Just one more hour...

are you sleeping, are you sleeping
mommy dear, mommy dear
babies cries are deafening, babies cries are deafening
boo hoo wah
bin ky now

are you cooking, are you cooking
mommy dear, mommy dear
everyone is starving, everyone is starving
chop stir mix
feed your self

are you cleaning, are you cleaning
mommy dear, mommy dear
house is a dirtying, house is a dirtying
dust dirt grime
kiss my a$$

are you writing, are you writing
mommy dear, mommy dear
my life is driveling, my life is driveling
blah blah blah
yak yak yak

are you listening, are you listening
mommy dear, mommy dear
y'all are annoying, y'all are annoying
nag nag gripe
ir ri tate

are you hiding, are you hiding
mommy dear, mommy dear
family time is pending, family time is pending
go a way
far a way

are you imbibing, are you imbibing
mommy dear, mommy dear
i continue drunking, i continue drunking
gulp guzzle gulp
beer wine beer

(sung to "are you sleeping, brother john")

liberal vs. conservative

conservative: adj 1: so 'close minded' your brain has swollen up?

Thought of the day...
Why does a person have to be labeled a liberal or a conservative?
Why can't one be a liberalized conservative? You know, a Republican voting, tongue-ringed, tattooed, traditional-valued, chauvinist/feminist!

"Tinkle, Tinkle" (sung to "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star)

Tinkle, Tinkle on the seat,
On the floor and on your feet,
How you miss the bowl, you fool,
but tinkle in the tub and pool!

... written for all boys in honor of the torrential rains were experiencing in the south!

Life is NOT Fair

A totally overused cliche to describe something we WANT but do NOT receive:

bigger boobs
lipo'd thighs
botoxed lips
moneyed trees

Recently I discovered the true meaning of "Life is NOT Fair" when I accompanied my friend, Lander, to divorce court.

Wallace served Lander divorce papers as if she were the recipient of a Surprise 40th Birthday Party. After twenty-two years and two children, Lander was shocked, horrified, and bewildered.

Eight months later, Lander and I took our seats in front of the judge. Lander is in need of child support and alimony.

A few minutes later, a tall, striking woman approaches the bench. Wallace's lawyer? Wallace's new companion? Whoever she is, she is impeccably dressed with a definite air of plastic surgery-ness!

The judge taps her gavel three times (for effect). Lander Raney? Claudia Nicole Raney? Please stand!

I can no longer concentrate on the divorce proceedings. Wallace no longer exists. Wallace is now verified as Claudia Nicole on a social security card. Claudia Nicole has filed bankruptcy. There is NO money available to support their two children, presently or for college. Claudia has spent it ALL, having her "penis" chopped off.

(Lander is over the initial shock, but I am NOT! Claudia is lucky that I am not her ex-to-be. Because I have one word: REVENGE!)

NOT a Hallmark

To Someone Special
On Her Birthday
Hope your day is filled
with fun and laughter.

"Enjoy your spending money!" from Granny

The envelope was empty, yet addressed to me on my birthday. And I don't even have a "Granny". (But I do know who the card was from and I do believe it was NOT a joke.)

In our household, this card has become the "Birthday" joke. In distasteful humor, we now mail empty birthday cards to family members and friends with the insincere greeting "Enjoy your spending money!"

Ten months have passed. Sixteen cards have been mailed and delivered. One thank you note received (for the nonexistent birthday money). One familial suggestion of "gift cards" for children's birthdays. Zero phone calls have been received.

Why won't anyone call and claim their forgotten birthday money???

natural habitation

Strolling in an amazing zoo, I pause for a photo opportunity.

"Oh, NO!" shouts my four year old. "He's eating my crackers!"

Head down, I continue to fiddle with my camera; lenses and settings, and I wonder why I have to reprimand another adult. "Please do not eat your daughter's snacks. That is all I have with us!"

"What?"

"What, what?"

"Mommy, Daddy, get them out!"











Lemurs on the Loose, "I like to move it, move it"!, as daughter vacates seat.

detoxification

I am craving. I am wanting. I am desperate. I am lonely. I am needing. I am wishing. I am hoping. I am desiring. I am detoxing.

Diet coke, people!

It has been six very long hours. Perhaps if I just resort to staying in bed, then the desire will dissipate. Has anyone ever been bed-ridden due to a caffeine-detox?

I admitted myself to the detox house after I found myself rising from a deep sleep at 3:47 am to go and slam an eight ounce Diet Coke (in the dark kitchen, ALONE).

And the day got worse. At 5:56 am, I had my first twelve ounce Diet Coke because I convinced myself that the 3:47 Diet Coke was a "DREAM".

