another year?

anniversaries are like birthdays... they keep coming.  even if you are single, anniversaries keep coming.  you know, three years since the divorce.  two years since last boyfriend.  one year since last romantic interlude (yes, code for ... you know).   and the anniversary traditional gift list should be for the married and the single.  because really, who wants what's on that list anyhow?  if you're single, you can buy yourself a gift - one that you actually want.  and if you're married, you can ... i don't know ... compromise!?!

First - paper
(I think this means:  GIVE ME SOME MONEY!!  I AM TIRED OF SHARING!)
[singletons:  GIVE ME SOME MONEY!!!  quite universal]

Second - cotton
(Is it GRANNY PANTY season already???  The honeymoon really is OVER!)
[singletons:  new clothes because i am sitting at the bar, listening to my favorite song on K13]

Third - leather
(Don't buy that WHIP!!!  I want a trip to Italy!)
[singletons:  leather pants, leather mini, leather thong... woo hoo!]

Fourth - fruit/flowers
(What's that?  a blossoming peach tree?)
[singletons:  yes, i'll buy my own damn flowers!]

Fifth - wood
(Honey, yes, I really do LOVE that 6 foot carved totem pole you created with all our heads!)
[singletons:  money - it does grow on trees!]

Sixth - candy
(Don't even think about it... but what it really means, I think, is to go somewhere that is like going to a candy store and that place is called NEW YORK CITY!)
[singletons:  yes, i can eat candy for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert without guilt!]

Seventh - copper
(Only if it cost a LOT of pennies ... like at least 100,000 pennies!)
[singletons:  MONEY]

Eighth - bronze
(that translates as a trip to Tahiti, honest, it is the best place to receive bronzed skin!)
[singletons:  fake and bake!]

Ninth - pottery
(time to replace the kitchen and its dishes/utensils ... because once you replace the dishes, you will need a new kitchen in which to 'house' your wares.)
[singletons:  piggy bank]

Tenth - tin
(no, we are not wisking away to OZ ... maybe they want us to drink more caffeine and alcohol!)
[singletons:  beer]

Eleventh - steel
(the steel doors to replace the wooden doors so that we can lock each other inside when their is an "ITCH" going on.)
[singletons:  Everclear!  steel:tin as everclear:beer]

Twelfth - silk
(self explanatory ... to cure the ITCH.)
[singletons:  SILK, lots of SILK - sheets, pillow cases, eye masks, robes, blankets, pajamas, boxers, thongs]

Thirteenth - lace
(self explanatory ... still curing the ITCH.  BUT I don't think men should don lace.)
[singletons:  fredericks or victoria's? red or black? alot or alittle?]

Fourteenth - ivory
(isn't that illegal?)
[singletons:  not white!]

Fifteenth - crystal
(isn't that illegal, too?  But I will take that trip to Barneys for new stemware)
[singletons:  scotch comes in crystal?]

Sixteenth to Nineteenth - ignored, not acknowledged, must be crises years.
[singletons:  not ignored - botox, restylane, lipo, tummy tuck]

Twentieth - china
(are we too old to travel to the far east?)
[singletons:  trade china and other valuables in for new sports car]

Twenty-first to Twenty-fourth - once again, ignored.  unaccounted for.
[singletons:  not ignored, adding to list - butt lift, more lipo, face lift, eye lift]

Twenty-fifth - silver
(there is a silver lining!)

Networkers

Don't you just hate meetings.   Don't you just hate meetings that waste your time.  your energy.  your listening skills.  your attention span.  your good mood.  your caffeine. 

"Good Morning, everyone.  And thank you for coming on this dreary fall day," says the meeting host.

"Before we get to the recording of minutes... we have some unofficial business to discuss."

"Who is available to host, volunteer, donate prizes, set-up, or clean-up for 'Casino Night'?" 

"I will.  Last year, it was such a drunk fest.  'So-n-So' hooked up with 'So-n-So's' brother." 

"No.  way.  I thought 'So-n-So' was with Mr. Y since he is the HOT new divorced dad on campus."

"He is?  What happened to Mrs. Y?  Didn't she just get back from Argentina with her newly plastic surgeried nose, eyes, buttocks, and chin?"

"She went back to Argentina ... to live with the doctor.  Mr. Y didn't waste time to go out 'lookin' - I heard he was tired of Mrs. Y and her 3 ex-husbands anyway." 

