraffe's tongue?

And why would I even know the answer to that question?

You see, we are in elementary school.  And every day is a great day in school because we learn the most interesting and mundane and useful and unuseful facts.  Facts that will remain with us forever.  Or, possibly forgotten within a few hours, days or weeks. 

Like Johnny Appleseed's Birthday.  He celebrates on September 26th... but for the life of me, I cannot remember HOW OLD HE IS !!

However, I believe we will always remember the Giraffe Tongue Fact.  We have an art project that replicates a giraffe's tongue!  Very attractive and entertaining!

A:  A Giraffe's Tongue is 18 inches long. 

As we were outdoors, tending to our garden, we discovered our first hidden CUCUMBER.  My oldest daughter was amazed at its size and glory!  She ran inside to find a tape measure.  She returned to measure the newly picked cucumber and announced,


So, that is how we now measure our cucumbers - in relation to a giraffe's tongue.  We will always remember that little tiny piece of trivia!  Thank you, Mrs. P. for teaching us about giraffe's tongues!