Dictionary

Disclaimer: I make up words - like all the time. And, frequently, I make up my own definitions to existing words (which absolutely makes my husband insane). Oh, I sometimes (gleefully) even mispronounce words on purpose just to "irritate" someone who wants to feel superior! (like the time I repeatedly [at least 10 times in 3 sentences] said "PILOTS" for "PILATES" just to piss off snobby co-worker who walked away from me in a huffy puffy strut! Take that!)

During discussions, husband often asks me to re-define my words so that he can debate with me according to my "world of language". Very kind of him to enter my figurative world! His is way too literal!

So my three year old has recently joined in the 'word art'. She saw a police woman for the first time yesterday at a 'Safety Fair'. Police woman approaches, "Hello, girls! Thank you for joining us today." I say hello and motion for my girls to do the same.

"Hello," mumbles the eldest daughter. Too bored and hot to be polite, obviously.

"Hello, POLICE MA'AM!" shouts the middle daughter. ("Excuse me, Talulah, but she is a police woman," I quietly point out.)

"I KNOW IT," loudly acknowledges middle daughter. "She is a MA'AM, a MA'AM, I said."

Police Ma'am and I share a laugh as middle daughter continues on with her "new word" about the mailman and how our mailman is also a Mail MA'AM!

How is it that...

I continue to cross numbers off of my "to-do" list, but the list keeps growing?

1. locks (have you seen my ever changing neighborhood?)

2. V - new bike (the girl keeps growing!)

3. P - potty training (IF she can sit on the potty INSTEAD of IN the potty!)

4. weatherstripping (boring, but necessary)

5. buy more diet coke (running out of 8 oz., 12 oz., 16 oz., 20 oz., and 2 liter bottles; perhaps it comes on tap?! OR in an IV?!)

6. replace kitchen tile (need something darker to hide more DIRT!)

7. replace garbage disposal (so that spewy shit stops flying back up at me!)

8. clean windows (so I can see who is looking in at me!)

9. buy a 9mm (to aim at those looking... see #8. because in Texas, if they are facing you, it is OK. just make sure they don't turn around 'cause you'll end up in the slammer!)

10. start intoxicating at 6 am INSTEAD of 7! (why not?!)

36 hours of labour...

to produce my first mural baby! We decided to make the "TREADMILL" time more fun... because there is not much to see while being stationary. How fun it would be to walk in our own town! My daughters contributed to the personalized mural, drawing cats, airplanes and hidden images (a cardinal in the tree, ants in the grass, ladybugs, coded addresses, a finish line, a pilot and a shadow of a cat sitting in the window)! We had a lot of fun. But by the end, we were exhausted. There is so much we can still add, but we'll save that for a later date.

The left side

the window wall and the far right

and the lemonade stand

What's For Lunch?

I don't see hamburgers, hotdogs, or pizza on this menu. Nor sandwiches, pasta or anything vaguely familiar!

Eenie, meenie, minee, moe...

I choose the first one and I hope it's not a pig toe.

Because I really hate pickled pig's feet and pickled chicken talons. UGH. As if pickling makes pig feet more edible! IT IS STILL PIG FEET!

And I really despise tripe, roasted dog, or smoked snails.

WELL, option number one turned out to be cold mushed potatoes... so I washed it down with a lot of PIVO!! (Beer) Any food is a bit more delicious when combined with a 'higher alcohol content' beer, maybe even pig feet!?

"Watch-a-ma-call-it!"

I love my watch. I love my watch. (I love my husband.) I love my watch. (I love my kids.) I love my watch. I love my watch. I love my watch.

Timex Ironman Triathlon. Black. Velcro Band. 12H. 24H. Two Timezones. Indiglo. 100 meters. 100 lap memory. Lap/Split. Chrono mode. Timer mode. Alarm mode. 5 ALARMS! Alarm 1 currently set for CST. Alarm 2 currently set for EST. Alarm 3 currently set for England. Alarm 4 currently set for Slovakia. Alarm 5 ALWAYs set for Japan.

I have barely removed my beloved watch since July 11th, 1998. The day I decided to RUN a MARATHON. Never mind the small details, like I had never even RUN ONE FLIPPIN' MILE BEFORE JULY 11th.

A few years later, watch still on wrist, the Wedding Coordinator insisted that I remove my watch before "Our Ceremony". Like husband would have cared... he loves my watch, too! So, two minutes before strolling down the aisle, WC pried watch from wrist and I vehemently tucked it under my silk train (thank God for velcro). And thank God ONLY alarms 3 and 4 sounded during the LONG ceremony!

Since our wedding, I have received 37 WATCHES as gifts! Not from my husband, REALLY, he loves my watch! But from MY MOTHER and FATHER. From my In-Laws. From my sisters. From my Grandparents. From my NEIGHBOR! YUP, 37! Perhaps, these are HINTS. Because surely, they all remember that last year they gifted me with a watch as well.

PS Look for NIB watches on eBay!

A Skewed Survey

I recently took a survey regarding shopping. I honestly answered the questions and I was feeling very proud of myself. Until... husband walked in and peered at my answers and results.

Husband states, "YOU do NOT shop LESS than other people! You 'POSSIBLY' shop less than a personal shopper! You spend as much as a professional shopper! ARGGHHHH"

I could discover a way to get paid to shop!?

I thoughtfully consider his rage, "Is it the bazillion dollar playroom? Is it the $72 T-shirt? Is it the $851 receipt from Gymboree (I bought the entire new collection and received 17 Gymbucks)? Is it the $590 receipt from Justice (I did receive 11 Justice Bucks Cards)? Is it the $334 receipt from the Uniform Store (the kids MUST wear uniforms to school)? Is it the $442 receipt from Boutique A (the one with the most 'adorable = expensive' smocked dresses)?"