"Excuse me, what type of prizes are you requesting for the tables and the silent auction?"

"Last year, the top prize was two 50-yard line tickets to the Panthers.  And Mrs. R bid $3500.  But Mrs. L outbid her at $5600.  Apparently this wasn't about the Panthers.  It was about Mrs. R sleeping with Mr. L." 

"Mrs. L has been on a rampage... she sold Mr. L's car and bought herself a new Mercedes.  She even tried to put the house up for sale but she couldn't find the deed before Mr. L arrived home."

"Excuse me, when exactly is this 'Casino Night'?

"It's on Friday, November 20th.  Last year, it was held in February.  But we thought all of the parents should get together before February.  Mrs. B had put in a request for November because the end of the year is too late to start anything."

"Start what?" 

"Oh, Mrs. T, have some more coffee.  This really isn't about 'Casino Night'."

Coffee in an IV won't cure this.  Don't get me wrong, I love to discuss people I loathe.  Just not people I know nothing about!

Back to my project ...

I have been shopping NON-stop.  All day in stores.  All night on-line. 

I scored ANAVINI dresses at Boutique S.  Can you believe it?  ANAVINI easily cost $80 per dress.  [Husband if you are reading this, that is probably a typo, I know I said they only cost about $8 - but that was for one sleeve.] 

ANAVINI on sale.  ANAVINI at 75% off.  I bought a lot of ANAVINI today!  Baby P needs some pretty dresses to detract from her forehead gash and scar. 

SQUEAKY SHOES... LOVE THEM!  I bought pink size 6, brown size 7, black size 8 and white size 9.  When your toddler walks, the shoes SQUEAK!  LOVE THEM!  And Baby P will probably hate them by the time she gets to size 8.

LILY PULITZER for everyone in the house [minus hubby - pink and green are so NOT his colors].  Who can resist the preppy colors and fabrics of LILY?  It's like being on vacation all the time!  So many nights I just dream of the ocean... and then I get attacked by a shark [but it's really just the cat biting and pulling the skin between my knuckles!].

Don't forget the catalogs that arrive at 12:30 everyday.  Aaahhhh.  Should I order completely unnecessary winter gear from Lands End or LLBean?  Is there Free Shipping at Chasing Fireflies to offset their printed prices?  Need any home decor from Horchow?  Any birthday crap from Birthday Express?  Is that a 10% off at Posh Tots? 

I ordered printed Christmas Wrapping Paper.  Its implied monogram really says, "this cost money, rip open with care from the T family".  And monogrammed ribbon.  And personalized labels.  And personalized envelope seals.  And personalized toilet paper (not really, but if they had it - I may have considered it). 

Ahhh, euphoric shopping.  I have 77 days left until the start of my NO SHOPPING for ONE YEAR project begins!  That is 11 weeks.  NO, I am not going to continue to go crazy with more shopping.  I am just trying to finish my to-do list before I AM DENIED (by my own will) the process of shopping.  My husband is anxiously awaiting December 1st.

Is Age Really Just a Number?

Recently I attended a "Bow Soiree".   A Bow Party.  Hairbows.  Ribbons.  Grosgrain.  Cute.  Preppy.  A lot of PINK.  A lot of cuteness!  Kind of like a cropping party for scrapbookers.  But this one was for hairbow making.  Sharing ribbon mix ideas.  Sharing stories.  All mommies.  No one knew each other prior to this Bow Meeting. 

Well, basically it was just a bunch of mommies with little girls who want to CUTIFY their darlings with the most adorable (= expensive) dresses, shoes, and matching BOWS. 

You can never have too many HAIR BOWS. 

Conversations could be heard:  "You have 105.  Well I must have 110."  "I have two girls.  One with hair.  And one without!"  "I have paid 18 dollars for my most expensive hairbow."  "Well, my most expensive was from Nordstroms and it was on-sale for 15 dollars."  "Does Neimans sell hairbows?"  "How about Boutique B... too cute!?"  And so the three hour conversation went...

Until... the wine started flowing and the conversation veered away from our cutest little girls.  The conversation took a Sharp Right and landed in the DITCH of "Let's Talk About Ourselves"!!! 

So, the Bow Soiree Coordinator happened to enjoy this DITCH of HELL ... as she began (ad nauseum).  She wanted every other woman to know that she was only 23.  Good God, I could be her Mother.  Yup! 

