Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Life is NOT Fair, take 2.

A totally overused cliche to describe something we WANT but do NOT receive:

bigger boobs

lipo'd thighs

botoxed lips

moneyed trees

Recently I discovered the true meaning of "Life is NOT Fair" when I accompanied my friend, Lander, to divorce court.

Wallace served Lander divorce papers as if she were the recipient of a Surprise 40th Birthday Party. After twenty-two years and two children, Lander was shocked, horrified, and bewildered.

Eight months later, Lander and I took our seats in front of the judge. Lander is in need of child support and alimony.

A few minutes later, a tall, striking woman approaches the bench. Wallace's lawyer? Wallace's new companion? Whoever she is, she is impeccably dressed with a definite air of plastic surgery-ness!

The judge taps her gavel three times (for effect). Lander Raney? Claudia Nicole Raney? Please stand!

I can no longer concentrate on the divorce proceedings. Wallace no longer exists. Wallace is now verified as Claudia Nicole on a social security card. Claudia Nicole has filed bankruptcy. There is NO money available to support their two children, presently or for college. Claudia has spent it ALL, having her "penis" chopped off.

(Lander is over the initial shock, but I am NOT! Claudia is lucky that I am not her ex-to-be. Because I have one word: REVENGE!)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I'm a Happy Mommy, take 2

(sung to the tune of "I'm a Little Teapot")

I'm a happy mommy,
sober or drunk,
Here is my family,
friends and junk,
Don't forget it's mommy's day,
or see my spunk,
Flip you off ... and
stuff in trunk.

written by melissa (for melissa)

Happy Every Day to all mommies, grandmas, great-grandmas, meemaws, mimis, gigis, grannies, grammies, aunts, (female) cousins, sisters, babysitters, nannies, and caretakers.

Enjoy your day -- meant just for you!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

wednesday cleanseday

(minus the photo)

I know it is all because I wanted to take a SELFISH "ME" WEEK...

I wanted to cleanse:  the house, the drawers, the cupboards, the cabinets...

INSTEAD, I got a computer cleanse.


Computer hard drive went down ... big.
Actually, it is still down.

So, my "ME" week was completely interrupted.

And, enjoy some older repeat posts until my life is technologically re-enhanced! 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

it's still a me week.

And according to the rest of the family, the week isn't going so well. 
I am receiving a lot of feedback, but the critiquing tones are not very pleasant. 
As one daughter says, "this is a mighty long week".  I had to remind her that it is only Tuesday.  The second day of the week.  Only three more days to go.
As another daughter says, quite regularly, "meanie, blahhhh!". 
And another daughter states, "I don't like this".  Probably because she is not being fed red dye #21 on a regular dietary basis. 
And hubby, he's hanging in there -- barely.  I have to admit, he still looks good even after sleeping in the kitchen last night. 

Monday, September 19, 2011


Hopefully, you all survived your 5 day revamp week.  We will take a break this week and call it a "me" week.  Well, your week would be a "you" week not a "me" my 'my drivel' kind of week. 

For starters, hubby is in charge of the kids this week.  Morning, Afternoon, and Evening.  From sunup to sundown.  I wonder what he will look like by Friday?  Aw, hell, I wonder what he will look like by Tuesday morning?! 

Who is watching your children this week?!

Friday, September 16, 2011

5. Double Happy

Laugh.  A lot.
Smile.  Often.
Grin.  Always.

It is day five of my "revamp myself" week.  And I want to make sure I am living the Chinese Kanji Symbol of "Double Happiness".   I want to make sure I take several moments throughout my days to "enjoy the small things"... a meltdown, a tantrum, a scream from the discomfort of incoming teeth, a scornful look from the mommy mafia, a mumsy once-over from the Jones', or a glass of spilled milk. 

Because reality is... I will never have the opportunity to live this day over.  This exact moment in time will quickly become a part of the past. 

So, readers and friends...

EMBRACE today!
EMBRACE your life!
EMBRACE where you stand at this moment!



Thursday, September 15, 2011

4. Retail Therapy

Day 4.
Have you taken Jill Martin's advice yet by ridding your closets by 75%?

You will feel so liberated and so depleted and so excited to indulge in some pick-me-up-retail-therapy!  Although I am not sure this was Jill's idea behind disposing of 75% of your clothing.  I am quite sure she said to wear the 25% that is already in your closet.  So, people, let's go fill another trashbag to donate. 
And then we can do some "GUILTY-FREE" shopping! 

