From Mommy's Mouth?

SUPER PAPER STORE A has opened their doors to the PUBLIC!  ME!  ME!  ME!  The paper store is moving office/work space and I get to SHOP their MOVING SALE!  ME! 

I don't have to drive 20 minutes to buy invitations/thank you cards/labels/stationary/cards!  I don't have to dread going into the RETAIL store and buying ONE INVITATION at $2.20!   I have the opportunity to buy the whole damn box for $3.00. 

THANK YOU SUPER PAPER STORE A!

So, on my THIRD visit in 30 hours... I took the oldest daughter... the one with the most opinions.  The most stubborn one.  I wanted to make sure she selected her OWN invitations.  I didn't want to hear any complaining regarding her upcoming festivities. 

Oldest opinionated daughter selected a few more boxes of invitations... ones that I had overlooked.  Like the pizza/coke invitation in case we have a "Chuck E. Cheese" party for number three.  Or the "Maracas" for the Cinco de Mayo party we could have.  Or the "Giraffes" for the Zoo party we could have. 

As we loaded yet another bag of invitations into the car, I hesitated and thought about going back inside... I announced to stubborn daughter, "Do you think we should get the Camo/Dog Tag invitations - just in case"? 

Daughter studies my face and quietly says, "dammit!  I knew we should have bought those, too!"

I looked at her.  Obviously with SURPRISE!  My eyes dilated.  My mouth corners turned up (I couldn't help it).  And she announces...

"MOM, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD STOP TEACHING ME THOSE WORDS... I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO USE THEM.  AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO USE THEM IF YOU DIDN'T TEACH ME THEM!!!" 

the derivational suffix

(Although this is an English lesson, due to the excessive use of ONE word ... this is rated PG-18 ... only for those who are eighteen and older ... and for those who do not easily pass judgement!)

The word of the month. A root word. A suffix. The word tends to flow freely from my lips as if i am reciting a beloved poem. It rolls off sweetly as if i am whispering the words "I Love You". Clearly, it just comes spewing from my mouth. I believe I was weaned on the word.

Ass. Not as in a body part (noun): bum, bottom, rear, behind, butt. Not as in a long-eared mammal. Yet, as in reference to a person (noun) or that person's action (verb).

My dictionary containing the profanity root word ass and its appropriate derivational suffix:

-ise; to make. assise. to make an ass. Please do not assise yourself in public.

-est; the most. assest. the most ass. Drunk friend C was the assest at happy hour.

-less; without. assless. without ass. Refering to one's junk in the trunk, "I'm not assless".

-ment; result, act of. assment. act of assing. The assment was inappropriate in public.

-ness; state of. assness. state of being an ass. Shopper lady's assness was unnecessary!

-ful; full of. assful. full of ass. What an assful one-sided conversation!

-ly; like. assly. like an ass. Another assly pick-up line!

-ify; to make. assify. to make an ass. See -ise: Please do not assify yourself in public.

-ism; belief, manner. assism. a belief in ass. Realism or assism, is it a fine line?

-ist; doer, dealer. assist. to be an ass. The ass- ist was busy pontificating.

-al; pertaining to, relating to. assal. to pertain to the ass. The assal's refusal was annoying.

-ology; study, science, theory. assology. the study of ass. The available online courses are biology, chemistry and assology.

-ity; state of, quality. assity. the quality of ass. His personality and assity is showing!

-hood; order, quality. asshood. the order of asses. This brotherhood of asshood is going to the dogs.

My dictionary using ass as the derivational suffix (without a precise definition, but all listeners understand its meaning): the most common verbiage heard in today's language. These derogatory words should only be used in the privacy of one's car, known as "car words". These car word expletives are necessary for keeping oneself sane. And once outside of the car, the smoke rises and all niceness returns to the tip of one's tongue.

dumb-ass, jack-ass, stupid-ass, freak-ass, lazy-ass, jerk-ass, crazy-ass, loser-ass, smart-ass, pompous-ass, skinny-ass, fat-ass, and insert-your-own-word + ass.