Then another woman spoke up and said, "Well I have you all beat.  I'm 41."   I choked.  And, I silently bowed my head and thanked God for making me look younger.

Two more late twenty-somethings spoke up and claimed their NUMBER.  Hell, they were born while I was sitting in a boring Macroeconomics class. 

A couple of early thirty-somethings proudly announced their NUMBER.  I feel like we're standing in line at the Department of Transportation where you have to have a number before you are helped.  I gulped.  I acted like I was really busy studying ribbon combinations. 

Finally, Bow Soiree Coordinator glanced over at me...  UH-OH!  I'm in denial.  How old should I be?  What number hasn't been taken?  55?  26?  73?  Believable?  Damn smile lines. 

"Hearing you all talk, I thought I was 28!  Then I realized that I am not ... had to add it up because I sure don't feel like I am really 4+!"  

SILENCE.

Shit, there go playdates.  Guess they didn't want others to think they were out with their MOM!  

Home Maid III

So, there I sat at nine months and 5 days pg. And I had 3 weeks and 2 days to go. For those of you who are clueless or easily misled, pregnancy is 280 days which equals 10 months which means the completion of the ninth month. No, we pregger women don't get to reach the ninth month and rejoice... we have to complete the entire 4 weeks within that month. UGH!

I was still desperately seeking cleaning help. I started perusing classifieds in four different newspapers. I started surfing local classifieds. I called and begged friends. Apparently, nobody likes to SHARE their house cleaner. OR maybe you REALLY don't have one! HA! I even hauled my big belly to the corner and held a big sign that said, "Houseful ... of crap, Please help me clean it!" Nobody called. Well, actually, one person called but since he was already drunk I didn't think that would help my house situation.

Husband arrived at home to more dirt and mess. Surely, he isn't BLIND. Or oblivious. Or POLITE.

I handed him a bucket, sponge, cleaner, toilet brush, more cleaner, rags and a Coors Light.

He incredulously asked, "What's this for?"

"Um, I-dunno, maybe you can wash dishes? Or scrub the pool tiles? Or take one of the bathrooms?

Husband drank Coors. Husband misplaced cleaning supplies. Husband has disappeared.

definition of pining...

pining (v) 1. to suffer intense longing or yearning. 2. to wither or waste away from longing or grief. 3. intense grieving, mourning, or longing.

Boyfriend Z, Boyfriend's parents, and I were out to dinner. I was new to the workforce. I was new to the area. I was new to this particular family. I was new to the feeling of hatred!

Father-in-law wannabe announced, "I see you are PINING for my son."

Stunned into silence me could only utter, "HUH?"

Father-in-law wannabe continued, "You see, we like you better than Ex-A, Ex-B, and Ex-C. So please don't screw this up!"

Flabbergasted me wanted to PUKE, "What?"

"Honey," said Mother-in-law wannabe, "Can't you see, SHE doesn't know what PINING means? Oh, and son, she is of good size - she will never get FAT by eating greens - and she can always get silicone implants. (But make sure she gets them before you two get engaged so we don't have to pay for this one, you know I am still paying off the last girl's.)"

Silent me shouted in my head, "You all are Friggin' LUNATICS!"

Boyfriend Z just sat there like the A$$ hole that he was (and is, I'm sure). He loved the ridicule. He loved the one-sided banter. He flunked out of college and received pleasure by making others feel DUMB.

I remained in my seat throughout that long meal and never commented.

So here's my chance:

"HEY Z FAMILY ... I responded with WHAT because, frankly, I was speechless! I know what the freakin' PINING word MEANS. It just happens that I can't believe I sat there and took your ABUSE. Yes, ABUSE. And by the way, I am the one laughing now!

Father-in-law wannabe: You're a bitter old man who hasn't gotten "ANY" in years! Perhaps you actually meant to use the word PINNING. As in, my son is trying to pin a wife so people don't assume he is gay!

Mother-in-law wannabe: You're ONLY married because FATTY has MONEY!!

And as for you, Boyfriend Z: YOU ARE FAT AND BALD AND STILL A LOSER LIVING WITH MOMMY AND DADDY! AND STOP GOOGLING ME!!!! I can still finish a 100 mile bike race faster than you. I can run faster than you. I am still smarter than you. I still have more degrees than you. I still have smaller boobies than you. You are still competing with me, but go ahead because you will NEVER win! I don't need to google you (I have an acquaintance who occasionally fills me in on your one-sided competition with me). And I am still laughing!"