New Jeans?  Jill says that if you hardly ever wear jeans, then you ONLY need 2 pair!  But what about all of the Jean-Mamas who live in daily denim?!  And we don't want to wear the MOM jeans!
I say, LEVIS for everyday.  And "Not Your Daughter's Jeans" for any mommy over 40.  And "Sevens" ... are those still in?

Boots.  I have my several pair selected.

Peacoats.  Tan.  Navy.

A new scarf.  I am loving me some PASHMINAs!

But, Don't Forget to Accessorize with New Handbags!  Make it a Ginormous, Huge, Fantastically Large handbag.  Because take it from me...this is some darn good advice:

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

3. Know thyself

DAY 3.

With the year 2011 three-quarters behind us... resolutions long forgotten, diets long started and ceased, exercise regimens long readjusted... let's devote today to know thyself - thy true self. 

So you know you are never going to go to the fitness center on a daily basis, then do something that you will do daily -- wii fitness, take a walk, abs of steel dvd, or INSANITY. 

Make your list today. 


A.   Thrives on organization
      1.  develop a laundry system... I am SOOOO tired of washing clean clothing.
      2.  post a sign on dryer: 
      3.  post a sign on dishwasher:

B.   Creates an idea-oriented home... use art supplies to create, create, create.  Perhaps even attack that large stack of fabric!

C.   Maintains an active lifestyle for self and family... do something fun and active everyday.  Take a walk Monday.  Or Tennis lobbing Tuesday.  Shuffling Wednesdays.  Obstacle course Thursdays.  Imbibing Fridays.  Just Wii Dance Saturdays.  Sleeping Sundays.  j-u-s-t-d-o-s-o-m-e-t-h-i-n-g.

D.   Cleans house only when absolutely necessary... get maid to come more often for less money. 

E.    Drinks well with others!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

2. build chrysalis

Autumn is upon us.

Attack your to-do lists. 
Accomplish your lists of someday I will get around to this.
Finish your unfinished projects.

So, DAY 2 is build a chrysalis (this word is so much more fun than "cocoon").
And emerge next spring, as a gorgeous butterfly. 

Or at least a very organized butterfly who needs new projects.  and new lists.  and a new life, perhaps.  ha ha ha. 

I don't know what I was thinking but I have given up all WHITE CARBS.  OH, BROWN CARBS, TOO. 
So, if I seem a bit scattered, delusional, nonsensical -- it is due to the "LACK OF CARBS I CRAVE" effect.

I gave them up ... not to lose weight but to give me more energy.  I tend to eat a lot of carbs, good - bad - or indifferent.  You know, cereal and toast for breakfast.  A sandwich for lunch.  Pasta and a salad for dinner.  So there you have it -- a carb addict in her glory. 

So nary a carb goes into my body unless it is from a vegetable, a bean, or a fruit family.   Not even a whole wheat carb goes into my body. 

And I feel great.  I glow.  I have so much energy I can run neverstopping laps from 5am to 11pm. In fact, I am driving my husband NUTS.  I never sit down.  I should surely be able to build my autumnal chrysalis without any doubt and finish all my projects by the springtime.

So GO FORTH and BUILD your CHRYSALIS with or without CARBS -- it is your choice!  I will be going forth carbless.

Monday, September 12, 2011

1. clean pantry

Moving forward.  I am on a FIVE DAY CLEANSE.  A Clutter Cleanse. 

Day 1.

I am replacing bottles with cans sippy cups (for baby).  It allows me to reorganize the pantry.  Well, ONE shelf, anyway.

As I was organizing, I realized that I am lacking important kitchen utensils like "MOMMY SIPPY CUPS"! 

Must get to Target right away.  Or Pottery Barn.  Or Anywhere that sells Mommy sippy cups. 

Sunday, September 11, 2011


Let us all take a moment to pause and reflect and remember today.  And what happened to our land, our friends, our families, and our lives... ten years ago today.

after your pause...
Can you identify the hidden object in the following photo?

Friday, September 9, 2011

The "281". 

You go out to a club thinking you are definitely an 8, perhaps a close 10 with your new black stretch pants, oversized "benetton" sweater, and ankle boots (circa 1984).  And he is styling in his new "structure" vest, 501 levis and black reebok hightops (once again, 1984). 