At 10:16 am, I started my list of errands. But before I could REALLY begin, I had to stop at the convenience store for a 32 ounce Diet Coke (because for the next thirty days, the 32 ounce drinks are ONLY 49 cents!). I have a talent for making this large drink last. I took my last sip at 2:37 pm.

At 3:37 pm, I felt as IF I was slipping into a non-caffeinated abyss. I impatiently waited for the craving to fade. I chewed off eight of my ten finger nails. At 5:18 pm, I caved. I opened a twenty ounce bottle of Diet Coke (that I bought at Target on one of my errands -- just in case, but with the sincere thought of drinking it the following day).

By 9:12 pm, I was wired. I ran for an hour on the treadmill. I organized my daughter's birthday photos. I cleaned out the junk drawer (which really isn't a junk drawer because I have OCD). I reorganized the toy box. I mended all the shirts in my pile that had missing buttons. And by 3:33 am, I was finally able to admit that I was tired.

At 6:30 am, a mere three hours later, the children were awake and ready to go for the day. But not ME. I could barely lift one eyelid. I swayed in bed, pondering yesterday's caffeine consumption, when I realized that I have a caffeine hang-over. Total: 72 ounces. That is a hell of a lot of Diet Coke.

If I can make it through today without a single drop of Diet Coke, then I might make it through Detoxification.

Response from Nescafe

Nescafe actually acknowledged my email request for 3-in-1 Strong. Maybe there is HOPE!

June 5, 2009
Dear Melissa,
Thank you for contacting Nestlé® on the Internet regarding availability. We welcome questions and comments from our consumers.
Each Nestlé market evaluates whether a product has the potential to be successful in their country in light of local consumer preferences. Nescafe 3-in-1 Strong is not currently distributed or sold in the United States by Nestlé USA. Although Nestlé does not offer direct sales, you may be able to search the Internet for sites that may offer foreign Nestlé products for direct purchase.
Our company strives to offer quality products and packaging to the greatest number of customers possible. We will report your comments to our marketing personnel.
We appreciate your interest in our products.
Sincerely,
Consumer Response Representative Ref: xxxxxxxxx

OR maybe not. Mommy brain has taken over both hemispheres and it never occurred to me to GOOGLE! I just bypassed the GOOGLE brainchild and went directly to Nescafe... who, more or less, reminded me to use my BRAIN! I located some 3-in-1 but it is from the Asia consumer market. And I know Europe and Asia are not the same continents. So, the 3-in-1 probably IS different. But considering I am completely depleted of my 3-in-1 stash ... the Asia Market may be better than NOTHING.

NOT the Orient Express

Cami and Missy, cousins, are boarding a train in Copenhagen bound for Munchen. They select a seat, a comfortably affordable seat despite their state of unemployment. (A seat on an overnight train costs considerably less than a night in a guesthouse.) One seat in a group of six. Six seats in a little room with a glass sliding door and one window. A seat for sitting upright for the next ten and one-half hours.

The remaining four seats quickly fill. Two French men enter together. One Dutch man. And one man from Senegal. All six riders stare out the window in an uncomfortable silence. Not really sure why it is uncomfortable except for the fact that they are all strangers in a very small compartment together. (Perhaps it is the unknown and untimed bodily functions that may cause embarrassment!)

Silence.

The train begins to slowly depart from the station. Picking up speed as they jut out into the sunset. No showers and no toothbrushing as the journey begins and looks forward to a six o'clock morning arrival.

Cami opens up her backpack to reveal a Carlsberg. Missy opens her backpack to display another Carlsberg. The four men stare at the girls. "What? This is dinner."

Then, one by one, the four men are opening their bags to produce their favorite traveling beverage companion. Two more beers. One bottle of whiskey. And a small bottle of red wine.

None of the them speak the same language. But the bottles of alcohol are speaking the same international language: "Drink and Be Merry".

Picking up speed, the countryside is whizzing by.

The laughing begins as the beverages become communal. The group appears to be playing charades and pictionary as if the shouting makes themselves understood. The alcohol gives each person courage. They are profound. They can miraculously translate the foreign languages. They are DRUNK!

Henning, the Dutch, clearly has an intoxicated advantage. Unknowingly, he enters the train already inebriated.

From the solo window, out in the distance, they see hazy smoke billowing in the fields. The smoke is probably from grass fires. Definitely NOT from a train passing by and smoking up the tracks with immense speed! But Henning, declares with great authority in broken English, "Shit, I thought WE were on the Orient Express!"

YES! Si Hai Oui Ja Ken Ano Da

Staying Positive in a Negative Charged World. Is it possible?