Excessive Nature

I just drove 3 hours roundtrip to buy ... placemats. Round. Blue. Ruffled. Adorable. Perfect shade. Excellent price.

Shipping was not an option. Even after begging. Pleading. Even after six phone calls to six different sales' associates. Claiming pregnancy, with TWINS, on 90% bedrest. NOT an OPTION.

Regular price would have cost me $80. Yes, that's right. Yikes. How would I explain that charge?

So, I found them on sale. $15. And some change. Total cost for ten.

Gas, miles driven, gallons depleted, vehicle wear and tear... haven't figured those numbers out yet. Probably won't. Probably doesn't even add up to the $65 I saved. Probably still saved. Besides, who cares? And, the bottom line is: I have my beautiful placemats.

I gushed with enthusiasm at my find. The sales' associate remained politely aloof, yet, she wondered ALOUD when my TWINS were due!? [Oops, I would have to get that sales' associate!]

Well, I am currently using my 10% non-bedrest time to buy THESE placemats. The TWINS are due in four weeks (week 36) because the Doctor will induce. AND, I am not showing much since I haven't gained any weight because I have been vomiting for 32 weeks thus far, plus, I just started FAT.

Sales' associate had no further comments as she bid me farewell.

I must buy now because my project date will be beginning soon and I don't want to have to 'ruin' my yearlong experiment by having to splurge on placemats. Which are neither depletable or disposable.

Binge and Purge

I have an idea... an experiment... a thought... a project... a triumph... a disaster!

Although, I am not sure when to begin. My project will last one year. I have to pick the perfect date. I have to choose the exact moment. I have to think through all of the logistics. I have to redefine 'depletables' and 'disposables'.

Until I get my project under way, I will be excessive. Shopping. Drinking. Gluttonying.

Here's to exorbitant limited conditions!

100

red jelly beans? 100 ounces? 100 minutes of peace and quiet? 100 freckles? 100 pages? 100 post-it notes? 100 t-shirts? 100 pennies? 100 steps to the mailbox? 100 idle seconds til I hear the word "MOM"? 100 repetitions of squats? 100 pistachios? 100 ...

100 blog posts!

100 days of writing... of releasing words... of mindless drivel.

Should've been a Cowgirl

Should've learned to rope and ride
Wearin' my Wranglers, ridin' my burro on a cattle drive

Stealin' those young guys weapons
Shootin' and Ridin' with my ten gallon stetson

Had a side kick with a funny name
Shirley Temple wasn't up for this Western game

Go West young girl
Before you get old, Texas is full of men and oil

Sleepin out all night amid those West Texas hills
Kickin off my boots and passin out against my wills

Should've been a Cowgirl!

Assuming is a very bad thing

ESPECIALLY IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST, LUNCH OR DINNER!

I am not much of a cook, let alone a 'short-order' cook. I don't even pretend to be! If you come to our house... you'll probably be served the same thing you had last time. And the time before that. And the time before that.

Please don't ask my children what are their favorite foods... you may be surprised to learn that their favorites include: salmon, shrimp, tofu, spring rolls, edamame (please pronounce it 'ay-dah-mah-may'), tilapia and broccoli.

Shhhh! Now you know my secret (I really do cook) but it is better to pretend I don't - so you won't want to come and visit us!

It's not even September...

And the talk around school is... Halloween Costumes! Already. Seriously.

Can't it wait another month? Or another six weeks? Halloween?! We still have 4th of July paraphernalia hanging on the front door. We still light snakes on the sidewalk at night (leftover from the 4th).

The children are excited by the selection of costumes available in August. And they will be definitely less excited by their available choices in October.

What happened to making your own costume? Like, being a "Gypsy" or an "American Indian" or a "Hobo" for the fifth year in a row? There weren't a whole lot of choices back in my 'trick or treating' days. And it wasn't THAT long ago.

The girls are thinking of "OZ"... one will be Dorothy, one will be the Scarecrow and the other one will be the New Toto.

And, hopefully, a "little" costume for mommy - as she hands out candy to all the neighborhood children. At least, Daddy will be happy.