You take one look and give him a high 2.

After slamming shots with your sisters, brothers, best friends, second best friends, runner ups, and acquaintances... you take another look at "him" and he is closing in on a high 8. 

And then...
after a few sloppy dog kisses that sober you up -- instantly -- like a pot of black coffee,
Oh, shit!
He's a total ONE!

OMG, did anybody just see me swapping spit with that dude?

AND more importantly "WHERE did all the Benettons in America go?"

Thursday, September 8, 2011

"mommy, mommy"

Mommy, Mommy -- not so ordinary
How did your day go??

With a silver can
It all began

I went for a ginger-ale
Took a big gulp and went pale

At 9:00 am, Do YOU KNOW WHAT is in YOUR CAN of a refreshing beverage?
This is what was in my can: 

PS look before drink!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


five hundred.  onehundred times five.  twohundredandfifty times two.  this is my five hundredth drivelish post. 

five hundred.  wow-za!  yay!  holy cow (for all my friends from India -- the country)! 

Happy Anniversary!

And for all my readers, I give you all five-hundred-post-old edible undies!  Don't forget to read the "fine print".  The wording makes me laugh!  I hope you all have a good laugh today!  Screw laugh lines, the rest of your body will enjoy the rejuvenating laughter... that is what keeps us young (even if you look OLD!)!!!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labour of Love

Happy Labor Day to All!  Enjoy your day off of everything!  No work, no housework, no chores, no errands, no bills to pay, no cooking, no to-do lists.... just sit and do nothing.  Well, maybe throw in a sit-up or two ...

Sunday, September 4, 2011

why doesn't this work for me?

I wish I could play possum... effectively. 

I silently lay upon my pillow, covers pulled up to my nose, and heavy snory breathing.   But it never fails that someone in my family always wakes me up.  On the one day that I get to sleep until 6:45am instead of 5:45am. 

The day I get to play possum... is the day I won't be playing. 

And on that note, I would much rather be stirred awake by someone in my family. 

Sleep is overrated!

Just keep me caffeinated!

Thank you, God, for supplying three McDonald's restaurants in a 2 mile radius so that I may quickly rejuvenate with $1 Diet Cokes and $1 Coffees... all day long!

PS  This possum lives in my fig tree. 

Friday, September 2, 2011

change did not go well...

So... the http:// remains the same as it was before all the forewarnings.  UGH...  nothing is as easy as it seems in blog world.




I hope you have not made the minor change!  You are still at:

No, I have not been on a much-needed-wanted-desired vacation to India or Russia or Indonesia.  Although those destinations all sound fabulous.   I was just giving my parents and two readers ample time to note the change and make the change.  That didn't change... because all my posts would be lost. UGH.

Now that you are all here.


I swear I stopped eating before slumbering... so what happens last night??  Another dream!  Frankly, every sleeper dreams every night... it's just whether we remember our fantasies or not.  Perhaps it is the FOOD that makes me recall my dreams... because I know for a fact that I have dreamt for the last xxxx whole lotta years and I have never remembered any dreams.  

Get this one:

I was inhaling and exhaling and huffing and puffing as fast as I could... SMOKING!  CIGARETTES!  Oh My God!  I was practicing how to smoke.  What drags appeared the coolest (in front of a mirror).  And then simultaneously smoking while chewing gum so I could hide the smell.  Then smoking while driving with the window down so I could tap my ashes out the window... well actually the entire cigarette fell out the window.  Then I zoomed away as fast as I could from the other surrounding vehicles because I did not want my unextinguished cigarette to blow up some person's gas and/or oil leaking non-emission-passing-failed-inspection vehicle. 

And the dream came about all because of a trip to a general surgeon where upon I was asked FIVE times if I was a smoker.  The first time I said "NO".  And by the fifth time I said "NOT YET".  I was having my hernia consulted.  And I thought, "what does smoking have to do with a hernia?"  Surely, I haven't been lifting 75 cartons of cigarettes. 

Well, I never got my answer to the hernia-smoking relationship. 

And I don't even know how I got my dream cigarette lit because "I am afraid of matches and lighters"!  YUP, that's right... I don't even light candles! 

So, there's something that you didn't know about me.  Shhh!  It's a secret!

Thursday, September 1, 2011



Dear Mom and Dad (and my two other readers):

Please note the upcoming change:

... there is no change ...
... there is no change ...