It is truly amazing if any of our children grow up and adapt positive attitudes after mommies have to be negative all day long -- every single day, including weekends. Mommies are duds!

No, you cannot sit in the cat tower.
No, you cannot jump through the screen door.
No, you cannot bite the cat.
No, you cannot lick the dog.
No, you cannot paint the dog.
No, you cannot eat the toilet paper.
No, you cannot bathe in the toilet bowl.
No, you cannot draw on the floors.
No, you cannot drive the car.
No, you cannot play with those friends.
No, you cannot stomp on the flowers.
No, you cannot eat the dirt.
No, you cannot eat lollipops on the treadmill.
No, you cannot walk in puddles.
No, you cannot buy a horse.
No, you cannot wake the baby.
No, you cannot sing THOSE songs.
No, you cannot repeat THOSE words.
No, you cannot call your brother a dipshit.
No, you cannot phone your cousin in India.

No, in some languages, resembles the English word "NO". And definitely based upon enunciation and inflection, "NO" can easily be translated.

NO! No Iie Non Nein Lo Ne Ne

In order, the yes and no language translation: English, Spanish, Japanese, French, German, Hebrew, Czech, Croatian.

3-in-1 Strong

Spinach? No.
Cleaning Product? No.
Spouse, Partner or Significant Other? No.
Disinfectant? No.
Deodorant? No.
Fragrance or Perfume? No.

Coffee. Yes, Coffee. Yes, Instant Coffee. Yes, Coffee in a long, narrow, green packet - tear open, just add hot water and stir. Yum! Coffee.

3-in-1. Coffee. Milk? Sugar?

That is my guess because the product is written in a foreign language and I can only translate: 3-in-1 Strong Nescafe Coffee. And it is also available in 3-in-1 Mild. But who wants to drink MILD? I would prefer 4-in-1 Strong ... the 4 being extra caffeine!

Honestly, this is THE best INSTANT coffee. I prefer BLACK coffee. But this instant coffee is truly good and perfect for any of us on-the-go-types.

In America, we have a large quantity of coffee brands and flavors. My 3-in-1 is produced by Nescafe. So, why doesn't Nescafe sell this particular coffee in America? It is sold in the European Markets - Czech, Slovakia, Hungary, Russia, Romania... I would definitely keep Nescafe in business. I would be very loyal to Nescafe. (Nescafe does sell instant coffee in America but it needs to be the specific 3-in-1 STRONG.)

Please go to http://www.nescafe.com/ and click on contact to bring this most amazing instant caffeinated beverage to America.

Anyone going to Europe? I need my 3-in-1 FIX! Please send. I have finished my last packet.

A close second is the Douwe Egberts brand. Send Douwe Egberts if 3-in-1 Strong is unavailable. Just send caffeine!

Why I Don't Hire A Babysitter?

I quickly put the baby down for a nap. Babysitter arrives and appears to be eager. Currently, the babysitter has free time and can relax until busy baby wails from her crib. I assume baby will wake up in one hour. I create an even easier scenario as I take big sister with me. There is only one sleeping baby in the house.

I have three errands to accomplish. My estimated time of return is two and one half hours. I will probably create a fourth errand if time permits. Off we go.

We hustle. The first two errands are complete within an hour. I curb the urge to phone home reassuring myself that the babysitter will phone if there is a problem. Besides, I do not want to wake up sleeping baby.

The next errand is long and is finally complete in one hour. We decide to tackle the fourth errand which takes a mere twelve minutes. Whew! Errands are finished for the day. And that saves me from having to tote two girls tomorrow.

We return home after two hours and twelve minutes. Just eighteen minutes earlier than our estimated return.

We enter the house through the back door. The house seems to be extraordinarily quiet. The babysitter's car is still parked in its spot.

Upon further investigation, we discover a trail of spoons on the kitchen floor. The spoons lead us into the playroom. The playroom is disorderly. Crayons have been strewn all over the hardwoods. (I'll probably discover a waxy diaper later.) We continue our search for baby and babysitter.

We spy a couple of crayons in the foyer and leading into the living room. The crayons lead us to plants... and more specifically, dirt. Dirt which has been expelled from its pot. And most likely ingested into some little person's belly.

Following the dirt trail, no baby in bedroom number one. No baby in bedroom number two. We venture into bedroom number three. Still no baby.

However, the babysitter has been located in bedroom number four. My husband is fast asleep (at four o'clock in the afternoon). And from the master bath, we hear tiny gales of laughter. We peek around the corner and there is baby ... making snow. Tissues and toilet paper have filled the bathroom, several inches thick.

And, yes, that is why I don't hire a babysitter!