I should have passed on the $72 T-shirt (right). I guess that was a difficult purchase to justify. However, a much better justification than the $300+ Gorilla Tee (left)!!

Friendless in FW

Children enjoy playdates. They look forward to them. They get excited about them. At the thought of them. Pre. During. Post. The thrill of playing with a BFF. The thought of having devoted playtime. Play at home, outdoors, at a park, or at a playdate venue (which there is no shortage here in Texas for money-paying mommies). Playdates can cost money... especially if you take your children and their friends to a water park, Disney World, the Bahamas, or your playroom.

Playroom? Yes, your own playroom. You know, the one you spent $15,000 on in just the 660 square foot addition alone. Plus the $2500 for the muralist to paint a most fantastic scene. The one filled with just the right storage shelves, located on page 24 of Pottery Barn Kids catalog (Averaging $3,499 for storage) The bins of the storage shelves filled with the PERFECT toys. Baby Einstein toys (because, yes, we are smart!), Leapfrog toys (because, yes, we are NOT technologically challenged!) and Imported toys! The mini coaster to the right. The ice hockey game to the left. The toys that NOBODY is allowed to touch UNLESS there is a playdate scheduled! (Because they cost too damn much!)

Yup, we could have gone to McDonald's like 8000 times.

So, we DO a lot of Playdates. Like daily. During the summer.

ONLY twenty nine days till school begins. I am counting the days. I am exhausted. I am wishing we had no playroom. No pool. No fun. No friends.

Put this on your list

"everyday Kidculture" is a calendar of events in our city. Let's keep the kids cultured! Aware! Updated! In style! There are several events listed for every day of the month... some fun, some serious, some educational, and some silly.

Story time at varying sites, Library time, the Zoo, Movies, Dora on stage, the Wiggles, Barney, Museums, theater, plays, musicals, arboretum, aquarium, planetarium, bouncy house arenas, ice skating, roller skating, cooking classes, art classes, Spanish classes, participatory sports, spectator sports, camps galore and more!

And, how did I miss this one? Next weekend, MONSTER TRUCKS UNLEASHED. For all your little motorheads (and big motorheads)! Now, that is CULTURE!

A Merry Ferry

What this ferry ride needs is...

a. a lot of waves
b. a barf bag
c. an unreserved seat
d. a bottle of Irish Whiskey
e. all of the above

E. It is E. Unfortunately, E. All of E. Not mistaken, E. Sitting on the floor of the Irish Ferry, no seats open to be claimed. No seats open for the 'second class' paying traveler. Why didn't the ticket operator inform said traveler of the seat options? Traveler would have paid for a seat.

The waters from Le Havre, France to Cork, Ireland were rough and bumpy... nothing resembling the word smooth in the least. The traveler had one fleeting thought as she was about to board the twenty-four hour ferry... get something to drink (for sleeping, only, definitely for sleeping).

Rounding the corner, finding a liquor kiosk, the traveler purchased an unknown brand of Irish Whiskey. The fire water should help bring on sleep and comfort. Perhaps.

Traveler had unknowingly downed three-quarters of the foul tasting whiskey in the first two hours, wishing away the waves. Waves that were crashing upon the deck, spraying its salt water, and dousing the traveler with mist. The mist soon became more like a light rainfall. Wishing it was a windfall. HA.

Hovered over in a stall for the remaining twenty hours, finally a seat to claim her own. An unfortunate seat. An uncomfortable seat. A seat gratis! A SEAT.

"Salut!"

the definition of Choice

1. The act of choosing; selection.
2. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option.
3. A number or variety from which to choose: a wide choice of styles and colors.
4. The best or most preferable part.
5. An alternative

"I'm hungry!" echoes through the house on a consistent basis, like every twelve minutes.

"OK, we'll have lunch early," I give in. Who cares if it is only 10:17 am?

"What do you want?" I ask.

"I dunno," responds Child A. "What can I have?"

A lot of things come to mind... 'Cheerios', 'Popcorn', 'Snacksize Bag of Lays', 'Fruit Rollup'... but I have to consider nutritional value and the fact those items do not reside in my cabinet (really). Child A did not know what "junk food" was til I shipped her off to school. She came home inquiring about 'Pop-Tarts', 'Lunchables', 'Rice Krispy Treats', 'Chicken Nuggets', etc. And I properly reminded her that those snacks ONLY exist at school. Just like "CHUCK E. CHEESE" and "McDONALDS" -- they are ONLY a place to have a BIRTHDAY PARTY. It does NOT exist unless you attend or host a birthday party. HOW CLEVER! (I thought of that one all on my own!)

"Salmon or Taco-bake?" I offer as two choices.

"Well, yeah, BUT I don't think I really like any of those choices today!" Child A debates. "How about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

Now that I can do... "Good Choice!" I congratulate Child A.

Hide and Seek

It's another Sunday, funday... And we are playing 'Hide and Seek' indoors due to the hotTexas heat outdoors. Even the pets avoid going out. Can you help us find the cat!? Apparently Cat A thinks she is hiding.

102

Another hotTexas day... it has been at least a month and we should be used to the heat. But it is HOT. No, it is not a dry heat. There is nothing dry about 102. 102 is 102 (unless the heat index wants to claim 110, well then 102 is 110, and try explaining that to your child who relies on the math teacher to make numbers clear and simple)

The good thing about the heat ... is that I hold off on imbibing til way past four in the afternoon. I just can't drink in the heat... one word: FERMENTATION! Oh, and another word: VOMIT!

Take time to enjoy (or good luck finding) the BEST beer in the world: the REAL Budweiser!